to ask if I'm being a bitch to my 6 year old?

[MinnieMoose2014]

I've found dd getting on my nerves recently and feel like I'm losing the close relationship we had I find it hard as her dad and I are separated and have been for several years - she doesn't know any different - and her behaviour has always been worse after seeing him as he has no boundaries. Usually I excuse any cheek or whatever as her dad's influence (in my own mind) but remain firm and consistent in my boundaries. Recently though, it feels like we struggle to have any positive time together.

The mornings begin with me badgering her to get ready. She is a slow waker and often sits staring into space or singing for up to 25 mins. I allow 15 mins for getting dressed, going to the toilet and brushing teeth. After that every minute wasted is deducted from her after school screen time - she only gets 20 mins per day so the loss is significant or all of it. She doesn't talk much to me on the way to school - any question I ask receives a one word answer or an I don't know.

After school is the same with not talking much. If there's no activity and we come home she dances and sings around the place in a world of her own, rarely interacting with her 21 month old sister and I. She isn't interested in joining in but will disrupt - I.e. If dd2 is reading with me she'll call her repeatedly to do something else/turn noisy toys on to distract her. She has bags of energy and often falls off her chair as she can't sit still. She can't settle to sleep before 9.30 despite getting lots of exercise. It's feel recently that I spend more time telling her off than anything.

I have wondered about ADHD. Before dd2 was born, dd1 was still a bundle of energy but it was manageable as it was just her. Now she'll do things like shout boo at dd2 when walking next to a road and look shocked that I tell her off. Dd2 nearly fell in the road! Her dad has said, in no uncertain terms, that he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. However, he sees her three days per month only and she spends most of it glued to a screen which is the only time she sits still. When she returned last time she was so emotional and had so much pent up energy that she dropped a crumb of what she was eating as she was running laps of the living room while doing it and had a crying screaming tantrum for twenty mins because our dog ate the crumb...! Usually she is mature and never cries or tantrums, it's only after contact and excessive screen time.

Aibu and a bitch to dd?

Yes my friends DS is like this. He gets hyper and starts running around and throwing himself off things, when he gets overtired.

Oh and some DCs get hyper and over active with a high wheat and high sugar diet. Try giving her fruit as a starter maybe she could make a nice fruit plate herself to look like a face or flower.

he thinks dd is fine and I'm being a bitch. (from your OP)

Did he actually verbalise that?

This is completely standard behaviour for every 6/7yr old I know and the teachers tend to say that they are well behaved at school. The children are just exhausted and zone out when they can at home. I don't see the need to throw diagnosis at these children.

BuzzardBird My DD's teachers don't say she is fine at school, and her lack of concentration is causing her to fall behind with her learning. There is an enormous discrepancy between her ability and her output, which is worrying her teachers and us. Once you set off down the SEN path you get a little bit tired of comments like yours.

I know, tallulah. I was of Buzzard's opinion until I had one of my own. Sometimes schools CAN struggle to see it, depending on the character of the child. My ds1 is quite compliant and sweet natured, which really hasn't helped him as he can just come across as a little bit disruptive rather than a kid who is finding it very, very difficult to sit still/ focus/ learn. This is particularly if there are other more severe needs in the class.

I think it's difficult when it's your eldest as you have no comparison. I only started 'getting it' a) when my ds1 was incredibly unhappy in school and b) when my dd and ds2 (twins) started growing up (school age) so I could see the differences between what is 'normal' and what is not so 'normal' (even though my twins are both hugely different from each other). Now - and it has taken a long, old time - I 'get' my ds1 a whole lot more, and I am grateful for that, but it has not been an easy journey.

I agree with you Tallulah, whilst yes to some extent these traits are common in many 6 year olds , it is to the degree they are present and the effect they have on the children which is crucial and dismissing it as part of everyday life is not helpful to the parent who is struggling and the child who feels they are never able to please. I read a description of Add as wading through mud. Obviously from an internet description there is no way of knowing if these children are affected by developmental disorders but it is definitely worth talking to teachers in the first instance to find out whether they think there maybe something esle going on other than the usual 6/7 year old behaviour.

Yes, horsetowater he said it outright.

Dd comes back from contact tired because she has unlimited screen time and will watch/play on the iPad until the battery dies which is goodness knows what time. She is floppy and over-sensitive, completely the opposite to her happy hyperactivity she has with me.

She's been much more chatty today and yesterday, I think Monday was difficult as her dad's gf has recently had a baby and he's been emphasising how he'll be seeing him every day.

This is the cause of your problem, not endless screen time. Going to stay with someone who tells you your Mum loves your brother more and calls your Mum a bitch is enough to drive any child into a state.

Try not to add to it by commenting on the screen time, it's the least of your worries.

Ah then yes I suspect the way her dad is behaving is a lot to blame. Try the love bombing, ensure she knows she is loved by you and find time to reconnect with her xxxx

tallulah I do sympathise, I have experience of SEN but I was talking about children who's teachers say that they are fine are school, not the opposite IYSWIM. I was talking of my experience of children who behave beautifully at school with no concentration problems but are a nightmare at home.

Well, I don't think you are being a bitch, but I do think you are struggling to cope and are not dealing with this situation effectively. I think you are causing yourself more stress than necessary and, IMO, being a bit harsh on your DD.

Firstly, if there is a problem with DDs behaviour after she's been with her dad, you need to address this with him. If he won't take it on board, then you'll probably have to try to come up with strategies to counterbalance this. But think how your DD feels- one minute she has boundaries, the next she doesn't- I'm not surprised her behaviour can be a little OTT. She's a little girl, you can't expect her to make the changes- you have to do it for her, so while you need to be firm with your boundaries- perhaps try to be a little more understanding? You are focussing on all the negatives, and even blowing some a little out of proportion (getting annoyed at accidents)- probably because you are frustrated (and exhausted?).

Secondly, you need to get you DD to sleep earlier- 9:30pm is far too late for the vast majority of 6 year olds. Her behaviour and concentration may well be partly related to lack of sleep too. You could try getting her to bed earlier (perhaps better gradually moving bedtime earlier rather than sudden change) and see if that helps at all. I'm a doctor (not a paediatrician) and I'm fairly certain that if you seek any assessments for her behaviour, they will suggest this. However, if you are concerned re dyspraxia/ADHD I would suggest speaking to your DDs school and see if they have noticed anything, and also speak to your GP regarding a referral for assessment. I'd suggest you do this soon, before it gets any worse and your relationship is affected.

Good luck, I hope you get it sorted for both your sake and your DDs.