to ask if I'm being a bitch to my 6 year old?

[MinnieMoose2014]

I've found dd getting on my nerves recently and feel like I'm losing the close relationship we had I find it hard as her dad and I are separated and have been for several years - she doesn't know any different - and her behaviour has always been worse after seeing him as he has no boundaries. Usually I excuse any cheek or whatever as her dad's influence (in my own mind) but remain firm and consistent in my boundaries. Recently though, it feels like we struggle to have any positive time together.

The mornings begin with me badgering her to get ready. She is a slow waker and often sits staring into space or singing for up to 25 mins. I allow 15 mins for getting dressed, going to the toilet and brushing teeth. After that every minute wasted is deducted from her after school screen time - she only gets 20 mins per day so the loss is significant or all of it. She doesn't talk much to me on the way to school - any question I ask receives a one word answer or an I don't know.

After school is the same with not talking much. If there's no activity and we come home she dances and sings around the place in a world of her own, rarely interacting with her 21 month old sister and I. She isn't interested in joining in but will disrupt - I.e. If dd2 is reading with me she'll call her repeatedly to do something else/turn noisy toys on to distract her. She has bags of energy and often falls off her chair as she can't sit still. She can't settle to sleep before 9.30 despite getting lots of exercise. It's feel recently that I spend more time telling her off than anything.

I have wondered about ADHD. Before dd2 was born, dd1 was still a bundle of energy but it was manageable as it was just her. Now she'll do things like shout boo at dd2 when walking next to a road and look shocked that I tell her off. Dd2 nearly fell in the road! Her dad has said, in no uncertain terms, that he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. However, he sees her three days per month only and she spends most of it glued to a screen which is the only time she sits still. When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

Aibu and a bitch to dd?

She's distracted. She's a bit insecure. There's stuff going on in her head. She's only 6.
I experience my 7yo dd very similarly at the moment. It's draining tbh. Especially when it involves road safety.
I also recommend the book How to Talk so your children will listen. And make it all simpler. This screen time thing isn't working so stop doing it.
Im trying to focus more mindfully on my daughter (lp like you) and Remember she needs you and she's younger than you think she is. I'm also reading something called The Mindful Child but haven't started applying it yet. Am trying to make conscious efforts to send my dd loving vibes for being just who she is.
I don't think this age / stage in girls is easy. There was a really good thread about this a week or two ago. Work on yourself, rather than trying to change her. Try to be kind to yourself - and to her. Try relaxing your expectations. This is what I've been trying to do, anyway!

she sounds utterly adorable.

not helpful advice i know. but she really does sound lovely.

A little bonding thing I do sometimes is to get in the bath with the kids of an evening. That way we all get tmready for bed together and do our stories all warm, sleepy and loved-up!

You seem to be starting every day off with punishment.

About 6 year olds:

Minnie - is any of this actually helping? I feel sorry for all three of you but I am not sure posting on AIBU is going to get you the support you need to sort this out. Have you googled things like dyspraxia, looked at possible symptoms, have you been on the special needs boards - do some research. My DDs are a bit older now, but they weren't like that, and had they been, I couldn't have coped. However, she sounds exactly like my friends DD, we just thought she might be a bit of a late starter when in fact her behaviour was pretty grim - constantly "accidentally" hurting people, everything around her wrecked - turns out she does have special needs and now everyone knows and can adapt accordingly, things are better.

I think you've come to the wrong place for advice, or at least the wrong thread!

I think the OP has got advice. It may not be sugar coated, but people have been honest.

Thinking about this again, I am concerned for you that you referred to yourself as a "bitch" in the title of your OP.
Please, I say again, start by being kind to yourself! You're a mother, this can be hard, you are doing a great job by noticing that there are difficulties and asking yourself - and others - how to do this better.
Don't forget to give yourself some love!

Are 6 year olds really like this? I work in a year 1 class (so age 5 going on 6), and very few of our children are like this. Is this just the difference between school and home ie they are on their best behaviour at school but relax at home?

You say she is well behaved at school- but have you spoken honestly to the teachers to see if they have noticed things like clumsiness, falling off chairs, accidentally hurting other children? And asked the teachers on their opinions on why she doesn't finish her work? (teachers will have a good idea on whether it's struggling with the work, struggling with getting the work on paper, laziness or daydreaming)

This year, we have 1 child who tantrums, and 1 who is clumsy and falls off their chair/spills dinner etc. Both children have been flagged up to professionals as school feel that they are not in line with age related expectations.

Likewise, a few years ago we had a child who was extremely clumsy, was forever accidentally hurting other children- things like riding their scooter into others, they just couldn't see that by riding in that direction they would hit someone! Or that swinging their bag around their head in the crowded corridor would result in someone getting hurt. They were always genuinely sorry and mortified that they had hurt someone, but didn't have the forward planning to prevent the accident. The child did end up with an ADHD diagnosis.

I used to love the mornings. The DC used to get up and get dressed nicely, because they were allowed to watch TV once they were dressed. I used to let them have their breakfast as they watched. Stuff like Big Cook, Little Cook, Clifford, Milkshake. Morning TV was quite good. It used to be a lovely half hour and while they watched TV I could get ready :).

FWIW mine didn't sleep much either - DS never before 10; DD never before 9. They just didn't need it although DS in particular was very active and had to be exercised like a puppy. Still does really and he's 19 now.

I think you need to stop the tellings off.

OP she sounds very much like my 6 yo, who has recently been dx with ADHD and dyspraxia. She won't wake up in the mornings and getting dressed would take forever. I think you either need to allow more than 15 mins or dress her yourself.

Mine doesn't sit still, is always bouncing and squirming and rolling. Knocks things over and constantly interrupts. Fortunately she is our youngest by a long way, so I can give her the attention she demands and baby her a bit.

As I type it's after 10pm. She has been in bed a good 2 hours and is still singing to herself.

Sounds like my ds2, he's diagnosed dyspraxia and I'm wondering aboyt ADHD/ADD

Sounds like my dd2 too. I suspect that whilst many of the traits are those of a 6 year old the fact that you are flagging it up indicates she may have ADD/ADHD. I think the same about my dd. Along with all the things you mention she also has some difficulty with peer relations. I also find myself shoouting and getting cross with her when i try not to but i have 3 others and its hard owrk. She is so different from my other 2 girls. However, i still think the advice you ahve been given is good and that ADD or not love bombing would def have benefits as would positive behaviour strategies. Have you asked her teacher what they think? I am avoiding pushing for a diagnosis via the GP for the moment and using a watch and wait approach.Do update on how you are getting on.

Crohnically, my 6yo DS gets glowing reports from school. No behaviour issues at all. I've asked his teacher directly (as I was worried that the behaviour at home was also occurring at school) and she is full of praise for him being a pleasant, thoughtful little boy.

But at home, he just loses it at times. I think that at school he is aware of the need to fit in and conform (and gets quite upset at the idea of himself and other children getting into trouble), but at home he doesn't care because we are 100% safe and loving even when he is being disciplined.

That makes sense nervous. But you say he loses it 'at times', does that mean the majority of the time he is well behaved at home too, and he just has the occasional meltdown eg if hungry or tired? Because let's face it, I think that would apply to most adults too!

It's just that with so many posters saying it's normal behaviour, and we don't see much of it at school, I just can't imagine that a good number of our class would be complete Jekyll and Hyde characters, behaving in line with the others at school, and then like the OP's child at home.

"At times" means that his first reaction to being challenged or disappointed is to tantrum, scream, hit and call names, on a good day it might happen once or twice, a bad day it feels continuous, tiredness is definitely a huge factor. He spills drinks about 25% of the time. He rarely obeys polite requests. He is also hugely imaginative and great fun to be with when he is being sensible.

But, I can see him learning, see him physically trying to control himself, he listens when we talk about his behaviour and he will try the strategies we give him. And things are improving weekly at the moment.

It's just that with so many posters saying it's normal behaviour, and we don't see much of it at school, I just can't imagine that a good number of our class would be complete Jekyll and Hyde characters, behaving in line with the others at school, and then like the OP's child at home.

My dd is like this, extremely well-behaved at school if prone to nervousness, but really quite difficult at home, lots of tantrums, putting on clothes is a nightmare, doesn't like lots of foods, clumsy and spills food, she's just not incredibly coordinated. She is not dyspraxic though, as in bad enough to get diagnosed. It is worse when she's tired. Sometimes I feel I am going to explode from the screaming but I know she never would do this at school- she uses up all her energy being 'good' there and working hard and is awful the rest of the time!

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't investigate SN, but she seems to have high expectations of the child in terms of her not having tantrums or crying except rarely and she does a heck of a lot of activities. She almost sounds a bit over-stimulated and exhausted.

But as everyone has said, love-bombing/postive strategies won't hurt anyway, and can be done alongside having a chat with the teacher as a first step.

This is completely standard behaviour for every 6/7yr old I know and the teachers tend to say that they are well behaved at school. The children are just exhausted and zone out when they can at home. I don't see the need to throw diagnosis at these children.

Praise goes a long way with DD and having little competitions like 'who can get ready the quickest'. The accidently hurting people and dropping things is also standard for adults as well as children.

I'd give her screen time in the morning, as soon as she is completely ready for school.

She may find more incentive for getting ready, then!

And tiredness would make any clumsiness much worse.

I think if she has concentration issues, you need to look into this. Schools aren't always great at picking up on the smaller stuff, but it may be making her feel rubbish, especially if she is always being told off or has to sit at the teacher's feet on the carpet etc. How are her friendships at school? Even kids with mild SEN can struggle socially (another one of ds1's problems) which can also contribute to unhappiness. I would speak to the teacher and see if she sounds negative about her. Some teachers are quite negative and this may be rubbing off onto your dd.

I think you need to realise she is not doing it on purpose (especially if punishment doesn't work). I've had those days/ weeks where it's constant punishments (we're in one at the moment actually). And the paradox is that the more unhappy he is, the more he misbehaves at home and at school, and then the more telling off he gets, the more unhappy he is, the worse his behaviour is. It really is a vicious circle and it's very hard to break it, because you don't want to reward or ignore bad behaviour, but equally if your dd is very unhappy, you don't want to make it worse.

I think she is old enough now for some good 1:1 time and talking. I spend a long time with ds1 every night at bedtime (around 1.5hours, he goes to sleep at 8.30/9). Sometimes we just have fun and build stuff. I usually read him a story, sometimes he reads to me, then it's lights out and a good chat in the dark. This is the only time stuff comes out. Ask her about her Dad. Ask her how she feels when she goes there? Probe to see how she feels about her sister (NB. It is not wrong for her to hate her guts, let her say it). Probe how she feels about your relationship with her 'real' Dad and new Dad. Does she love one more or less? Who does she prefer to be with? Even if stuff comes out, which you can't fix, just being able to express it may help her feel closer to you, help you understand her etc. It's not just airy fairy. It really sounds like she is unhappy.

Make bed time earlier and she will get up earlier. It might involve a few days of painful bedtimes but her body clock will soon adjust.

MrRected she gets up at the same time and is similarly energetic every single day regardless of what time she goes to bed or sleep.

To be honest, I find the 'she must be tired' claim really frustrating. If she were tired, it'd have been sorted easily by now. Some of her friends can barely walk 200 yards to their car after school without crying or asking to be carried. They are tired. Dd, who runs a couple of mileshome or to wwhatever activity and is constantly bouncing and singing is not. I don't 'expect' her never to cry or tantrum. What I said is that she never does, unless as a result of contact. I know she resents going for contact and feels like I'm sending her away. She wants to be home with her sister and I and has even asked to be home educated. She wrote a list of people she loves last night, her father and his gf were 14th after her hamster etc. He reinforces that I love dd2more than her and is an arse.

Minnie what he is doing is emotional abuse.

Telling a child that their mother doesn't love them as much as someone else is despicable cruelty.

I would take that very very seriously.

MerryMarigold is definitely speaking a load of sense, I also agree with horsetowater.

Oh and another poster said be kind to yourself which is also important IMO.

As an ex FT and supply teacher of EY and nanny\cm also M of 3.There were quite a few 6 yr olds who found the 'sit still and shut up' culture of some schools impossible to cope with.

Minnie. My ds1 (and my dd, 5) express tiredness by being hyper. My ds2 (5) goes to sleep or gets very moany. Kids are different. My ds1 and dd take a VERY long time to wind down. Dd has swimming lesson at 6-6.30, which is tiring, but afterwards she can't wind down till about 8.30.