Was with his father on and off for a year. To my huge shock I got pregnant at the age of 39 (!) despite using contraception and not having any desire for a baby. Decided after a lot of angst and indecision that I couldn't go through with an abortion and instead to continue the pregnancy. The father (to put it mildly) disagreed vehemently with this decision. He is financially comfortable but already has three teenage kids and an alcoholic ex-wife and was worried about the disruptive effect of another child on them. He tried very very hard to get me to have an termination, including promising me a " life of misery" if I didn't. Our relationship ended immediately, needless to say. He was very aggressive and unsupportive during the pregnancy (he was still going on about terminations when I was nearly six months along). We continued contact only to sort out what level of financial support he legally needed to contribute for his child, via the CSA and mediation with a family law barrister.
At one point, when he was being very hostile, I finally said, OK, you win. Let's agree that you don't have anything more to do with us once the baby is born - you don't have to see him, or even tell your family, and thus you can minimise the disruption to your life which you are so worried about. He didn't like that - he said that he didn't want anything to do with the baby now but he wanted to keep his options open just in case things changed in the future.
Needless to say, he didn't want to be there when the baby was born. Refused to let him have his surname (I had suggested the baby had both our names) because he said he had an unusual name and didn't want people knowing it was his son. Wouldn't come to his christening, and asked his own mother to turn down her invitation too. When our son was diagnosed with a serious condition and had to have brain surgery twice in his first six months of life, his father wouldn't come to any of his appointments or operations. Didn't see him at Christmas and has arranged to be elsewhere for his first birthday.
Despite all this though, I've continued to extend an olive branch. Since our son was born, I've regularly sent his father photos and kept him informed about his medical issues. He never rings to ask how his son is, or asks to see him, but every few weeks I offer him the opportunity to see him anyway (very low key), and about half the time he says yes. When he does see him now, usually for a couple of hours every three weeks, he is actually quite affectionate with him. His older sons have now met the baby twice, and his daughter a few times more. It is not the disruptive disaster that he forecast, partly because he was massively over dramatising, but also because the baby lives with me and he doesn't have to do any childcare or any organising of medical stuff or nursery.
The problem between us right now is about the baby's birth certificate. At the time he was registered, his father said he wanted to be named on the certificate because his lawyer had told him there was "no legal downside" - he still had financial responsibilities whether he was on it or not, but being on it would give him a say if he wanted one down the road. I was not very impressed with this reason at the time, not least because at the same time he also mentioned he didn't want the baby to have his surname on the birth certificate because he didn't want anyone to know it was his son (!) I also felt that if he wanted parental rights and responsibilities such as making joint decisions about his medical care, he actually needed to turn up to some scans and appointments. So I went ahead and registered him and left the father's name blank - although he registrar assured me that the father's name could be added very easily at any point in the future, if we both agreed.
I thought that my baby's father had forgotten about this, but a couple of months ago in our last mediation session, he unexpectedly added it to the agenda at the last moment. He said he wanted to be on his birth certificate and he wanted to know when I would add him on. The mediator asked me if I would be willing to do this. I said no, because I felt his reason wasn't good enough. My baby's father said he had better reasons now. The mediator asked what they were, and he replied that a) he didn't think it was very nice for our child to see that he had no named father on his birth certificate when he came to apply for a driving licence or passport. And b) he said that as he was paying £X in child support, it was his right to be on the birth certificate [legally this is not the case: in fact financial support and parental rights and responsibilities are usually strictly separated].
I said I still didn't think this was good enough. He thinks I am being unreasonable. Am I?