to ask if I'm being a bitch to my 6 year old?

[MinnieMoose2014]

I've found dd getting on my nerves recently and feel like I'm losing the close relationship we had I find it hard as her dad and I are separated and have been for several years - she doesn't know any different - and her behaviour has always been worse after seeing him as he has no boundaries. Usually I excuse any cheek or whatever as her dad's influence (in my own mind) but remain firm and consistent in my boundaries. Recently though, it feels like we struggle to have any positive time together.

The mornings begin with me badgering her to get ready. She is a slow waker and often sits staring into space or singing for up to 25 mins. I allow 15 mins for getting dressed, going to the toilet and brushing teeth. After that every minute wasted is deducted from her after school screen time - she only gets 20 mins per day so the loss is significant or all of it. She doesn't talk much to me on the way to school - any question I ask receives a one word answer or an I don't know.

After school is the same with not talking much. If there's no activity and we come home she dances and sings around the place in a world of her own, rarely interacting with her 21 month old sister and I. She isn't interested in joining in but will disrupt - I.e. If dd2 is reading with me she'll call her repeatedly to do something else/turn noisy toys on to distract her. She has bags of energy and often falls off her chair as she can't sit still. She can't settle to sleep before 9.30 despite getting lots of exercise. It's feel recently that I spend more time telling her off than anything.

I have wondered about ADHD. Before dd2 was born, dd1 was still a bundle of energy but it was manageable as it was just her. Now she'll do things like shout boo at dd2 when walking next to a road and look shocked that I tell her off. Dd2 nearly fell in the road! Her dad has said, in no uncertain terms, that he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. However, he sees her three days per month only and she spends most of it glued to a screen which is the only time she sits still. When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

Aibu and a bitch to dd?

Does the 2 year old also have the same Dad as her?

So she CAN do it, she's choosing not to. And punishments aren't working.

I think your best bet is rewards and incentives then. The marble jar idea of someone else's seems good.

Yes Kate I've wondered about dyspraxia. She's well behaved at school but has loads of work unfinished in her books because, I assume, she gets distracted. When she reads to me she can't make it through a sentence without talking about something else. We have regular one on one time 30-45 mins everyday and one after school til next day at school per month as well as at least one day alone in school holidays. Last time we went to MacDonalds after school and she fell of her seat, spilt her drink, knocked her food under the table, accidentally punched me in the eye when dancing etc.

My 5 and a half year old is rotten for getting dressed in the morning - usually resulting in much yelling!! This
Morning untold her she could have a sticker if she was dressed by 745 and if she gets a sticker every morning between now and half term we will buy her a princess dress. Dressed before I knew it!! Might be worth a try?

She may also need more sleep..... Could she be similarly motivated bribed into being in her room progressively earlier, with lights out progressively earlier?

I think it is a difficult age (aren't they all!?) - not big enough to be independent but not really little anymore!

It does sound very tough for you.

She almost certainly needs to get to sleep earlier (even if she can't do it at the moment); with a 9.30 sleep time at 6yo it's entirely possible that the other behaviours are just down to extreme tiredness (or they may be something else underlying -- but I think you have to fix the sleep before you can be sure one way or the other). It could be worth contacting your GP for help with the sleep (e.g. referral to a specialist) as a first step (I know a friend's 9yo DD, whose behaviour sounded similar in many ways, was prescribed melatonin a couple of years ago and her sleep was transformed; she gets to sleep hours earlier now and her behaviour has improved drasmatically).

How much stuff do the two of you do together with no interruptions? Do you ever play together with you following her lead and not asking questions or directing play in any way? Does she get any time with you without DD2?

Tantrums if she goes into bed earlier she keeps singing or tossing and turning and calling me and wakes dd2. Even at 9.30 she still doesn't go straight to sleep. She isnnever tired or moody, she's generally always happy. No her sister doesn't have the same dad but I've been with him since dd1 was one and he treats her as his own.

A lot of 6 yr olds are in their own little worlds (it's not naughtiness) it's just her way maybe play along with her; has she a favourite toy that you could make 'talk'? Or get it dressed with her. Agree with redcaryellowcar's marbles in a jar idea.

1. I doubt a 6yo has a clear enough concept of time passing to be able to judge for herself if 5, 10 or 15 minutes have passed. I think you need to find another way of setting limits here as you are setting her up to fail. Maybe use a timer of some sort. And give her a large initial allocation of screen time - she probably thinks that screen time is a mythical promise if it is something she almost never gets.

2. I suspect that she is experiencing sibling rivalry, possibly exacerbated by feeling that her sibling gets lots of attention and time with you, while she gets a lot of telling off.

Its easy when you have a younger child to expect too much of an older one because its easier.

Remember she is only 6. She is probably in her own world most of the time.

Find anything to praise. Ask her teacher how she has done at school and use those things.

If she wants to wrestle and tickle, do those things. Dont dicatate the quality tie you spend with her if she wants to do soething else.

She also sleepwalks and is up a couple of times per night with that. The sleepwalking is worse the earlier she goes to bed. AnAdventure - she won't play. She doesn't have the attention span to do a puzzle or finish a picture. If we have time alone she wants to run with me or jump on me doing gymnastics or for me to spin her in circles for hours

She also probably has no sense of time. You need an egg timer or sandtimer to help her.

I think she is feeling displaced by her little sister and the marital break-up. She needs some time each week where she can be one to one with mummy. Lovebombing. To make her feel secure and happy.

Also dancing and singing and making up stories in your own little world isn't necessarily a bad thing. My 8 year old DD still does this a lot and always has, she is just very creative and imaginative. Sometimes we need time in our own heads.

Ha ha. She sounds like my ds1. He also has some dyspraxia/ ADHD/ general developmental delay. He is the sweetest, loveliest kid though, and more than makes up for all the extra hassle he is. Try and see her lovely side. It takes a decision to do that, and then you will start seeing it.

Just a thought: she may be playing up more, and being more silent about school if she doesn't like school. Formal learning is particularly difficult for some kids - and it sounds like your dd may be finding it like that (maybe that's why it takes longer to get ready for school). I know my ds1 has found it so (as opposed to ds2 who loves it). I think you need to talk to teacher. See if teacher sounds negative about her, she may be getting negativity from school as well, or even if she's not, just struggling to listen, sit still, not drop her drink, do her coat up etc., it's constantly difficult.

Have school really not mentioned anything to you?

Are you sure she is getting enough rest, she does a lot for a 6 year old. My DS who is 6 is extra hyper and clumsy if he doesn't go to sleep by 7.30, he would happily mess about till after 9 but we have been very strict in getting him to bed, asleep, by 7.30 and he is much easier for this. Why does she only get

Seeing her lovely side and appreciation of her energy and imagination is precisely what I've done up til now. However when she's putting herself/her sister in danger, hurting others and constantly doing things she knows will make dd2 cry its difficult. FWIW, when dp is here she talks to me/him constantly then complains if I ask her not to interrupt saying no one ever lets her talk. I then point out when dp isn't there that she has plenty of time to talk but isn't. She just shrugs.

Igloo screen time makes up her ten times more hyper. Merry school have mentioned poor concentration but that's it

She is six years old.

If she is not bothered about screen time why are you using it as a punishment.

If she is being punished every morning, I guess I'd have nothing happy chatty to talk to you about either. If you can feel a gap between you there probably is.

I slept walked till I was about twelve , I was living with my Sm and df and wasn't happy.

Have you tried winding the whole house down before she goes to bed? TV off, bath, lights low and keep doing it for a few weeks? Do you have much 1-2-1 time?

Maybe I am missing something, but she sounds like a pretty ordinary 6 year old to me.

If screen time makes her much more hyper I wouldn't have any then, DS has two younger siblings and he is usually really excited when he comes home we have an hour playing with toys , dinner, bath for younger ones then bed. When they are settled I let DS have his bath then go into his room cuddle up read a book, talk about his globe, his day whatever really then leave him to go to sleep. This would be hard though if they share a room?

, when dp is here she talks to me/him constantly then complains if I ask her not to interrupt saying no one ever lets her talk. I then point out when dp isn't there that she has plenty of time to talk but isn't. She just shrugs.

There is your problem right there. Maybe she feels like a third wheel

My DS2 can be like this (no help as he's 11 now and can still be the same!)

One thing that struck me - I'm not a wrestler - but sometimes DS2 needs that - a safe way of being physical - it suits his personality much more than mine.

I'm wondering if you can try to wrestle/tickle fight/run races etc? Being active walking/cycling doesn't really let him get it all out of his system in the way that a 5 minute sock wrestle does!

Like I say - it's not my natural idea of fun or the way that I'd choose to parent - but it does seem to work. Just make sure it's at a time when you're both relaxed and happy - ExH tends to do it when he's angry and it ends in tears!

Sorry I should have said I agree she sounds like a 'normal' 6 year old, advice I've given I'd just what we do to rein ours in a bit

Also if she was in bed earlier you and dp would have more time to talk. DH and I don't get a word in edge ways when the three if them are still up.