To be quite angry with my friend?

[Imogencodpiece]

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

deardarling thanks for bringing that to my attention too - A COUPLE of weeks ago??? Are you for real?

You sound like a group of people who would titter at the word "penis" because "oooh sex is naughty" - New flash sex is not a big deal and it makes you all sound really immature that your group revolves around sexual innuendos.

Seriously again you need to build a bridge and get over it. How have you been treating "your friend" during these couple of weeks??

And I think her age has sweet fuck all to do with this.

She didn't stand up and mime giving him a blowie. She reacted to a sleazy and absolutely unfunny comment.

My friend has a partner like yours who thinks it makes him look good to say sexual innuendos at every given opportunity and the only people in the group who laugh are those that pity laugh.

You need to fix up your attitude love.

Well, there no way for me to actually have any kind of reasonable discussion on here clearly, as unless I 100% agree with you all and then eventually LTB you wont be happy will you?
There are a few people who have given reasonable balanced responses and I thank you for those.
Its just a shame that instead of talking through this i have been continuously attacked for feeling the way I do - regardless of who was at fault.
Its no wonder mumsnet gets bad press.

Thank you and goodnight you bunch of vultures.

Good Afternoon Imogen

I still do not understand why you think what she dd was wrong. As others have pointed you your group makes sexual comments out of non-sexual things. That is the standard of the group. Nothing wrong with that.Your husband makes a comment to her. I am not sure why, given how the group acts, she had to laugh if off. He made a direct comment to her she responded in kind.

Put it this was way. There is an employment appeal case involving an employee who complained about homophobic behavior in the work place He lost his complaint. Why? Because he happily joined in. The Judge said it must be a terrible place to work but you can not complain when you do not like something. rather like your group.

So let me get this straight.

• You have known this girl from she was 15 and you were in a leadership/mentor role, which to me would indicate you have had some level of responsibility towards her at some point
• She is now 19 so you've only known her 4 years, and for much of that time she was underage
• Your husband, who is fully aware of the nature of the friendship between you and this girl (ie: older person mentoring young teenager) then decides to make a crude, explicit and very sexual 'joke' at her expense.
• He is also aware that this friend is not used to socialising with this particular group
• He then claims that HE feels uncomfortable

I would be utterly, utterly horrified if my DH had done this. I think you are getting angry at the wrong person.

What would you have liked her to say or do when your partner made the oral sex comment?

What would the appropriate response in your opinion?

Stop with the namecalling, OP, you don't like it.

You're not being attacked for the way you feel, you're being derided for blaming your friend who was not at fault and ignoring all comers who are telling you that your partner was at fault here.

... an we are VIPERS, not vultures.

I don't think anyone has told you to LTB, OP. But you can continue sticking your fingers in your ears and insisting that the problem lies elsewhere, if that's what you want. I hope this young woman realises how hypocritical you are and how sleazy and creepy your DP is, and moves away from this friendship.

I suspect he said he felt uncomfortable because he knew you were going to make a fuss about it and hew anted you to be angry at her and not at him.

Savoy... this is what OP suggested would have been the appropriate response for her friend to make:

"... surely a more appropriate response would have been something like 'oral sex? I have no idea what your on about lol' not a blatant come on."

I'm going to stop using this smiley in this thread... it looks like I'm making an invitation to treat for blowjobs...

Another YABVU to add to the mountain pile. This is why most adults refrain from making too many jokes about sex. It can lead to upset and misunderstanding. The occasional joke is ok but for a group of people in their late 20's to make this type of joke 'all the time' is childish.

I met my DH when I was 18 and he has never, once made that type of joke in public. I would find it a bit pathetic to be honest. We are not prudes and enjoy close to the knuckle humour but there is a time and place.

Your friend did nothing wrong other than misjudge who her friends are. You and your DH did do something wrong if you believed his behaviour was ok.

she is not your weekends entertainment, I actually think both your treatment of her and your husbands actions towards her are quite abusive, along with the way you talk about her, given the disparity in ages

Your husband sounds like a dirty old man.

Your group sound like the lower fourth.

Hopefully she will realise what a bunch of tragic old sniggerers she's washed up with and find herself some nice mates of her own age.

In the meantime, tell your old man to watch his tongue around teenagers. The next one might take him properly to task about it.

Op, You really do have double standards! Why can't you see it?

& a bad influence..

Lol

What a crock of old SHIT

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe "I'm going to stop using this shock smiley in this thread... it looks like I'm making an invitation to treat for blowjobs..."

You mean you're not?

It's the same old

OP - AIBU?
99% of posters - YABU!
OP - no I'm not you mean and nasty vultures and flounces off in a huff

But OP, maybe you've been given something to think about.

Yabu as everyone else has said.

Your dh was wrong to make that comment and I think she was just giving as good as she got to be honest. He made her uncomfortable, she made him uncomfortable.

Either let it go completely or all start acting like adults.

"Thank you and goodnight you bunch of vultures."

Vipers, dahlink, vipers.

Good Evening Silver

You are so right about same old. On another thread the other day I was very polite and pleasant. Op just get attacking and it transpired that in fact she did not want to know anyone's opinion instead wanted to convince others not to use the company she was talking about. She also attacked those who pointed out that majority had said YABU but was not listening. The defense? The Op said thay 75% of people on AIBU think they are not so that makes it ok.

I find it sad but unsurprising given society today. I deal in employment issues. Even after people have had an independent hearing , even in front of judges) they still think they must be right and how everyone else must be wrong. In fact the normal reaction is that they must be biased and come with a judgement already in mind, just because they do not end agreeing the individual.

Im quite curious to know what reaction the girl got from the rest of the group? At what poimt did you realise you were uncomfortable with it?