to resist adding my child's father's name onto his birth certificate?

[stickystick]

Was with his father on and off for a year. To my huge shock I got pregnant at the age of 39 (!) despite using contraception and not having any desire for a baby. Decided after a lot of angst and indecision that I couldn't go through with an abortion and instead to continue the pregnancy. The father (to put it mildly) disagreed vehemently with this decision. He is financially comfortable but already has three teenage kids and an alcoholic ex-wife and was worried about the disruptive effect of another child on them. He tried very very hard to get me to have an termination, including promising me a " life of misery" if I didn't. Our relationship ended immediately, needless to say. He was very aggressive and unsupportive during the pregnancy (he was still going on about terminations when I was nearly six months along). We continued contact only to sort out what level of financial support he legally needed to contribute for his child, via the CSA and mediation with a family law barrister.
At one point, when he was being very hostile, I finally said, OK, you win. Let's agree that you don't have anything more to do with us once the baby is born - you don't have to see him, or even tell your family, and thus you can minimise the disruption to your life which you are so worried about. He didn't like that - he said that he didn't want anything to do with the baby now but he wanted to keep his options open just in case things changed in the future.

Needless to say, he didn't want to be there when the baby was born. Refused to let him have his surname (I had suggested the baby had both our names) because he said he had an unusual name and didn't want people knowing it was his son. Wouldn't come to his christening, and asked his own mother to turn down her invitation too. When our son was diagnosed with a serious condition and had to have brain surgery twice in his first six months of life, his father wouldn't come to any of his appointments or operations. Didn't see him at Christmas and has arranged to be elsewhere for his first birthday.

Despite all this though, I've continued to extend an olive branch. Since our son was born, I've regularly sent his father photos and kept him informed about his medical issues. He never rings to ask how his son is, or asks to see him, but every few weeks I offer him the opportunity to see him anyway (very low key), and about half the time he says yes. When he does see him now, usually for a couple of hours every three weeks, he is actually quite affectionate with him. His older sons have now met the baby twice, and his daughter a few times more. It is not the disruptive disaster that he forecast, partly because he was massively over dramatising, but also because the baby lives with me and he doesn't have to do any childcare or any organising of medical stuff or nursery.

The problem between us right now is about the baby's birth certificate. At the time he was registered, his father said he wanted to be named on the certificate because his lawyer had told him there was "no legal downside" - he still had financial responsibilities whether he was on it or not, but being on it would give him a say if he wanted one down the road. I was not very impressed with this reason at the time, not least because at the same time he also mentioned he didn't want the baby to have his surname on the birth certificate because he didn't want anyone to know it was his son (!) I also felt that if he wanted parental rights and responsibilities such as making joint decisions about his medical care, he actually needed to turn up to some scans and appointments. So I went ahead and registered him and left the father's name blank - although he registrar assured me that the father's name could be added very easily at any point in the future, if we both agreed.

I thought that my baby's father had forgotten about this, but a couple of months ago in our last mediation session, he unexpectedly added it to the agenda at the last moment. He said he wanted to be on his birth certificate and he wanted to know when I would add him on. The mediator asked me if I would be willing to do this. I said no, because I felt his reason wasn't good enough. My baby's father said he had better reasons now. The mediator asked what they were, and he replied that a) he didn't think it was very nice for our child to see that he had no named father on his birth certificate when he came to apply for a driving licence or passport. And b) he said that as he was paying £X in child support, it was his right to be on the birth certificate [legally this is not the case: in fact financial support and parental rights and responsibilities are usually strictly separated].

I said I still didn't think this was good enough. He thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

So does your mother not have a father or does she have one who is known to her and he's just not named?

As an interesting side note, you can have your fathers name added to your own certificate when your older even if your mother does not want you to,providing you can prove he's your father.

Her Mother claimed not to actually know. However, other people have told my Mother she did know but didn't want him to know she'd had a child. It's a more complicated story I accept, but the end result is the same. She looks at the certificate and feels embarrassed that there isn't a Father listed. She feels when people see it they judge her and judge her Mother. She has said in the past she feels people immediately think either her Father didn't want her or that her Mother was 'a certain type of woman'.

Now she is older so a lot those assumptions are based on her generation, as I said before, I'm in my 20's. Yet I just don't believe that just because someone says she shouldn't feel the way she does, her feelings should be dismissed. We should all accept that racism is wrong, but if someone experiences it they still have a right to feel the way they feel. Would you say to someone 'you are ridiculous to feel upset about it, it's so unimportant today'.

insanity why don't you get the lying cheating bastard who fathered my youngest to the registry office and get him to sign the damm birth certificate.

Can we stop saying rights of children please the birth certificate doesn't confer any rights to the child, they have them anyway.

Is it possible that the shame she feels comes from not knowing.

So a child who did know and who did have some form of relationship would not feel shame.

A lesbian couple can put both the biological mother's name and the partner's name on the birth certificate, which confers parental responsibility on both. A birth certificate is no longer a record of genetic history the way that it was historically, it's a registering of parental responsibility. Concern about the 'shame' of having a birth certificate without a father named on it is probably in the same league as seeing an unmarried couple as 'living in sin'. That shame worry comes from the old history of seeing a child born out of wedlock as having something to be ashamed of, and now is a point of view that most people would think of as ridiculous and unacceptable for the last thirty plus years.

A man who currently has taken no part in the significant events of his child's life nor wishes to, but 'might want a say (control) in the future' would seem to be thinking after his own interests as many other posters have pointed out, rather than the interests of his child. Whether it's nice for the OPs DS's great grandchildren to have the father's name on his birth certificate when researching their family history might not be her first concern at the moment.

As far as I can see from the OP she isn't saying this is permanently out of the question, she's saying she wants to see evidence first of him taking a meaningful parental role in his son's life. That seems a perfectly reasonable expectation. YANBU.

I don't think a mother that wasn't ever told the truth about her father and an adopted child has any bearing on the Op's case. Of course both of circumstances would issues around their parentage where a birth certificate or DNA test would have been an advantage.

In the Op's case the father is known and acknowledged.

He wasn't there to registrar the birth so he now he has a made it more complicated. It's either up to him to go through the courts or up to the child to add him later. It's not the Op's job to sort it out for him IMO he can man up and sort it himself.

There are no issues for the child as passports and driving licenses are easy to obtain without a named father on a birth certificate (mine has the short certificate that has bugger all on it anyway) and the father has agreed that he is the father. Why would a child who's father is (vaguely) around be crying over a piece of paper that changes nothing for them only the fathers rights/responsibilities which he may or may not be bothered with regardless?

This thread had me thinking. If a father died interstate and was not named on the birth certificate, would the child have any inheritance rights?

I'm sure as a minimum it would make things a lot more complicated, which seems reason enough to put the father's name on the birth certificate.

splash yes an unnamed child would have rights of inheritance in the event of the fathers death. It is still possible to prove via dna in those circumstances

Superscrimper don't you think anyone who makes your mother feel that way is just pig ignorant? You can't compare it to racism. Is anyone ashamed of not being white? It's the racist person or the person who is judging your mother who has the problem.

And to be honest you post a lot about this. Times have changed. I'm not sure why you feel the need to keep bringing this up for posters in a situation now . It's almost as if you want others to feel bad. The OP announced the birth in The Times. That's telling me the OP is not someone who would give the time of day to anyone who thought less of her or her child because of this.

Someone mentioned not being able to do a family tree. What utter tosh. We all have 2 parents, 4gps, 8ggps,16gggps etc etc. A family tree isn't telling you anything as they pick 1 line and ignore 100s,1000s even of as close relatives. You can use a matrilineal line equally as well as a patrilineal.

splash ffs . Scots law abolished the legal concept of illegitimacy. A child is the child of its partners and all have the same rights. The bloody birth certificate is irrelevant.

Id be very surprised if English law was different (I imagine it would be non European rights compliant if it were)

Splash was only asking.

Sorry, but all of you who are saying a child might feel shame if your child is say of African American origin and someone called them a nigger you would tell that person to fuck off and die. You would tell your child such a person is the scum of the earth.

I am certain if someone called the OPs child a bastard she would do exactly the same.

I don't think I know a single person who would give a flying fuck about this in their dealings with any one.

And can we please stop with all the rubbish about legal issues. Unless you are looking to inherit a peerage UK law makes no distinctions.

Can anyone tell me any real advantage to a child that having the father named on the birth certificate confers.

Caitlin I think you need to calm down.

I am thinking of the practical aspect in such a situation. Without a birth certificate it could be hard to prove parentage.

splash possibly it's because I know the law on this and I'm seeing stuff on here which would be more appropriate in a novel by Dickens or Wikie Collins than Britain in the 21st century.

If he goes on the birth certificate he gets PR. Which means he can cause all sorts of mischief just because he wants to. There are threads on here about the trouble vindictive fathers can cause. I also know someone who can't take her son on holiday as he won't let the child leave the country (she had refused to let him take him to Iran after he threatened not to bring him back). Where both parents have the child's best interests at heart -as they should it's a no brainer. But on the representation here.....

jacks365 none.

Gosh sorry Caitlin, I didn't really you were keeping tabs on what I posted about. Heaven forbid I post my experiences on an open forum about an issue which has actually had a massive impact on my life.

You have no idea how other people feel.

Afaik my dad isn't on my birth certificate as they weren't married when I was registered and he was in hospital when it was done. Doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Caitlin I think you are missing the point entirely.

This is nothing to do with illegitimacy.

An actually yes I do know people who have felt shame about not being White. A member of my husbands family went to the trouble of changing his name specifically to hide the fact he had a non White parent.

So actually, yes, some thing bother other people. Not everyone feels exactly the same about everything. People have complex feelings that are not always as clear cut as you want.