Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

So are you inferring that a six week old will miss their mother?

Me? Nope.

This thread has gone bonkers. I was almost broken after 4months of 1-1.5 hourly feeds and almost zero sleep. I'd have given anything for DS to take a bottle &give me a break. It wasn't the way I had envisaged it! I had tickets to see Madonna when he was was only 11weeks old. Not overnight but would've required many hours away & I couldn't do it. My friend who's DD was only 6weeks managed fine. We both booked the tickets with the best of intentions but it just didn't work out for me.
It was suggested I was being pfb-esque (16year gap between pfb &ds) by that friend who thought I should just let him starve. It really pissed me off. I wouldn't have judged her the other way around, & I certainly don't judge others about how and when they leave their kids (unless they're being left in obvious danger, or not ideal circumstances!)
But loving, capable and willing grandparents?? I would take up their offer in your shoes. I'm sure you would reconsider the wedding if - IF - things didn't go quite to plan with the baby as you expect them to. It's not reasonable to suggest you can't make any plans just incase. Plans can be changed if need be.

OP I credit my mum &dad for the fabulous young lady my 17yo DD has turned into (haha, well, if you don't cooing the messy room and housework allergy) She has excelled in just about everything, I get comments regularly from friends/acquaintances/colleagues etc on how lovely she is. She went straight to Uni from 5th year. Has a pt supermarket job. Has never given me any cause for concern (despite having experienced some pretty horrible stuff in her life) an I KNOW that my parents influenced her and shaped the person she is today.
I wet back to Uni and worked long hours when she was small - it was the only way I could ensure a stable future for her. Having grandparents who are able and willing to be active in their grand kids upbringing an only be a good thing!

Anyway, glad to hear your DH recognised your feelings and made appropriate plans. I always feel that part of the excitement of a wedding is the getting ready! I wouldn't really want to do that by myself either. I don't that's being precious at all.

at Harold

Not entirely sure what you want as a response here, tbh. You've already made your mind up that you're going to the wedding come hell or high water so your annoyance isn't really an issue is it?

One off it Brandnew,

*come off it

Kubrick how on earth can you say you haven't read Bumbley's posts, and then go on to outline their logical faults, sloppy arguments etc? That's hardly logical and you sound pretty angry and aggressive yourself. Pot, kettle?

(by the way, luggage might well be too heavy to carry after a section, but a make up bag? How heavy would that be exactly? Heavier than a baby?)

Juno One of the risks of the wonderful world of the internet is that when you ask a question, you are opening yourself up to potentially unexpected views, opinions and commentary. That doesn't sanction abuse, of course. But it's simply not possible to say 'don't respond in any way, or with reference to any other issue, other than the very specific one I want to raise'. If that's what people want you need to employ a paid companion to have these conversations with.

Whoever alleged that anyone querying the OP's stance in any way is jealous - sorry to disappoint you but I'm not! I get time away from DC myself and am perfectly happy with my life choices, as the OP is with hers. I can still give an opinion on a discussion forum without their being some deep-seated bitterness behind it

Kubrick, to mothers practising attachment parenting (to any degree) Bumbley wasn't being stupid. Sometimes if you parent in this way others' choices to bottle feed from birth by choice and have a weekend off are genuinely difficult to understand.as for "aggressive" and "vile" perhaps read your own post again and see who comes across worse.

Every parent is an attached one, to a degree we just call it parenting

Kubrick, to mothers practising attachment parenting (to any degree) Bumbley wasn't being stupid. Sometimes if you parent in this way others' choices to bottle feed from birth by choice and have a weekend off are genuinely difficult to understand.

What the hell? I practice attachment parenting. I don't, however, think that makes me a superior breed of mother/human being/life form. Nor do I believe it invalidates other parenting styles or choices. And I find Bumbley's postings towards this OP not just stupid, but exceedingly self-congratulatory and downright unkind.

There are plenty of good and valid ways to parent, because what suits one person would drive another crazy, and a settled, stable, happy home environment is best for kids - which means parents who are comfy with how they do things. I happen to think co-sleeping, instantly-responding, sling-using parenting suits me, suits my instincts, and suits my family. I fully accept that some people I know do well on strict routines, or a more group-based (father/child-carer/grandparents etc) approach, especially when they have a demanding job and thus it's in the baby's interests to develop several key attachment figures, so they are always confident and happy when in the care of any one of those individuals. All of us manage to produce happy, settled, bright and engaging kids, and our routes there are therefore a matter of personal choice alone.

I think it's very, very sad that some women appear unable to cope with those making choices that differ from their own. It isn't a criticism of their own decisions, and it's none of anyone else's damn business. And frankly I can't begin to comprehend how anyone who claims to care about attachment parenting, which presumably involves an interest in the "Why Love Matters" type ideas about brain chemistry, would be so blithely relaxed about trying to scare, bully and manipulate a very pregnant woman. You might not give a shit about upsetting her, but given the claimed motivation for these comments is concern for the baby, what about the hormonal cocktail such attacks could inflict on the foetal brain? And what about the distress this sort of nonsense could cause a woman who was feeling vulnerable in her pregnancy - prenatal depression is common, as is post-natal, and again, anyone who claims any interest in attachment parenting should be concerned by the mere idea that they could add to that possibility. Luckily the OP is robust, an experienced parent, and well-supported by her husband, but the people finger-wagging and hectoring her not only didn't know that - they plainly didn't give a shit, either way.

There is no motive for posting the kinds of things the OP was subjected to that reflects well on those doing it. None. It can't help the baby, it can't help the OP, and she never for a moment asked for or welcomed the repeated, obsessively-voiced criticisms... so the only remaining conclusion is that trying to make others feel small makes them feel good.

Totally agree with you perfect storm.

Having a load of people speading over 650 messages, telling you that you are an awful parent for even considering going to the wedding without the baby, would likely press some people into thinking they were wrong, and decide not to go after all. They might even think they were a bad parent, and start questioning other choices they have made.

Erm, you didn't have 650 posts slating you as a parent. There was a minority of people who were unececessarily nasty about our choices, and the rest of the thread has basically been mud slinging between those people and people in support of you.

And if you have really been here for 10 years then would have known exactly how this thread was going to go.

*your choices, not ours!

I didn't read B's posts that way. it was the ones that followed her opinion that shocked me more - that's when the insults really started to fly - and then it escalated into a bunfight.

Well said PerfectStorm.

There is no reason to repeatedly and determinedly impose your parenting methods on another perfectly capable parent, who is expressing that your opinions are not welcome, other than to elevate yourself and feed your own self importance.

As regards my old neighbour, who I mentioned earlier, I think this was certainly true. We weren't close and had little to do with one another, than what should have been a friendly 'hello' over the garden fence. No matter how many times I said "It's fine...you don't need to worry about it", or "thanks...but I think that's up to me" she would persist. In fact, my polite refusal to entertain her unwanted opinons only seemed to fire her up more...as if she couldn't rest until she had browbeaten me down. Not that I let her.

That is exactly how I saw what went on here last night. The people badgering the OP about her choices and expostulating at length about why they were right, were not trying to be helpful - they wanted to win.

I know I keep using the word 'inappropriate', but I really cannot think of another so fitting, as that is precisely what it is. It is not motivated by care, but self satisfaction.
Dreadful behaviour.

Great post perfect storm.

Sometimes if you parent in this way others' choices to bottle feed from birth by choice and have a weekend off are genuinely difficult to understand.

That is just attempting to put spin on being overbearing and rude. They understand perfectly well...they just don't accept that other people do things differently yet view themselves as an equally good parent as they. It's nothing to do with not understanding, and everything to do with conveying superiority.

There is new research showing that babies don't form attachments before 6 months anyway.

People dragging up attachment theory and using it incorrectly makes me laugh.

Candy coats there is plenty if studies contradicting that too. Early attachment has been studied a lot. Theories are just that.

I don't see why her length of service had anything to do with it.

And even if she had seen threads like this over the years dosent mean she has to accept it.

Or we would all be thinking best not ask that or the wolves will be out.

Perhaps she thought the place had improved - daft I know!

Another - this is brand new research building on the idea that early attachments are not as crucial. Not a theory.