to resist adding my child's father's name onto his birth certificate?

[stickystick]

Was with his father on and off for a year. To my huge shock I got pregnant at the age of 39 (!) despite using contraception and not having any desire for a baby. Decided after a lot of angst and indecision that I couldn't go through with an abortion and instead to continue the pregnancy. The father (to put it mildly) disagreed vehemently with this decision. He is financially comfortable but already has three teenage kids and an alcoholic ex-wife and was worried about the disruptive effect of another child on them. He tried very very hard to get me to have an termination, including promising me a " life of misery" if I didn't. Our relationship ended immediately, needless to say. He was very aggressive and unsupportive during the pregnancy (he was still going on about terminations when I was nearly six months along). We continued contact only to sort out what level of financial support he legally needed to contribute for his child, via the CSA and mediation with a family law barrister.
At one point, when he was being very hostile, I finally said, OK, you win. Let's agree that you don't have anything more to do with us once the baby is born - you don't have to see him, or even tell your family, and thus you can minimise the disruption to your life which you are so worried about. He didn't like that - he said that he didn't want anything to do with the baby now but he wanted to keep his options open just in case things changed in the future.

Needless to say, he didn't want to be there when the baby was born. Refused to let him have his surname (I had suggested the baby had both our names) because he said he had an unusual name and didn't want people knowing it was his son. Wouldn't come to his christening, and asked his own mother to turn down her invitation too. When our son was diagnosed with a serious condition and had to have brain surgery twice in his first six months of life, his father wouldn't come to any of his appointments or operations. Didn't see him at Christmas and has arranged to be elsewhere for his first birthday.

Despite all this though, I've continued to extend an olive branch. Since our son was born, I've regularly sent his father photos and kept him informed about his medical issues. He never rings to ask how his son is, or asks to see him, but every few weeks I offer him the opportunity to see him anyway (very low key), and about half the time he says yes. When he does see him now, usually for a couple of hours every three weeks, he is actually quite affectionate with him. His older sons have now met the baby twice, and his daughter a few times more. It is not the disruptive disaster that he forecast, partly because he was massively over dramatising, but also because the baby lives with me and he doesn't have to do any childcare or any organising of medical stuff or nursery.

The problem between us right now is about the baby's birth certificate. At the time he was registered, his father said he wanted to be named on the certificate because his lawyer had told him there was "no legal downside" - he still had financial responsibilities whether he was on it or not, but being on it would give him a say if he wanted one down the road. I was not very impressed with this reason at the time, not least because at the same time he also mentioned he didn't want the baby to have his surname on the birth certificate because he didn't want anyone to know it was his son (!) I also felt that if he wanted parental rights and responsibilities such as making joint decisions about his medical care, he actually needed to turn up to some scans and appointments. So I went ahead and registered him and left the father's name blank - although he registrar assured me that the father's name could be added very easily at any point in the future, if we both agreed.

I thought that my baby's father had forgotten about this, but a couple of months ago in our last mediation session, he unexpectedly added it to the agenda at the last moment. He said he wanted to be on his birth certificate and he wanted to know when I would add him on. The mediator asked me if I would be willing to do this. I said no, because I felt his reason wasn't good enough. My baby's father said he had better reasons now. The mediator asked what they were, and he replied that a) he didn't think it was very nice for our child to see that he had no named father on his birth certificate when he came to apply for a driving licence or passport. And b) he said that as he was paying £X in child support, it was his right to be on the birth certificate [legally this is not the case: in fact financial support and parental rights and responsibilities are usually strictly separated].

I said I still didn't think this was good enough. He thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?

that sounds like a good suggestion!

inisglas, I don;t think any posters are defending his shitty behaviour but this could be an area to for OP pick her battles.

obtaining PR via a court is not a total slam dunk

No it isn't a total slam dunk but pretty close. In most cases it will be considered to be in the child's best interests for both parents to have PR. Whilst it is not totally unheard of it is rare for the courts to refuse to make a PR Order in favour of the biological father.

He certainly isn't a great Dad and I am not on of those people who think Dad's should automatically go on birth certificate...

Other than you don't think he has earned the right, I am not sure what your concern is?

You wanted double barrel surname..Spent a lot of time and effort encouraging contact ..If he only sees DC every 3 weeks doesn't seem that interested in flexing PR...

Right to go on birth certificate isn't something he needs to earn.....

I can completely understand your anger towards this man just not why you wont put him on birth certificate... If he is checking out his legal position on everything he can override you for PR quite easily through the courts

Perhaps I have a very biased experience (very very likely). But I've always found the courts very fair,it's been ordered when it should have been and not when it would be damaging to the child.

Granted its not something that is one of the more common situations my service users have so you probably see far more than I ever will.

Also please note that I've been very clear that I think this op is bu and that he would find it quite easy to legally challenge her.

I think I would let him take you to court for it.

PR is about responsibility for the child. Too often it is interpreted as parental rights. Until an understanding of that is demonstrated no one has any business calling themselves a parent IMO, even if they are a biological contributor to that child's existence.

A father who has never lived with his child and has never bothered to take up contact despite encouragement for more than a few hours every month and is now talking about his rights to "have a say" is someone to be very wary of IMO. This is much more about him stamping his control on the situation than it is about wanting a meaningful relationship with his child. If he wanted that the simplest way to achieve it would be to have contact much more regularly, something which the OP has been encouraging and yet has not had much response from.

Of course, I could be wrong and he could have turned over a new leaf. In which case he will pursue the matter himself. I'm sure if that were to happen the OP would feel much happier about adding her child's biological father to the birth certificate.

I can see why you feel this way. He seems so keen on asserting his parental rights and yet is so lax on shouldering any of the responsibilities, other than doling out the cash. It is also seems very distasteful that he can buy his way into the title of Father.

If he did more in the way of taking responsibility, would you feel differently about it?

OP here.
Never seen a thread where opinion has been so divided (maybe I don't frequent these parts often enough...).

I don't think there is any question of withholding his father's identity (although I offered that to his father as an option at one point). Of course my son will know who his father is. My reluctance to name him on the birth certificate is because of the legal rights and responsibilities that it confers on his father. I am worried because, as thequibbler and flyingspaghettimonster suggest, he has not yet proved himself either capable or willing to take sensible decisions in the baby's best interests. His sole pieces of input to the way the baby's upbringing so far are a) I don't make his milk hot enough and b) I shouldn't talk to him so much.

Humpyrumpy I think the bigger issue when my son is 18 is not going to be whose name is not on a dusty bit of paper down the back of the sideboard, it's who turned up on the previous 17 birthdays, who looked after him when he was sick, who was there at his parents' evenings & school plays, etc etc.

Yes thedoctrineofsnatch I am aware that he could take me to court to put himself on the birth certificate. But he hasn't done that, and am 99% sure he won't do it - it is a boring process, he does not like courts or lawyers, and actually he can't be bothered.

Yes, caitlin17 you're dead right, I left it blank. It does not say unknown or anything else. It is also not a binding choice. It can be filled in with the baby's biological father's name or anyone else's name at a later date - eg a loving and supportive stepfather (although as above the baby's biological father could take me to court about it if he could be bothered). Once upon a long time there was stigma attached to these sorts of things, but not any more. Actually I vaguely remember when a journalist pointed out that Ed Miliband's partner-now-wife never put him down as the father on their children's birth certificates. Noone was really that bothered, everyone knew who the father was, it just wasn't an issue.

The money thing is a red herring, IMO. He contributes the minimum the CSA requires, which isn't even half of childcare while I work & other costs. Waffilyversatile, my goal is to get to a position, if I possibly can, of not needing to take a penny from him. Interestingly I said this in mediation and to my surprise the mediator got very hot under the collar, said that the courts would take a dim view of getting financial support and PR mixed up, and that I should both ask for and take what was legally required in child support. Misspryde yes, in the UK it seems you are legally financially responsible for your biological children whether or not you are on the birth certificate, which is not the case in the US.

Finally, hippo123 I ask myself that exact same question regularly. I guess I still hold out some hope that he might come round and be a positive responsible person in his son's life. His son is an incredibly friendly, contented, easygoing baby who has been very brave through all his surgery and other medical issues and it is hard to resist his magic. However having said that, while I think in an ideal world children should have both parents around being positive and responsible etc etc, I also think that ultimately no dad is better than crap dad.

I do think you should add him purely because it's a legal/historical document and thems is the facts, so they should be recorded us such. He's the father and acknowledged as. I don't see it being any different to date or place of birth- it's just a historical fact of the birth and should be recorded. I don't really understand why it's optional.

He sounds like an arse though.

as whatsomedizzywhore said, just put it there because it is the truth - your son deserves more than a blank space on his birth cert.

Do not put him on he certificate unless you want him to have the rights of a arrived an. You're in a stronger place if you don't

he does not have 'rights' he has 'responsibilities' - it the child who has rights and one of those IMO is to have the name of his father on his birth lines.

Mrs Mook sums it up brilliantly

I don't see how it would benefit the child. To those saying the child 'deserves' more, WTF?! It's not a bad thing that has happened for the child here - as far as he is concerned, of he knows who the father is, the birth certificate being blank is a neutral thing.

OP again
Oh hell...I replied before I noticed there were another three pages of posts!

To all the people, many of whom clearly know their legal onions, who have pointed out my baby's father can go to court to try to get onto the birth certificate - yes, am aware - but think likelihood of this happening is very very low. What I think is more likely is that he might just withhold or delay child support unless I put him on. This is possible because he is self employed and the CSA therefore does not deduct the payment from PAYE. Then the onus would be on me to do the legwork/CSA/court hoo ha. Which would be super stressful and take ages, as he knows all too well.

dahlen you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. This is absolutely about wanting to reassert control over a situation which he did not (post conception) have much say over. I do have sympathy with him on that score, because when it comes to disagreement over termination/no termination there isn't really any room for a middle ground. (Actually, at one very low point while pregnant I did offer to have the baby adopted but he said no to that too, only termination would do). I absolutely believe I was right not to terminate, but I also see how upset he was that it wasn't his decision.

mellicaulli yes. I am not ruling out ever putting him on the birth certificate, I just think he has not behaved like a parent yet. What's worse is that I know he is capable of behaving like a parent if he wants to, because he is a dedicated parent to his other three children. I won't go into all the details here but I have offered him countless opportunities to be there for his son when the chips were down, and he has refused them all.

Yanbu, don't do it! He wants to be on the birth certificate as he 'might want a say later on' unbelievable! YOU are raising your child and have been doing so since he was born. Why should this man have equal parental rights with you when he doesn't want equal responsibility? Adding his name could cause you untold issues later on, he doesn't deserve it. Don't bow to the pressure, your son won't care and if he asks you can explain it to him. You are the parent he can rely on and your name is on the birth certificate, that is all that matters.

All the rights

None of the responsibility

Don't do it (by the way - can he, and if so would he, try to enforce the addition of his name legally? What factors would be considered in deciding this in court, if any?)

Oh sorry, x posts. I suspected he might not want to bother if you just said no.

I'd back off entirely and stop inviting him, also - stop doing anything. See what happens then.

I bet he stops bothering very much at all.

Can you in fact manage without the money? If he stops paying it.

Have you got a will with clear direction as to what happens to Ds?

YWBU to continue to "extend olive branches" to a massive cunt. He should never have been pushed to be in your child's life. He won't improve it in anyway and your child will have to deal with him now. He sounds like a horrible man.

Don't add him, don;t speak to him. Stay the fuck away

YANBU.

Don't do it.

I think you are actually very clear in reasons not to. Don't get drawn into a discussion over this, you don't need to. Just shrug at him and tell him to sort it out himself if he wishes to. I bet my left tit that if you tell him you have no objections to him sorting it out then it would never get done!

Sorry... I think you are actually very clear in reasons not to means I think you KNOW you don't need to and shouldn't.

I think you should add the name. The birth certificate is a statement of fact. His demanding to be on there and your denying it just sounds like a rather petty power game which I would avoid getting into IMHO.

I don't think he sounds horrible or a cunt or whatever other posters have suggested. He sounds like someone who really did not want another child and had his arm forced. But he pays maintenance and there are other signs to suggest that he may well be mellowing. You only have to read the relationships board to know there are worse fathers out there.

It's NOT just a statement of fact, it is a tool to confer legal rights which can have a big impact on your lives especially where conflict already exists.

That is why it has to be treated with caution. It is naive to be so black and white about it. This man wants no responsibility. He just wants power. It's a win win for him if you add his name.

And a lose-lose for you.