Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

Also a difference because they would also have known your DH as well as you exp. I doubt as many people would have been shocked if the OP was leaving her baby with her DH and going for a hen weekend.

But do you genuine believe that a baby can ever only settle with one specific person? Particularly a 6 week old baby?

Like, do you think, honestly, that there would ever be a situation where if a baby was removed from its primary caregiver for an extended period of time, it just wouldn't settle? At all? For days?! I mean, surely that's just madness. You can't believe that.

Anyway, you want to spend all your time with your baby, and that's just fine with me.

I don't want to spend all my time with my baby. I hope you can realise that this should be okay with you.

I would have to say that bumbley has been on the receiving end of some really hateful comments here. Ironic to see people thinking that her criticism of the OP somehow legitimates personal attacks in return.

RJ, it'snot the reason for leaving - it's the length of time. Have you really not picked up on that? It's been said loads of times on the thread now. A working day is not 72 hours away from a baby.

bumbley, I think you'll find the mice comments made by several posters were sarcasm. Occasioned by your link being a bit daft, frankly.

As for jumping on the bandwagon, well, I've RTFT, & my initial reaction, like yours, was 'I wouldn't have been able to go to a wedding for two nights without my 6wo baby'.

Since then, the interaction between yourself & OP has convinced me that she knows exactly what she's doing & fair play to her, whereas you do rather come across as both obsessive & astonishingly closed minded. Oh & bloody rude.

No, Juno, I have not said that. I have said that some babies don't and that isn't a reflection of people's parenting methods. Some people can have children that have babies that are perfectly fine with other people and then one that just won't be settled with anyone else. Some people have posted their experiences of that on the thread.

Thanks Mellow. They don't seem to have picked up on that themselves!

raven, the mouse comment was in response to one made by RJ about cortisol levels. The study was related to cortisol levels in the blood - it just happened to be in mice. Not ridiculous in context.

What do you think about all the comments made about being glued to your baby/having no life etc? Rude too? Acceptable?

'expat, it has already been said that leaving a baby for a working day because you HAVE to go back to work is not the same as leaving a baby for 72 hours because you want to go away for the weekend.'

What bloody difference does it make?! For all we know, and it's NONE of our business, Juno's parents live near them, obviously close enough that her children see and stay with them regularly enough to know them. Even if they don't live near, they have offered and will be there, it's not like they are strangers, they are people who brought her up. Gah, I can't think of whom I'd trust as much with my children, as my mother and MIL. They would gladly lay down their lives for their grandchildren. They brought us up.

Why does it matter so much, if she (and her spouse) want to go away for the weekend together v someone who lets her baby be looked after by her own mother because she wants or needs a full night's rest, has to go into hospital or even because she needs to work for money?

The point is that the baby has someone there to see to its needs, cuddles, etc., someone trusted.

I know where your initial mouse post came from - like I said, I've RTFT! Not terribly robust or relevant science in context, hence it occasioning some gentle ribbing...

I was pretty much glued to all three of my dc when they were very small babies, so I'd be fine with comments to that effect.

The difference is that I didn't tell other mothers that they needed to bring their parenting in line with mine.

My point was that they are for different lengths of time - working day vs 72 hour weekend. VEry different and not comparable.

Before I actually go...I will say that I think I've been a bit harsh on Bumbley myself.

I'm afraid that mothers beetling other mothers on they can better parent their own kids, unasked, is one of those things that just sticks in my craw. I find it so unkind, yet in this instance, I allowed myself to be unkind in return.
For that I apologise Bumbley.
Two wrongs don't make a right.

Night all x

But you made that point.

OP politely replied that she was happy with her arrangements.

At that point, your work was done.

My son is 'high needs', he has always been. Now he is due to be diagnosed, ADHD/HFA. I left him with my mother a night or two, when she was here, at that age, because I was doolally and needed a break. So somehow I damaged him or put my needs above his? Bollocks to that! He has a very strong relationship with all his grandparents. He has other relationships, with other caregivers.

He settled eventually, I guess, I went to sleep. Yes, I'd have left him, even as 'high needs' through sheer exhaustion.

So what? It's not like I left him with a pack of dingoes.

Oh, dear, I thought it might go this way ... So I've skipped the argument build-up, therefore don't know whether you've resolved your problem, Juno! Have you?

I wanted to say YANBU, of course, and I cannot for the life of me understand why your husband needs to sleep with two men instead of his wife. (My only guess is one we might not want to discuss while you're getting all this grief about your maternal instincts.)

Just stay in the bloody hotel, and do your stuff. Let DH choose whether to sleep with you or the groom. Have a nice time :)

It's not like I left him with a pack of dingoes.

I hear they make good surrogate parents, expat ...

Thank you pictish. Good night.

raven, after that I pretty much started to reply to other people who were saying that 'not every mother is joined to their baby until they are 18" etc and it went from there. I may have got a bit more dramatic for the post that got deleted but other people have said the same things as I have so I know I'm not alone.

Right, I need to go to sleep. Good night all.

Bumbley, I'm going to try and explain why I think people are so angry with your responses, since you seem to be at a loss yourself.

Firstly Juno didn't ask for opinions on her childcare arrangements, but some people, including you saw fit to comment negatively and pass judgement on her decisions.

When Juno then went onto explain that she was again very happy and confident with her childcare arrangements, you and others suggested she hadn't thought things through properly because what if she had a high needs baby or there were health issues etc. Juno responded by saying that of course if there were health issues etc she would cancel but that she felt her mother would be just as capable dealing with a high needs baby as she or her DH was. And here's where it all went wrong. Instead of thinking 'ah great sounds like Juno has thought through all eventualities, hope she has a great time away at the wedding', you didn't. You persisted with the posts, as if trying to brow-beat Juno into submission, until she finally admitted that yes, all along that you Bumbley were right and she would stay at home, miss the wedding.

We all choose to parent differently and we all end up doing it in ways that sometimes surprise us. There is no right or wrong way. We are all just doing what we need to do. Why is it that some mothers seem to be in a constant competition?. It's unnecessary, and this thread just illustrates that. My choices about how I feed or put my child to bed are my choices and no one else has the right to comment.

Can I ask you honestly Bumbley, what did you hope to achieve?

'Sometimes we all end up doing it in a way that surprises us' [parenting]

Not the OP, who has repeatedly stated that she will feel a certain way, and that that there will be no problems with X or Y. She does not seem to see parenting as holding any surprises or having any potential to catch her off guard, so I don't think she fits into the 'things happen and surprise you but you ad

'but you adapt' camp. Sorry, phone posted too soon then.

I'm also with Bumbly on this one.
Don't like the statement that Pictish 'won't forget your name'. Oooooh should we be scared?

Ooops sozza. I'm sorry to and no offence to Pictish.

So she does, Mellow. I did, too. Everyone knows my story, I can't say what I thought or felt in the past is a regret worth much because I did not know what lay ahead of us, no one does. Regretting the past will not change the present or future. We all operate in the here and now. She has already said that if her child has health problems or becomes ill, of course she won't go, he shouldn't either, IMO. Shit happens. I can't say I'd do what I did, if I had a crystal ball and could see how things worked out. Duh! It's a moot point. We all do what we feel is best for the family at the time - going to work, having a weekend away, leaving our children with grandparents if we chose.

For now, she is confident and happy. What else is there?

Jesus fuck. I feel like I've just dropped acid.

Bumbley you sound seriously insecure in your own parenting ability if you can't imagine for one second that someone might not agree with your point of view about leaving a 6 week old with grandparents. All those "what ifs, what ifs!" - "what if baby is colicky?" - baby gets left with grandparent and the end result is still the same. The baby is still colicky. Doesn't matter if it's colicky with it's mother, father or grandparents. It's still going to have some seriously bad colic and nothing can soothe that shit.

But what if the baby is absolutely fine, happy, as so many other 6 week olds are, to be soothed, fed, held and sung to by any other person? Why can you not understand that some people live their lives knowing that the decisions they make for their children are the only ones that matter, and quite frankly don't give a shit what others think?

I, for one, would have no trouble leaving my 6 week old in the care of another to enjoy a couple of nights away because I know my baby will not have the faintest idea whether I'm there or not and will be absolutely fine with another care giver! But do I care that others couldn't do that? Of course I don't! Do I judge a mother who isn't comfortable leaving their baby? Of course I don't! I really don't care how others choose to parent their children, be they the "AP lentil weavering co-sleepers" or one who chooses to go back to work at 8 week, be it through necessity or desire.

I do however, judge posters who are so stubborn and bull headed that they just can't understand the concept that their way of thinking when it comes to parenting, isn't the only way.

Juno glad you sorted it out with your dh. Hope you both have a lovely time at the wedding. Everyone parents in their own way. You realise this and its a pity other people who are convinced only theirs is the right way, do not. Best wishes for the arrival of your dc.