Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

Nice flowers. :)

Anothernumberone, there is advise and opinion, and there is judgement. As you say it got quite out of hand here. I never presume my way is always the right way, we just always do what is best for us. Someone offering a useful opinion is fine but the my way is right and you are wrong brigade offer nothing.

I have found this thread compelling to read. I am quite amazed at how vile people can be to one another.
When I read the original op I was very shocked that the poster was leaving her 6 week old for two nights. My dd (4th dc) screamed constantly until 12 weeks and there is no way I would have left her with anyone for their sake rather than mine. However that is obviously not an issue for the op so good luck to her.
With regards to the actual issue I thought OP was being unreasonable and did sound precious and self centred. I think maybe some of the reactions against her were because of the light she presented herself in.
I did like reading AIBU but I think I will stay away from now on as the force of some people's opinions leaves a bad taste.

Well, to be fair, OP, you brought the vitriol on yourself by transgressing some of the most cherished laws of Mumsnet:

1. If you are invited to a wedding, the default reaction is to complain bitterly about how selfish and entitled the bride and groom are being by inconveniencing you and causing you to spend money. Rather than whining that they were not holding the reception at the working mens' club or church hall near your home, you instead seem not to have an issue with the fact that they are getting married in a pricey hotel. Moreover, given that the guests' children are obviously far more important than the bride and groom, you are being extremely perverse by not bringing yours. Perhaps you were a little thrown by the fact that they weren't having a child-free wedding, thus denying you an opportunity to start a thread on this in AIBU? Anyway, your post has failed to meet the requirements for a wedding thread on this forum. You actually want to go to a wedding? No wonder some ladies on here are clutching at their pearls.

1. No one must touch your baby until it is able to move around independently. In particular, it is to be reinforced to the grandmothers that this is Not Their Baby. They should consider themselves lucky to be allowed a one hour visit in the first weeks of the baby's life. Leaving your baby with your parents contravenes the unwritten law that you are the Only Capable Caregiver. And that you must martyr yourself to your child until such a point in their life that they marry and have someone else to take care of them. Who, of course, will never be good enough.

Let this be a lesson to you, OP: other people understand your children's needs better than you do. Even if they do think they are mice.

I can't believe some of the vitriol on here - FWIW, my dt's were 8 weeks prem and in special care for 3 weeks. Once I had recovered a bit from my EMCS the special care nurses encouraged DH and I not to feel obliged to spend every possible moment with them. They were not dangerously ill, just small, and the nurses said that every need was cared for, a couple of hours away during the day would not hurt them and would benefit us, and we were sent home every night. I had no trouble bonding, they have no memory of being "abandoned" and are well adjusted young men enjoying uni.

A couple of nights with caring grandparents will do the baby no harm, will do the OP a lot of good, and to suggest that if the baby needed extra care she would still go is ridiculous.

False dilemma, Baroness tbf.

Actually BrandNewIggi it wasn't a false dilemma.

Plenty of people - myself included - have suffered PND. Feeling like you aren't fulfilling a role that many people seem to want to push on you as 'right' only fuels this. Being told to miss an important wedding because how dare you part with your child, is abhorrent, to be honest.

I, thankfully, am made of strong stuff. I am in a good place, mentally, at the moment. There have been times in my life when this thread would have absolutely ruined me.

No, it isn't. That's EXACTLY how it is.

X-post with Juno.

I propose a new strap line

"For parents to tell each other they are shit parents"

Lol

"Actually there were studies in mice that showed that mother mice who licked/nurtured their babies had babies with lower stress levels. Something to do with cortisol binding"

After getting called out on it:

"Really? So you don't think we should take anything from animal studies then?"

And to think that people (ie the media) think MN is full of bat shit crazed women?! Thanks a bunch for adding more fuel to that stereotype Bumbley, the medal is in the post.

Another small thing, I'm sure you can remember from your 'genetics masters' that mice don't have babies, they have pups.

OP, you realized you were being OTT, glad to see things seem to be on the way up for you, now I hope from now onwards you remember to check in with the day's animal research news, don't want you missing anything which could make you a better parent

My hamster ate her babies.

Opps... Correction needed. I mistakenly attributed you to having a master's in genetics, when infact you said nothing of the sort. Just A generic "from one of my masters" etc...

I just totally laughed out loud at my desk at 'my hamster ate her babies'

First child or fifth child I would not leave a 6 week old to go to a wedding, the child comes before me, my husband etc etc

Good for you Lickety. Don't forget to polish that halo.

Juno, have a lovely time at the wedding.

That's great if that's what you want to do lickity.

Nothing wrong with going to a wedding though.

I wouldn't leave a 6 week old to go to a wedding either, but I will defend anyone else's right to do so.

I think one of the problems with this thread is that it wasn't asking for opinions on the more common issues that arise when a mum of a 6 week old is meant to be going to a wedding eg will I actually be able to get out of bed/pjs by then, can I leave my baby, can I take my baby? (although you have had plenty of opinions expresssed on these issues)
Instead it did seem to be concentrating on the very pressing matter on who was going to be looking after your make up bag. I would assume that this was probably fuelled by the same hormones that kept me awake for hours when pregnant with my DS, worrying where we were going to put a piano, which obviously my pfb would need as soon as he was born
Glad everything is now sorted OP.
I, on the other hand, have still not found a place where we can put a piano and my DS who is now 9 has just asked if he can have piano lessons

I don't think she needed to ask was she being unreasonable going to the wedding, as she has considered the options, is happy with her parents minding them so to her it's a non issue and not one requiring any input.

I would have expected the odd sniffy comment but not this level of bonkersness.

Yep, false dilemma. They are not the only two options. Have had pnd myself so wouldn't be wishing that on anyone, yet this wedding has never been presented as an alternative to a mum being pushed into depression through lack of a break.

I am at this thread.

And at Harold's new strapline suggestion.

Have a good time at the wedding Juno, you heartless, neglectful wretch.

No, brandnew you are wrong.

Having a load of people speading over 650 messages, telling you that you are an awful parent for even considering going to the wedding without the baby, would likely press some people into thinking they were wrong, and decide not to go after all. They might even think they were a bad parent, and start questioning other choices they have made.

This will fuel depression. Or at least it certainly could.

It's a damaging, nasty thing to do.

Everyone is being mean to the OP because they are jealous.

I went to a wedding once with a work colleague who had a 2 month old, she had left him with her mother (as she already did one night a week anyway) and stayed two nights in the hotel with her husband. The baby was f-fed from birth. My friend looked amazing, had a fabulous time, drinking, dancing, li- in, breakfast in bed. I had an 18 month old who had barely stopped bf-ing and was about 4 months pregnant and utterly knackered. I had never had a weekend like that, ever since becoming pregnant, because the one time I left dd1 for a night I was already pregnant again, shattered, not drinking, and not feeling very well. And looking like shit, of course.
I couldn't believe the difference between my life and hers.
My choice, her choice. I don't judge her, but (this says bad things about me, by the way, I am not defending my bitter attitude), I wouldn't have wanted to hear this smart, independent adult with her baby miles away and a full night's sleep ahead of her, moaning about trivial inconveniences like having to drive an hour alone or arrive at a hotel alone. It would have pissed me off.

None of this sniping is nice but I bet it comes from people who would have sold organs to get a full night's sleep when their babies were 6 weeks old.