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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Re DH's friends wedding

999 replies

Juno77 · 26/01/2014 17:42

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

  1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
  2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all
OP posts:
CSIJanner · 27/01/2014 09:43

Thought the hotel room was sorted out last night but it seems that everyone loves a pearl clutching at dawn judgeathon

If you want to have a real heart attack, there's a thread from last night where the mum wants to go on belated honeymoon for 2 weeks when bubba is 8 weeks old... (Leaves thread, whistling....)

aderynlas · 27/01/2014 09:47

I just find it difficult to understand how mean some posters have been to the op. I wouldnt have wanted to leave my babies but that was up to me. Juno has a supportive family situation and her parents sound lovely. Her arrangements work for her. Why do certain posters think their way is the best way.

aderynlas · 27/01/2014 09:47

I just find it difficult to understand how mean some posters have been to the op. I wouldnt have wanted to leave my babies but that was up to me. Juno has a supportive family situation and her parents sound lovely. Her arrangements work for her. Why do certain posters think their way is the best way.

anothernumberone · 27/01/2014 09:47

Pictish you do not come on Mumsnet if you do not want to hear opinions and for what it is worth I think you display so Elizabeth tendencies of your own last night. Wink

anothernumberone · 27/01/2014 09:48

Display so = displayed some

aderynlas · 27/01/2014 09:48

Thought id say it twice in case you missed it !!!!

anothernumberone · 27/01/2014 09:53

Aderynlas I think most posters think there way is the best way otherwise you probably wouldn't do it that way. I also think judgement is very important and healthy and get extremely tired and bored of people telling others not to judge because tbh that is how we determine the most appropriate actions to take for our families. I have to say it got very personal on both sides of this thread which is uncomfortable.

pictish · 27/01/2014 10:08

All this hand wringing and beseeching over a baby spending a couple of nights in the loving care of its experienced and willing grandparents, is hysterical and completely barmy.

I would seriously urge those who felt entitled to make deeply unpleasant comments about the OP's 'priorities' and let their fantasies run away with them, visualising and projecting the baby 'screaming itself hoarse while OP is at the spa' to take a good, objective look at their conduct and ask themselves why they feel the compulsion to so strongly impress their unsought for opinions on another mother like that, over something so utterly trivial and not of their concern. How self important can you be?

Threads like this one will do nothing for Mumsnet's public image. No wonder some people regard us as a clutch of harpies!

JimmyChooChoo · 27/01/2014 10:14

Wow. Some people are very naive. This is Aibu for crying out loud!

Original poster
Juno77 · 27/01/2014 10:32

Yes, Jimmy, but I didn't ask if I was BU for leaving my children for the weekend with their grandparents.

I am more than happy and comfortable, knowing that I am not BU to do this. Therefore, I didn't ask for, and don't need either affirmation nor a public flaming for my choices.

If I has asked 'AIBU to leave my children for 2 days with their grandparents so I can go to a wedding', then yes, I would expect (sadly) the level of vitriol I have received. I am very well versed in how AIBU runs and, as I have no desire to hear such wild, inflammatory nastiness directed towards my parenting choices, I wouldn't ask this.

But hey, I got it anyway.

I'm sorry to all the nay-sayers, you have failed to change my mind and in fact only reinforced my decisions.

Id rather be a 'detached' parent, than someone who speaks to other (pregnant) women the way some people here have.

OP posts:
DejaVuAllOverAgain · 27/01/2014 10:41

Yes, it's AIBU but the AIBU was whether or not the OP was BU to want her DH sleeping in the same room as herself and not the groom. Instead some posters on this thread banged on about something that had nothing to do with the OP.

It was a bit like opening a thread to find the OP asking if she was BU to expect her DH to share the school run and being told she should at least agree to try anal sex before saying no Confused

OP, I'm glad you got things sorted with your DH. Have a great time at the wedding.

Mintyy · 27/01/2014 10:44

As I said yesterday, I just don't understand why you mentioned the baby at all?

JimmyChooChoo · 27/01/2014 10:58

It was a bit like opening a thread to find the OP asking if she was BU to expect her DH to share the school run and being told she should at least agree to try anal sex before saying no

^ so random haha

roundtable · 27/01/2014 10:59

Jeepers creepers! First two threads I've clicked on and the op has had a battering.

Enjoy your wedding op, I'm sure your new dc will be swamped with cuddles and love from their grandparents.

Original poster
Juno77 · 27/01/2014 11:01

Mintyy.. I did explain, but shall happily do so again.

  1. I felt it was relevant as DH is already going away for a few days when the baby is small for the stag do.
  1. I will be feeling crappy and shit about myself, as I am insecure about my body image 6 weeks postpartum.

These reasons combined were what was making me feel precious, a second thought and that the wedding was once again coming before my feelings.

I was WRONG and we have established that Smile

OP posts:
akachan · 27/01/2014 11:03

This thread is amazing. Why are people so angry about someone else's babysitting arrangements?!

Commander6 · 27/01/2014 11:10

I am always more hesitant to post on a sunday from about 4pm onwards, closely followed by a friday night.
But far and away New Years Eve!!!

WholeLottaRosie · 27/01/2014 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheXxed · 27/01/2014 11:16

You are conflating two separate things, attached parenting doesn't mean being harsh to other pregnant women.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 27/01/2014 11:18

This thread reminds me of when I posted something along the lines of "Would it be madness to go to Egypt in May". Admitedly I posted in AIBU for the traffic Smile. I just wanted to know if it'd be too hot, which I explained in my OP. Replies ranged from telling me I was a fool not to just check the weather forecasts, why did I need to rely on strangers to help me make these decisions, to what kind of idiot was I, contributing to the regime in Egypt by considering going there, exposing my DC to such dangers. Felt very Confused after!

Squirrelsmum · 27/01/2014 11:26

I read the first page and the last, enough to get the gist anyway.
Fwiw I would still go the two nights and enjoy total solitude on the night DH is off with the groom, whole bed to myself, no one stealing the remote, uninterrupted soak in the tub and not having to share the mini bar sounds like a good night to me.

Original poster
Juno77 · 27/01/2014 11:27

Rosie I could, thanks.

It's fine though, as DH and I are going to be staying both nights.

Avon AIBU can sometimes be really, really Hmm. I think some people are just so self-righteous in their own ways, they really do believe anything else is wrong.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 27/01/2014 11:32

So, tell me, what's better? A woman being guilt-tripped into staying at home and putting her baby always first with the end result of totally misery and PND for the mother, not being able to cope, screaming at the baby and sitting on the sofa crying for hours on end? Or the baby being left sometimes with loving grandparents to enable the mother to have some space, be herself, cope, and generally be a normal human being?

My first reaction was indeed wtf because that's what I've been socially conditioned to believe, but then I thought about it. And I thought about my own circumstance, the pressure from my maternal baby mad family, and how miserable and depressed conforming to their expectations made me. The baby's needs are important but so is the mother. Giving birth doesn't turn you into an android.

Original poster
Juno77 · 27/01/2014 11:35

BaronessBomburst I wish there was some emoticon for round of applause, or something.

As it stands, I will have to make do with a THANK YOU and Flowers

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 27/01/2014 11:38

Juno, I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are obviously not being considered in the bride & grooms plans (it is however their wedding so I suppose they are entitled to have who they want around the night before - and that doesn't seem to be you unfortunately)

If I were you, I'd go for 1 night (get the wedding over with as little expense as possible) and save the two night spa break for your DH and yourself some other time (when it can just be about you and you are in control of plans)