Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

You know, in real life, I have friends who have babies who work full time, do triathlons, run marathons, visit spas, have social lives, and so on.

This thread has really got me wondering whether a section of people who tend to have the time and inclination to post on internet forums are likely to be representative of all women.

After all, most women I know would be appalled to discover that their lives end on having children, that they are never allowed a weekend away again, that they must never leave their children with their grandparents, and so on. In fact, who would have children when faced with such a condemning limitation on your future?

How depressing.

lessmiss that's an interesting point.

I do have a couple of friends who I know are a bit at the way I do things, but we openly talk about it and we just know we are different. There's no judging. There's no malice or patronising attempts to get each other to do things differently.

We just accept that we are different.

HOWEVER. I have no friends, that is zero people, who would either a) not go to their DH's best friends wedding, or b) consider leaving their baby with GP's a terrible choice.

They might not choose to do it, but they wouldn't judge it.

I find the general response of some people on this thread has been just very odd. I'm not offended, I am not upset, I am not feeling belittled. But I have been a parent for 10 years, I'm not new to the game.

There are a lot of people who are new to parenting, or are anxious or lacking in confidence. I really hope that the likes of Bumbley et al never come across them, as I can only imagine how damaging that could be to a vulnerable woman - bearing in mind that when these posts were written, the posters concerned had absolutely no idea of my potential mental state - they did know I was pregnant and still continued with the barrage of judgemental nasty comments.

I really, really urge those posters to please think about the way they have spoken on this thread. I am not asking you to change your opinions, I am not saying that you cannot give advice. But please think about how your comments may make someone feel. We are all parents, we are all here to support each other and make parenting - in whatever form you choose - easier.

I should think some of the posters on this thread, if unleasehed, would do a very good job of persuading childless women never to have them.

Yes you can have a weekend away, go to a spa, leave your children with grandparents etc etc, whatever you want! But not when your baby is six weeks old FFS! Newborns need us 24/7. That's the way it is. If you can't be around for your tiny baby, don't have one. Simple really.

When are they old enough then, NutellaNutter?

Oh god. Not again.

OP - Yanbu and I am 150000000 % envious.

Hope you and DH work it out.

Yes you can have a weekend away, go to a spa, leave your children with grandparents etc etc, whatever you want! But not when your baby is six weeks old FFS! Newborns need us 24/7. That's the way it is. If you can't be around for your tiny baby, don't have one. Simple really

Really? Honestly doesn't happen like that in my family. But they tend to be people who do actually go out of the house.

From the way you describe it, it sounds indistinguishable from a prison sentence.

I suppose sitting on the internet with an equally young baby is fine though?

I'm itching to know what the last post on this thread will say! Who will get the last word? Or will it just get to 1000 posts forcing it to die?

I'm actually laughing at it now.

Look at this link. I'm guessing it will really shock a few posters on here and they might faint or something. Especially the narrative about post birth Ironmans, which obviously means training with a very young baby. As in leaving the house without the baby!

triathlon.competitor.com/2014/01/news/bun-in-the-oven-wheels-on-the-ground_92843

It's funny, I spoke to my mum last night about this thread and how I was concerned about what people said and was I being odd...

She was totally and said 'we are quite capable of looking after our grandchild for a couple of days!'

Totally reaffirmed that I am not odd, my choices are not bad or neglectful or unusual or wrong.

nutella you are so wrong in your judgements, I don't even know where to start. So I will just ask you to read the thread, it's all been said before.

OP, I just wanted to say I totally commend your calm in the face of such constant and determined fuckwittery, and think you sound lovely, and the kind of parent I want to be. Have a lovely time.

Of course it's wrong to judge and as it only a weekend if course it's hardly child abuse! But people probably felt that they couldn't understand OP for leaving a six week old as they could never do that - saying that I guess it's their problem and also none of their business!

I don't believe people who say they don't ever judge others though - its always going to happen (unfortunately) that's real life
Look at that Lauren Silverman woman who's having Simon cowells baby. She is never seen with her son. Ever. Everyone judged her for being an unfit mother and a selfish mother.

Juno I am in my very late 50s and was a single parent when DD was born. I was commuting from the south coast up to London until a week before she was born; I had to go back to work when she was 10 weeks old - no long maternity leave in those days. No family/GPs close but I had a wonderful childminder. DD is 25 next week and the apple of my eye. Bad mummy, bad!

Rabbit can't possibly disagree with your take on Juno, but speaking as one who has no strong views on the subject of attached or non attached parenting (I know what works for me but that's my business etc etc) that it is pretty clear to me that fuckwittery has come very forcibly from both sides on this thread.

Of course it's wrong to judge and as it only a weekend if course it's hardly child abuse! But people probably felt that they couldn't understand OP for leaving a six week old as they could never do that - saying that I guess it's their problem and also none of their business!

Pity you didn't bear that in mind, Jimmy when you were ranting upthread about how UNFAIR it was that the grandparents should do night feeds and sniding about the OP having 'me time' in the spa.

I don't believe people who say they don't ever judge others though - its always going to happen (unfortunately) that's real life. Look at that Lauren Silverman woman who's having Simon cowells baby. She is never seen with her son. Ever. Everyone judged her for being an unfit mother and a selfish mother.

Maybe you judged her. It never crossed my mind.

Telling someone to fuck off, and telling them they value make up over a baby are a little different. Or the many other horrible comments.

If you would be more upset by someone saying "fuck off" than you would by repeated statements and insinuations that you're a shit parent who doesn't give a damn about your child's happiness and welfare, then perhaps you aren't as attached to your children as one might hope?

See? Other people can do that manipulative, passive aggressive shit, too. It's just that some of us try not to lower ourselves. HTH!

Jimmy not only have I not judged this women you are referring to (I am aware who she is but don't know anything about her) but I would probably think she was keeping her child out of the public eye. Although I genuinely wouldn't really care where her child was. Personally I find it odd that other people do think so much about what other people are doing.

People that said they can't understand someone else's choices, are, by definition, close minded. This is a real shame. I am not asking anyone to affirm my choices, nor agree with them. But to say they can't understand is really strange. It's not difficult to have awareness that everyone is different?

Can't help but think the childcare martyrs are going to be lost when the child grows up and leaves. It's one thing being a mother, it's another being an obsessive and suffocating..

Oh well, their choice

(In case it wasn't obvious, I was posting in support of the quote... maybe I'm not as good at PA nastiness as I imagine. Woe - must try harder.)

perfect I got ya

I think you made your point well, once again.

It's one thing being a mother, it's another being an obsessive and suffocating..

As said a couple of posts ago, I have no strong feelings either way but surely to goodness, accusing those mothers who do choose to stay close say for the first few months of being obsessive and suffocating is a little bit extreme, and as bad as accusing those mothers who are comfortable with spending small amounts of time away form teh children of being neglectful and unnatural?

Janine - I think it's now your turn to shine that halo of yours

People do judge. If you don't want to believe it that's fine though.

Janine people judge, even you judge. Aibu is full of people making judgements about whether a person is reasonable or not. If it never occurred to you to judge what are you doing on aibu. What you really mean is you judge that you are in agreement with the OP and not Jimmy fair enough, but it is judgement.