to ask if I'm being a bitch to my 6 year old?

[MinnieMoose2014]

I've found dd getting on my nerves recently and feel like I'm losing the close relationship we had I find it hard as her dad and I are separated and have been for several years - she doesn't know any different - and her behaviour has always been worse after seeing him as he has no boundaries. Usually I excuse any cheek or whatever as her dad's influence (in my own mind) but remain firm and consistent in my boundaries. Recently though, it feels like we struggle to have any positive time together.

The mornings begin with me badgering her to get ready. She is a slow waker and often sits staring into space or singing for up to 25 mins. I allow 15 mins for getting dressed, going to the toilet and brushing teeth. After that every minute wasted is deducted from her after school screen time - she only gets 20 mins per day so the loss is significant or all of it. She doesn't talk much to me on the way to school - any question I ask receives a one word answer or an I don't know.

After school is the same with not talking much. If there's no activity and we come home she dances and sings around the place in a world of her own, rarely interacting with her 21 month old sister and I. She isn't interested in joining in but will disrupt - I.e. If dd2 is reading with me she'll call her repeatedly to do something else/turn noisy toys on to distract her. She has bags of energy and often falls off her chair as she can't sit still. She can't settle to sleep before 9.30 despite getting lots of exercise. It's feel recently that I spend more time telling her off than anything.

I have wondered about ADHD. Before dd2 was born, dd1 was still a bundle of energy but it was manageable as it was just her. Now she'll do things like shout boo at dd2 when walking next to a road and look shocked that I tell her off. Dd2 nearly fell in the road! Her dad has said, in no uncertain terms, that he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. However, he sees her three days per month only and she spends most of it glued to a screen which is the only time she sits still. When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

Aibu and a bitch to dd?

Maybe I am missing something, but she sounds like a pretty ordinary 6 year old to me.

this.

You can't change other people. All you can change is the way you respond to them.

There is a story about a pair of twins who were separated at birth and adopted by different families. When the twins were toddlers, their mothers were interviewed for a study. Twin A's mum reported that Twin A was a terribly fussy eater, that Twin A would eat nothing unless it had cinnamon on, that meal times were a battle and that the mum found it all very stressful. Twin B's mum reported that Twin B was a very easy eater because, so long as she put cinnamon on it, he would eat anything.

How are you going to change how you choose to react to your DD?

I think it's reasonable of you to want her to get ready for school in a timely fashion but less so for you to expect her to be the way you want her to be after she finishes school. After school kids need down time and I would not put pressure on to be sociable tbh.

If you feel she may have ADHD then try to get your concerns investigated. You have other children to compare her with after all and usually a parent knows when something may need investigating. There is a girl in my dd's class who seems to have ADHD possibly, but her mother has left it until year 5 to have her assessed and she now has few friends because the other kids don't understand her it's a real shame. I'm not saying this is the case for your dd of course but just that if there is a problem, the sooner it is diagnosed the better IMHO.

If I'd been told off/punished/yelled at first thing in the morning, I wouldn't feel particularly chatty either. I think punishing her first thing isn't really working, especially as she doesn't seem to care if she loses her screen time.

I would try a timer or an alarm that counts down to the time she has to be ready. Always make sure it's about 10-15 minutes before you need her to be ready, though, to allow for slowness or whatever. Most 6 year olds won't understand "in 15 minutes" so you need to show it in some way she'll "get" - an egg timer, maybe? "When the sand is all in the bottom, mummy expects you to have done xyz".

I also think you need to try getting her to bed earlier. 9.30pm is really late for a 6 year old and a lot of her hyperactivity is probably due to being overtired. I bet she feels pushed out by a new sibling and a new DP too. You need to make sure she has quality time before bed - bathtime with you, and then read her a story. Lots of calm time, dim lights, warm bed, blankets, cuddles and sleep.

Sounds like you have a very negative attitude to your daughter and her personality and quirks - she's bound to pick it up thus you are reinforcing the behaviour you don't like.

What happens if you do join her, on her level, e.g. dance around and sing with her for a bit, join her in her space? Does she like that and respond, or does she wander off?

It feels like you need to re-connect before you can even tackle the other stuff like going to bed earlier, getting ready in the morning, how to play appropriately with your DD2 and even if there is some kind of ADHD or other kind of issue which needs to be identified. If you can find a way of re-connecting with her in her space, on her terms, you might be able to explore ways of making the practical stuff better and easier with her.

I agree with the other poster that it sounds like she is feeling a little displaced by DD2 and perhaps you have maybe got into a bit of a cycle of negativity.

Just a thought, I'm very far from being an expert.

D

It is possible to feel less connected with a child sometimes, I have had phases of that- like you though it always deeply concerns me when it happens and I do make a big effort to put it right.

If you start seeing her as the 'noisy horrible one' who disturbs your other 'good' child you are all on a hiding to nothing.

The mornings are extremely annoying, I have a child like this, but if they are out of the house on time, then there's no punishment, even if I do have to yell occasionally. My 8 year old has no concept of time but that may be just her, my dd1 could probably manage it but at 6 saying you have 15 min to get ready if she is unfocused means she will inevitably fail. Rewarding her getting ready is better than taking away her screen time which is pretty small as it is.

Have you read the love-bombing book by Oliver James? It sounds a bit whacky but you may really find it helps or gives you some good ideas about how to reconnect with her. Some children are still a bit in their own worlds/very physical/a bit 'odd' at this age, one of mine was and she's much more ordinary and likes to chat now, so all is not lost at all.

I would chat to the teacher, see if she thinks there is anything worth pursing as a first step, just in case, then work actively on rebonding with her. If she prefers dancing and tickling, you may have to go with that, learning to chat or to enjoy your activities may come later if at all.

When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

I also wonder if you have slightly unrealistic expectations of the emotional maturity of a six year old- it is slightly odd to have a child who never cries or tantrums, perhaps her behaviour is within the bounds of normal but you feel she shouldn't do these things- of course large amounts of crying or tantrums are not nice, but surely small amounts of these are pretty typical at this age? And being boisterous is something that can be managed.

I hope you sort it out, it's horrible to feel out of alignment with a child, you can get back to being closer again.

My DD takes forever to get ready in the morning. Way longer than 15 mins. Anyway, I got an idea out of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and wrote her a note one night for her to see when she woke up 'Good morning DD, I hope you had a lovely sleep etc. Before you come down for breakfast, please can you get dressed and brush your hair.' Anyway it worked and she came down beaming! That was last week and she has done it of her own accord once since. I am mostly just pleased to know it is possible. I would really recommend that book.

We go to the park, bike ride, walk the dog and she does gymnastics, dancing, swimming and rugby.

Does she ever get any 'down time', because it doesn't sound like it ?!!

I think you need to 'love bomb' her and focus on the positive more. I suspect jealousy of younger sibling could be involved and she is feeling left out and trying to get your attention whether negative or positive.

It is easy to feel one child is like 'Horrid Henry' and the other 'Perfect Peter' but even if you do feel this, you must not show it to the children and it is important to build equal relationships.

How is her behaviour at school? As others have said with strong-willed children, you have to 'pick your battles'.
In the car reversing example, you explain the danger she was in and say if I call out you must react immediately as I will only do this if it is important (so pick battles obviously) and finish by saying 'I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you or I love you and don't want anything bad to happen, it is my job as your Mum to keep you safe etc etc '

If you said that she might feel loved rather than 'told off again' for the charming act of picking daisies.

All mine have disobeyed at one time point- and I've got very angry with them, say by a road. You seem to be seeing this as an example of her naughtiness, but it is just normal developmental behaviour- and it's fine to get cross and correct her at that point.

I asked about her Dad because I'm wondering if it feels strange to her to stay with her Dad while her little sister gets to stay at home with you and her other Dad.

This might explain the interruptions and general obstruction when you are together.

If she's really physically hyperactive that is another issue but the two might be going on at the same time.

I would definitely try 'love-bomb lite' if that exists. Re-bond with her.

Read up about ADHD, hyper-sensitivity and try and find information on how it feels to be a child with one of these symptoms.

Quote OP:'Grennie she accidentally hurts dd2, herself or me several times per day - that's excessive, surely? Leverette I do praise but there's so little interaction recently there's little to praise. She falls off her chair and drops her food and spills her drink at mealtimes'

Has she got co-ordination issues? Maybe get her eyes tested?

Is there any way to build a reward into the morning routine? Eg if you are ready by 8.15 , there will be time to watch TV for 5 minutes before we leave for school. That will make the reward / consequence more immediate and directly linked to each other.

I have heard of a technique called "love bombing", yeh yeh I know but whevenever they are behavioural issues its really worth trying

see here, try it????

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

I think an approach of love in the first instance is well worth trying xxx

oppps, looks like veryone advised already!

Sounds to me like you have a lovely energetic 6 year old on your hands who is the same as mine and most 6 year olds. Do some reading:6 year olds get very clumsy, loose their spatial context ( spill things, fall from chairs etc) fidget and do annoying stuff like sitting on two legs of the chair, can be mercurial, can reverse letters and are just simply ....... 6! Instead of screen time get her to put on a show for you. If she is not in the mood for a chat, you talk to her. Tell her stories about when you were a girl or when she was small. Most of all, stop convincing yourself that something is wrong and enjoy her. And learn to duck!

I feel like at some points my 6 year old has gone back to toddler boundary pushing i alwasy think she goes mad, as she is mentally going through to the next stage, so we get boundary pushing then she comes out of it more mature than before.

my DD will rarely disclose anything about her day...find out different ways to ask her stuff. now I say , did you have a bad day, good day or amazingly wonderous day...and then i may get a few reasons why it was each one....

having said all that i reckon the extra problems are also because of your ex...my dd's behaviour was atrocious after seeing her gp's once it took weeks to get over...months.

You said she wants you to spin her around for hours - does she spin herself a lot?

my dd also takes much longer to get ready they are still learning dont forget and mine is also a mass of energy, she comes home and simply runs up and down living room and then jumps from one sofa to the next like a monkey.

have you tried offering her money to get ready? pocket money or whatever or magazines if she can get ready or do what you ask all week...reward good behaviour or time her nad make it into a game...

mine also always spills drinks so i give her the smallesd rop in bottom of cup or beaker .

I'm feeling the same as TheTallest and Bratingham that these things (clumsiness, hyperness, occasional tantrums) don't seem all that unusual for a 6yo.

(Plenty of memories of having got angry over unsafe behaviour- 7 years later I would trust ds with my life. As for hyperness and messiness at the dinner table- oh dear! 7 years later, formal dinner party, nobody could have been prouder than I was of my tall boy in his shirt and tie, making polite conversation to older guests.)

A lot of this sounds very much like my ds, who has ADHD/dyspraxia, so I do think it is worth exploring further the possibility of some sort of ASD.

Just because she sometimes dresses quickly does not mean that she can "choose" to ... all sorts of different things may affect her abilities from day to day. For speeding her up, a physical timer is needed - a kitchen one with an alarm is perfect. I also used to find sticker charts a great incentive at this age ... I would print off a colourful picture of, eg, Jack and the Beanstalk, and give stickers for dressing nicely, getting ready for bed, packing schoolbag, etc. When the chart was finished, he got a small treat. This is positive reinforcement, but you can also remove a sticker for any really bad behaviour.

Finally ... she is just 6. All kids at heart want to please their parents, so whatever is going wrong, it isn't "intentional" on her part. Try to listen to what she is telling you, verbally or non-verbally, and make some time especially for her.

I think you are expecting far too much from a 6 year old and doing far far too many physical activities after school.

school itself is very tiring. add on gymnastics,swimming,rugby, dog walking jeez I would be knackered.

what's wrong with her dancing and singing in her own little world anyway??

how about stopping the negatives, why only 20 mins tv? hardly enough to watch one programme?

cut her some slack. enjoy her. otherwise all too soon she will be a teenager who remembers mummy being cross all the time and the wedge will be allready there.

I have to say, this sounds exactly like dd when she was 6.
Very bright but no concept of time passing.
Instructions only followed if given one at a time.
Loved playfighting and being physical.
Constantly dropping things, knocking things, falling over, walking into things - clumsy and little spacial awareness.
Totally road safe one day, absentmindedly walking down the centre of the road another time.

I flooded her with physical contact (hugs, kisses, holding hands, hand on shoulder etc).

Also gave her lots of small achievable tasks one at a time, with praise inbetween each one.
There are many things about her that I just don't 'get' but that doesn't stop me trying to work with her than against her.

I also think that's too many activities for a 6 year old .
And I was also going to comment that 20 minutes screen time is nothing! What can she possibly watch and enjoy for just that amount of time? Make it an hour at least?! No wonder she doesn't care about losing it - there's nothing to lose!