Re DH's friends wedding

[Juno77]

DH friend is getting married later in the year. DH is the best man. I am due to give birth 6 weeks prior to the wedding.

DH is going away on stag weekend (abroad) when child is 3 weeks old. I don't mind this, but it is a factor in my current annoyance.

Wedding is in a really fancy hotel, about 50 miles from where we live. We aren't planning to bring the children anyway.

We were planning to stay 2 nights in fancy hotel, as DH has plans with the groom and other friends the day/evening before. I was happily going to relax in the hotel, maybe go to the spa, go for a nice walk, just relax child free. Spend the night together, and wake up on the morning of the wedding and take my time getting ready, relaxing breakfast by myself etc.

DH friend has now told him he's booked them a room for the night before (along with a third friend). So, DH is staying the night before, and I will just have to sort myself out in the morning and make my own way to the hotel, already dressed for the wedding (as check in is too late to get ready there).

I'm pissed off. AIBU? And if so, should I be pissed with DH? Is it really his fault? Should he say no, or should we be more accommodating to the plans of the groom?

For the purposes of not drip feeding;

1. It's over £200 a night so I don't want to spend that on a room for the night before, by myself.
2. I'm not friendly with the bride at all

No, Bumbley, luckily she doesn't. That doesn't alter the fact that your posts have been some of the most spectacularly nasty I have ever read in 8 years on Mumsnet. If I ever spoke to anyone that way over their parenting choices, when they were not abusive or neglectful and they were at the time pregnant, I would be desperately ashamed of myself. I find your seeming lack of any empathy in posting as you have deeply disturbing, to be blunt.

It's not nonsense in the least.

Some people think that a baby 'needs' it's mother. This is not a fact. A baby needs a loving caregiver. To continually belittle those who choose not to have the mother as the primary caregiver, in any scenario, is really not on.

Some do through choice and should not be judged.
Some do through tragedy and should not be judged.

That's all.

You are choosing to have mother and father as primary caregivers! I think?
But then both are going away. I do think there is more to this than meets the eye.

Not an answer to the original AIBU but have to add.. I think whilst the OP is getting a hard time on this thread, some posters may be less 'judgey' if people acknowledged the massive amount of evidence that a baby is already very much attached to its mother at birth, rather than these 'a baby doesn't care who is looking after it' type comments. It has spent 9 (ish) months with you and it has been shown that it knows your smell/voice/heartbeat by the time it is born. By 6 weeks it will certainly know your face like no one else's. You can be in a roomful of loving grandparents and the mother may well be the only one the baby will settle with.
I'm not saying two nights away will do any long term harm at all to baby, (although I do think it might be unnecessarily stressed out in the short term) but it's just inaccurate to imply that it won't notice any difference. (Disclaimer-I have a 6 wk old baby ) If you're happy with leaving it OP, then have a great wkend, I just think people are wound up that you think the baby won't care that you're gone.

You're focussing on the back to work/working day scenario. Which is different to the situation you were talking about in your op - weekend away at a wedding where your dh is best man and so of course has, out of the two of you, to attend.

If roles were reversed and you were bridesmaid, I'd be suggesting that you go and your dh look after your baby, so am not focussing on the mother as primary caregiver, particularly as in your situation you've made it very clear that you and your dh share care 50/50.

Certainly when I went back to work after I had ds1 (admittedly when he was older), he had a number of settling in sessions with his childminder. My sil went back to work when her dc was younger and the same was arranged. The working day did not extend over several nights though, and I don't imagine that that would apply to many people who go back to work when their baby is young/youngish (thinking of situations where both parents who are joint caregivers would be away simultaneously for work for several nights).

But right back at the beginning I said that you should go and have a night in hotel on your own!

My later comments have been generally in response to the dismissal of attachment as being a good thing for babies and the suggestion that they don't care who is looking after them, which I actually don't believe to be the case. It's absolutely great that you have involved parents but I do personally think it's a bit of a leap to compare the situation in your op with the situation experienced by parents who return to work.

Sorry, not meant to be an ! there

Oops, maybe a bit too long!

I would hope Juno isn't upset because she is perfectly happy ?ith her own choices regarding HER baby and is confident she has safe, suitable and nurturing care arranged. And is going to have a whale of a time. Given some of the posts we see on here from women who struggle even to have a shower at 6 weeks post partum, Juno, I think you are fab.

Fwiw I had a child who spent it's first THREE WEEKS of life in SCBU being primarily cared for by a flotilla of nurses and is absolutely none the worse for it, has anyone considered what happens to these "high needs " babies. When the mother can't have them velcroed on to them? Or are we not bothered if we can manage to kick someone else tonight to make us feel better.

Um, yup we are both equal caregivers.

And for 2 days in June, we will hand those reigns to my parents.

Nothing more to it.

X post with pooka!

Really ps? I read back over them and most of my posts were not offensive and many were not even directed at the OP at all - they were responses to people suggesting that anyone questioning leaving a 6 week old 'had no life/was still joined at the umbilical cord/did not think other people could look after their children etc. I think one got deleted where I called her a 'princess' and said she was ignoring her baby's needs. Hardly nasty by MN standards! Have you really been around for 8 years? I've been here for around 6 and have seen much worse.

Fucking hell you're hard work Bumbley and really over invested in this.

I've been on here for 10 years and I think you've been pretty mean. You've called me all sorts!

Is that what the deleted post was? I've been wondering!

I don't ignore my baby's needs. If that was the case, I'd take it to the wedding and leave it in the hotel room.

Pooka - I think I've combined the two as I got a comment saying I was detached as a parent because I was 'boasting' about going back I work at 8 weeks.

Yes I reported the post - sanctimonious claptrap and a personal attack- it would seem MNHQ agreed.

Juno - I'm glad you accept that a baby needs a primary caregiver. Now maybe you can recognise that grandparents, loving as they are, are not (in your case) the primary care givers.

Thank you

X posts with many!

Take the baby to the wedding? Now there's an idea!

Christ almighty, bumbley could you possibly be any more patronising?

bumble where did I say a baby needs a primary caregiver?

Yes, I have really been around that long, and no, I have not seen worse than someone basically telling someone they are a completely shit mother, at length and with huge aggression, when the OP did not ask for any input on the subject, cannot benefit from the attacks in any way, and is heavily pregnant. And the stress most women would suffer when contending with your behaviour would be to the foetus' detriment, so your only possible fig-leaf for these attacks - concern for the baby - doesn't fly, either: you had no way of knowing your words wouldn't cause great distress, and cortisol and adrenaline caused by emotional distress aren't thought to be great for a developing foetal brain.

Your continued refusal to understand why your posts have appalled people does not surprise me. As I said, you do not display much evidence of empathy in your posts. Ironic, in the circumstances.

Comprised with moshe and the waterskiing hol, way back when, and various other threads from the last 10 years, this has actually been pretty civil, but then the op here was much less extreme than the moshe one which involved I think that op going away for a fortnight while her 2 week old was in SCBU.

I think you should go and enjoy yourself, Juno!