AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

tinker the current charmer isn't supporting his own children either. SO he can't really rid around on his horse. And he should be upset that he will be ruining the op's chance of getting any gov help since her first husband cana't be arsed to provide

on his high horse!

Sorry I was thinking about this situation while I was away from the computer and now I've come back and read the OP over again

*We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.*

So, DH is now parting which quite a bit more money for living expenses than he was spending when living with his parents, but he still ends up with £1,000 spare disposable income?

That is right isn't it?

And yet he doesn't have any savings?
He doesn't even have any money to start proceedings so he can see his blood children again?

I've read all the hoo hah about his ex wanting money off him for them and then not wanting money, but I find it hard to understand why he wasn't putting the money by into an account for their future, even if it was years down the line when he could say to them that although he hadn't been part of their lives he was always thinking of them and saving for them.

He doesn't seem either very willing, or able, to stand up to his adult responsibilities. The new jumper, gym membership and haircut comments indicate he's still immature in his ideas of how life works.

"Then he sat there telling me he had seen a jumper he was going to buy, and spend £100 on gym membership and he left work early to get his haircut etc, etc my heart stopped bleeding! I then thought before marriage, he has had plenty of opportunity to save money, why didn't he."

Have you actually discussed this with him? If he wants every spare penny to be put towards legal costs to the point where he is criticising you for using petrol in order to buy food then he shouldn't be having any luxuries, and this needs to be pointed out to him. And have you ever asked him why he hasn't saved any money before now?

Does your H recognise that his upbringing was completely dysfunctional? Or does he think it's a good way to raise a family?

I have skim read the thread so I haven't read everything, but have you discussed having more children? If so, what does he expect to happen when you are on maternity leave and have very little-to-no income? What would happen if one day you became ill and were unable to work?

I can't comprehend anyone being in a marriage and having such a "what's mine is mine" mentality. You have a long battle ahead of you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

my husband tried to say he worked therefore he had more of the money for hobbies so i worked it out if we split everything except personal bills (he has a car i dont) then he owes me £40/50 pounds a month he said fine so thats the money i use in fuel taking you shopping i told him i could dot com or walk and he would still owe me money he rapidly decided he was joking and has never mentioned it again and i saved up and bought him a second hand x-box instead of the new one he wanted but he was happy with it anyway its all about compromise and respect if you dont have that you dont have anything (i should point out DH discussed this with me in his joky voice that he uses when he wants something expensive and he would like me to run the numbers to see what we can afford we didnt argue about it)

Well guys it came to a head last night. My dad was taken ill and rushed to hospital via ambulance. I missed the call and I have the house phone set to incoming calls only, (to save money) so could only see the number which called. It was my mum's mobile and I knew something wasn't right, as my mum usually goes to bed very early and never calls in the evening or uses her mobile.

I asked if I could use his mobile to return the call, as he has FREE calls and he said NO!

It was no big deal as I used my mobile to return the call and then found out about my dad.

But you cannot get more begrudging that denying someone a FREE call, especially after being told something isn't right for my my mum to call at this time etc.

I literally hit the roof, luckily kids were in bed. I phoned my cousin to watch the kids, so I could go to hospital and told him to leave. He refused until my cousin got here (who happens to be a 6 foot man) and was 'escorted' out. I had to leave him packing his stuff, so I could get to hospital.

When I got back from hospital, he had taken the Christmas present he gave me. I also had some nasty message on my phone telling me 'I disgust him'

Regardless of his childhood or not that is just unforgivable.

Wow, what a horrible, petty man. You are well rid of him. What kind of despicable person denies someone a phone call in that kind of situation???? You are absolutely right - regardless of his childhood issues, that is unforgiveable and shows his true colours more clearly than anything else you have posted about him.

I'm sorry, but better sorted now than further down the line. That is unforgivable, he just can't work as a team or as a family.

Sugar and to text me that I 'disgust him' while knowing I am at the hospital with my dad in intensive care.

It makes me cringe that I married him.

I'm afraid you will just have to chalk the marriage up to bad experience and move on... you are definitely doing the right thing. And I rarely suggest the LTB approach.

Contact any relevant authorities like tax credits, hb etc asap.
Contact the local registrar and discuss an annulment as financial abuse could be a consideration depending on the Judge.

I hope your dad is Ok.

You've done the right thing, OP.

What a git he sounds. Hope your Dad is ok.

hadenough you are a brave and very sensible women.

I think it does happen (with bother the man or women) that they think getting married or moving in means the relationship changes and they have a 'role' they think they should play rather than a contiuation of the 'nice' relationship building beforehand. I do think (from reading threads in here) some are calculating. I am sorry this has happended to you as you sound like you have your head screwed on and immediately saw red flags. I am pleased he has left.

I once stopped dating a man who said he didnt see his kids much as I thought it wasnt right - you have to wonder why?

I hope your Dad is stable and recovering.

Thanks I could see this coming, I just wasn't expecting it to be so soon, after giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I am off to the hospital again now, I am shaking and the worse part I have to keep my wedding ring on as this is obviously not a subject I want to raise with mum today.

OMG - I was shocked at his behaviour about splitting the bills but he has really gone too far this time. OP, do not listen to his excuses or petty attempts at using his childhood to explain his behaviour. Change the locks and get some legal advice.

A family crisis is always a good test for a faltering relationship. This has shown rather beautifully the total contempt in which he holds your family. What an odorous arsehole he really is.

Do not take him back once he realises his new living situation is worse than his old. You deserve to find someone who really loves you and your children and I don't believe he takes the shape of this man.

Hope your Dad gets better soon.
I can't believe how nasty your H is!

Yes Impatient, the locks hadn't occurred to me. I am finding it hard to be practical, I am feeling very emotional at the moment what with my dad and then this. I have blocked his number on my phone and that is it so far.

I will write myself a list later this evening. I will be fine, I have my kids to keep me strong.

If you are in a joint tenancy agreement with your husband in a rented property then I don't think there is anything you can do unfortunately. You certainly aren't allowed to change the locks without permission of the landlord and if his name is on the rental contract he has a right to live in the property.

Sorry if I've missed this, but how long had you known him before you got married?
(and I hope your dad makes a good recovery)

I really cannot get over how nasty he has been, quite a shock for someone you think you know to stoop so low.

I must go, thank you all for listening and wishing my dad well.

its ok to be shaking and emotional you have had one unforntunate shock about your dad and another nasty one about that H. Just roll with it.

Yes please get locks. If he is nasty about that before he left he might get nasty again.

Hope your dad is ok OP.

Oh no, what a way to comfirm he is a dick! I would allow a stranger in the street to make a free call from my phone!

So sorry you are going through this, but it sounds like you have a good strong fsmily network for support.

I hope your Dad makes a speedy and full recovery.

I hope your dad is okay.

But I think you might be overreacting slightly. He didn't deny you use of a phone in an emergency. You just had to use your own phone. He is being mean and trying to hurt you because you got your cousin to throw him out.

It might be that he can't change. But it doesn't seem fair to any of you to make the decision based on one more instance of something he has already recognised is a problem.

I think the examples the OP has quoted show a personality I wouldn't share house-room with.