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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To even consider taking my DD in the future to grandparents house who smoke??

55 replies

Newmummee · 23/01/2014 08:57

Ok so obviously not while she is so young (DD is 8 weeks almost) but my partner says I can never take her to my mum and dad's house as they both smoke there. I am an ex smoker and my partner smokes so it's never bothered us going there before, also when they have has visitors like family who do not smoke then they air out the house and don't smoke inside for that duration and a while before, I felt that the house did not smell smoky on those occasions. I put to you MN, is it bad to be in that environment? Anyone in similar situation? I would like to visit my parents but I would never harm my daughter!

OP posts:
KippyVonKipperson · 23/01/2014 09:01

It's not ideal but it wouldn't stop me taking her there, esp as they air out the house. Do they smoke in the house? Perhaps they might be open to smoking only outside?

What I don't get though is that your partner smokes? Why does it bother him so much if he smokes himself? Surely your own house must be just as smokey?

WeddingComingUp · 23/01/2014 09:02

My mum and dad smoke inside their house.

I never just descend on them, always give them notice that we're coming over. They then open doors and windows to air out the house and won't smoke indoors whilst we're there.

I took both of the dc there from when they were newborn. It would be mean never to visit.

Original poster
Newmummee · 23/01/2014 09:03

Hey sorry he smokes only 3 - 5 a day and he goes outside and he wears only outside smoking clothes so he doesn't smell when he comes in. He is very anxious about her health, in fact he does have general anxiety

OP posts:
WeddingComingUp · 23/01/2014 09:03

Surely your own house must be just as smokey?

Why would it be? I'm assuming her DH smokes outside.

KiwiBanana · 23/01/2014 09:05

Well I wouldn't do it, but I'm not you. If you feel comfortable with it then go for it.

KippyVonKipperson · 23/01/2014 09:09

Ah ok, that makes sense, especially as he wears other clothes when he smokes. Have you talked to your parents at all? What do they think? 8 weeks is still very young, but as the baby grows and seems more robust then surely he will change his attitude.

formerbabe · 23/01/2014 09:09

I would go over and I am really anti smoking, but I speak as a child from the 80s who grew up in a chain smoking house!

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2014 09:11

I wouldn't. I made the mistake of doing that from even my dd was little. I didn't want to be the bitch who wouldn't take their dgd to see them and mil had offered paid mind to look after dd while I was working.

I don't take either dd round their now. No way. Dd1s asthma is improving and I won't risk it getting bad again.

Original poster
Newmummee · 23/01/2014 09:13

My parents understand but they are proper smokers and the type I can see that will never give up......
It would be nice to go there, maybe once she's over a certain age???

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 23/01/2014 09:15

So he fully changes his clothes to go outside and have a cig then changes back when he comes in? Seriously?

Sorry I digress, would he feel the same way if it were his own parents?

Original poster
Newmummee · 23/01/2014 09:16

giles I'm sorry to hear that your child has asthma, can you elaborate, did they develop asthma after the visits or the visits made it serious?

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmummee · 23/01/2014 09:18

Yes sock he does, that's nothing for someone with anxiety and ocd though!
He wouldn't visit his parents if it were them, I know this for sure

OP posts:
Notaddictedtosugar · 23/01/2014 09:22

Does he know that the smoke will be on his breath when he comes in? He is more likely to be causing harm than your parents as he is with the baby every day. I wouldn't think it was a major problem as long as they don't smoke inside while you are there.

zzzzz · 23/01/2014 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/01/2014 09:22

If they're not smoking while you're there then of course it's perfectly fine. It would be totally unreasonable not to go. What about car fumes walking along the road?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 23/01/2014 09:24

By the way, my parents always smoked, I spent a lot of time with them, I just kept babies in the other room, that's all! No asthma or lung probs.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/01/2014 09:25

It runs in the family so all likely good she would have had it anyway. But I don't think it helped.

It's a hard position to be in tbh. They loved her and enjoyed seeing her and I couldn't afford a child minder and do had just started a new job so was still pretty low down and living just off his wage wasn't an option not that I took any home after paying her.

I assumed wrongly that it would be common sense not to smoke around her but she's very much the "never harmed mine" cliche MIL.

I got dp to ask her to go outside. She would do it and them slip back and we would ask again etc.

As soon as it was possible i kept the hours she spent there at a minimum before keeping her home for good once I was on maternity leave.

Our relationshipis pretty strained now tbh. As I refused to take a newborn poorly dd2 round there. She's three now and still hasn't been but she's asthma free despite being high risk due to bronchiolitis as a baby and allergy genes in family.

Don't risk it. So not worth it.

StupidFlanders · 23/01/2014 09:26

Your dh smokes but won't allow you to visit your parents? Sounds odd to me.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/01/2014 09:27

If he's that concerned he needs to either stop smoking or avoid being near your daughter after he has smoked because at the moment he is being a massive hypocrite

Also it is not for your partner to tell you you can never visit your parents, that is not his decision alone to make

Damnautocorrect · 23/01/2014 09:29

My parents house is a yellow nicotine stained house and I take my ds over, she smokes outside when he's there.
You have to weigh up the pros and cons for you. For me the good outweighs the bad.

MrsBungle · 23/01/2014 09:32

I take my kids to fil's house and he smokes. He diesbt smoke inside when they are there. I wouldn't not visit someone because they smoke. My kids aren't exposed to it anywhere else so I doubt the odd visit to his house will do any harm. I grew up in a house where you could see the clouds of smoke!

TaraLott · 23/01/2014 09:37

Yes I would visit them, but your DP needs to sort out his issues, sounds like a complete hypocrite, are your parents 'allowed' to visit you?

TaraLott · 23/01/2014 09:40

Frankly, I'd think that pushing her down a busy road in her pushchair would be worse than visiting an aired house where no one is smoking indoors while you are visiting.

notso · 23/01/2014 09:42

It wouldn't cross my mind not to visit my parents, and it wouldn't cross my Dads mind to smoke around my DC.
My Mum doesn't smoke so Dad only smokes in the kitchen under the extractor fan if it's the two of them and outside when they have guests. He only smokes in his work clothes too really, once he gets changed he stops.
If I was visiting for hours everyday I might think differently but it's a couple of times a month if that, he rarely smokes if he comes here.

HaroldLloyd · 23/01/2014 09:43

I would go provided they didn't smoke when I was there and opened a window for a bit if the house was a bit smelly.