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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be quite angry with my friend?

327 replies

Imogencodpiece · 26/01/2014 13:49

I feel that I might be being unreasonable but I just seem to be getting angrier the more I think about it.

I shall point out now said friend is 19 and recently single. We are all 27-30 sort of age range. I know said friend through a youth organisation of which I am the leader and she is a helper.

Usually said friend is more mature than most 19 year olds, didn't really drink and spent most of her time working, saving to travel to different places and studying for her university course. This is why I feel that we get on so well.
However since she has been single she has started to drink a lot and sleep around - basically a complete change in her personality.

A couple of weeks ago me, my friend and my DP all went out for a mutual friends birthday. Said friend is not usually out with us (as previously usually had plans with exbf) but was invited this time.
As usual the evening was full of silly jokes and making innuendos out of non-sexual things people said. All very normal for us :) so far so good.

Anyway, my DP is a lover of real ales and has been trying to find one I also like since we got together, so we are all round this table and friend asks if she could also try the beer as she has never tried ale.
DP says go ahead. Friend then (completely not realizing what she was doing I think) proceeded to hold her hair out of the way and drink from the glass still on the table.
I laughed and said, 'errr pick the glass up nutter' just making light of the silly way she chose to drink ( she was pretty drunk at the time). DP then said 'yeah pick the glass up, iv never seen anyone drink that way, iv seen people give ORAL SEX that way but not drink beer' Q good natured laughing from everyone within earshot, including me.

Then, this is what I am angry about, she immediately did exactly the same thing again. This time pointedly looking my DP in the eyes as she did it. DP tried to laugh it off but when we were on our own he asked me if I had noticed and said it made him feel uncomfortable.

The more I think about it the more pissed off I am.

Do you think I should say something? AIBU to be pissed at her?

I want to just leave it and put it down to her being young, naive and drunk and if it happens again, then have a word and tell her she is making a fool out of herself. WWYD?

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 26/01/2014 16:25

Sorry Amanda I misread apologies. I think the OPs double standards of behaviour are misigynistic. I agree the girl ran with his comment.

JanineStHubbins · 26/01/2014 16:26

Oh the irony. You complain about others saying your DP sounds like a twat, yet you call your friend a 'nutter' and say she's 'acting like a complete pillock'.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:27

Am I suggesting there are different standards of appropriateness for men and women? No. What gives you that impression?
As I said, if the op can accept her DP was joking she should give her friend the same credit.
But she ain't no child.

Bowlersarm · 26/01/2014 16:29

At 19, she is a very young inexperienced woman. The group she was with were a lot older than her.

WeAreDetective · 26/01/2014 16:29

I don't understand why her giving as good back as your DH gave out is wrong Confused

phantomnamechanger · 26/01/2014 16:29

OT, but I'm not sure either of you sound like great role models TBH, for the young people in your care. I'm not saying you should be prim and proper and have no fun, but getting pissed and sleeping around without protection is not the ideal role model/mentor for slightly younger teens is it? Nor is it appropriate for your own DH to be making crude jokes to a young woman who is only just out of your care as a minor.

deardarlingpleaaeexcusemywriti · 26/01/2014 16:30

So your DP makes inappropriate comments to vulnerable teenagers - but he only does it to humiliate them, not to flirt with them.

But you've started a thread to discuss the teenager's behaviour? Why? She's the least of your worries.

Also - she chooses to have unprotected sex with various men because she's gone through a hard time and your response is to slag her off on her e and call her stupid?

You say you're a youth leader but I'm not remotely impressed with your skills, attitude or lack of professionalism.

MostWicked · 26/01/2014 16:30

You basically don't approve of her choices.
If she wants to sleep around, then that is her choice.

There are some very blurred boundaries here between friend and leader and that means you do neither very well.

MrsDeVere · 26/01/2014 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage · 26/01/2014 16:31

Right.

So, what would you have liked her to say or do?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:31

I'm interested, OP, if you're prepared to answer this:

You mention that this girl has talked about her sexual behaviour, in great detail for you to know that she has unprotected sex, and that's it's highly inappropriate and that she should know better... Well, what sort of sexual 'innuendos' does your er... mature group banter about then? You said in your OP that you make them out of non-sexual things... Doesn't your group know any better? How was this girl supposed to 'fit in'?

Did you pick up your DP's behaviour after the pub or did he? See I'm wondering whether it was actually you; it's the sort of thing that a woman would pick up and discuss but a man (who had actually instigated the behaviour), not so much.

Kudos to you for coming back to your thread but you're not coming off very well because you're still blaming this girl when the culprit is closer to home.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 26/01/2014 16:31

You've got some shocking double standards there -ok for your husband to verbally bring oral sex into it, but not for her to respond to the comment continuing on the "joke".

To be honest you all sound like a bunch of idiots to me, but then I'm another 10 years older...I guess you are to me what she is to you!

And if you are friends with a 19 year old, how can you expect anything other than them to change, develop different aspects to their personality and move on from relationships. All sounds very healthy to me. Your husbands comment doesn't.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2014 16:32

I agree with those who say your DH was the one out of order by making the comment he did. Your friend just carried on the joke from there. If you don't approve of this then fair enough but your DH is the one to blame for starting it all off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/01/2014 16:34

Laughing at MrsDeVere's denouement... Agatha Christie films could be a heck of a lot shorter if you were Poirot! Grin

deardarlingpleaaeexcusemywriti · 26/01/2014 16:36

Just re-read your op and you said this happened "a couple of weeks ago" and in all that time it hasn't crossed your mind once that perhaps your DP did anything wrong to instigate the conversation?

So you've brooded and brooded over this scenario, and not once come to the conclusion that your DP was inappropriate? As posters have said upthread you are exhibiting double standards here.

I repeat, I wonder what kind of guidance you are able to offer young people if you've mulled over this situation and can only see the emale in it as being in the wrong.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 26/01/2014 16:36

And much as I hate the phrase, your husband needs to man up. Uncomfortable indeed! After he'd brought up oral sex with a 19 year old girl in a social setting. That must be one of the most trivial and ridiculous uses of the word "uncomfortable" I've heard.

honestpointofview · 26/01/2014 16:37

I don't think OP is coming back but OP if you are, as a older single man (40) a few comments from me.

  1. I agree with the other posters that YABVU. Double standards at is worst.
  2. The girl has done nothing wrong. Your husband started it and she was simply responding in kind.
  3. I seriously doubt your husband found it uncomfortable. Much more likely that he was worried that you would be annoyed with him so he deflected the matter.
  4. Even if he was uncomfortable, tough, he started it.
  5. Op/Pheasant - There is nothing wrong with someone single wanting to have some fun and a have a number of partners. Pheasant it most certainly does not mean a women is seeking make approval. I also do not understand why men can have fun with different people but a women can not.
honestpointofview · 26/01/2014 16:37

I don't think OP is coming back but OP if you are, as a older single man (40) a few comments from me.

  1. I agree with the other posters that YABVU. Double standards at is worst.
  2. The girl has done nothing wrong. Your husband started it and she was simply responding in kind.
  3. I seriously doubt your husband found it uncomfortable. Much more likely that he was worried that you would be annoyed with him so he deflected the matter.
  4. Even if he was uncomfortable, tough, he started it.
  5. Op/Pheasant - There is nothing wrong with someone single wanting to have some fun and a have a number of partners. Pheasant it most certainly does not mean a women is seeking make approval. I also do not understand why men can have fun with different people but a women can not.
HelloBoys · 26/01/2014 16:38

OP I wonder if you can recall when you were 19 and possibly immature? And your behaviour after a relationship went wrong?

I feel the greatest of pity for your friend being judged verbally by you and your crowd (you being also in a position with a duty of care), what she needs from you if anything is caring people, who she could maybe confide in.

Oh and yes. Your DP is a twat and was flirting with her.

basgetti · 26/01/2014 16:39

OP, are you one of those people that think women should laugh off sexual harassment with a smile, after all it's only banter? But if the woman responds in kind she is a slut? That is the message you are giving off, and if that is what you genuinely feel then you have no place working as any kind of role model for young teenagers.

Bahhhhhumbug · 26/01/2014 16:39

So you all set the bar , including bringing oral sex in to a conversation about how someone drinks their real ale Hmm This young girl then carries on the 'joke' and 'gives as good as she gets' no pun intended. Then you get all catsbum mouth at her.
You sound vile people btw.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 26/01/2014 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BrickorCleat · 26/01/2014 16:44

henriettapie Grin !!

NanaNina · 26/01/2014 16:47

and finally.............OP ...........when you're in a hole, stop digging!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 26/01/2014 16:48

To be clear, I think YAbu for being angry with your friend.
I think (reading between the lines) that you might feel a bit threatene by this woman because she is young.
I just don't Think it's fair or helpful to be so cross about the man's behaviour or to Rer to the friend as a girl.
As mrs devere said. Nothing actually happened.

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