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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
CrestaRun · 25/01/2014 12:19

Overreacting?! Blimey cornflakegirl, I don't think she's overreacting at all. If she can't rely on his support in such a stressful situation thrn she's well rid.

Jeez, I'd probably let a stranger use my phone in such an emergency even if it wasn't a free call! How bloody callous is he?

CrestaRun · 25/01/2014 12:21

Actually, it wouldn't surprise me to hear he had refused to let her use the car to get to the hospital, he's such an arse.

eddielizzard · 25/01/2014 12:30

wow. hugs hadenough8. you poor thing. hope your dad gets better soon.

in a crisis people show their true colours. awful for you, but at least it's happened sooner rather than later. what a shock.

itsbetterthanabox · 25/01/2014 12:44

Ltb
He does not care about you or your children. He is simply interested in himself.
Any normal person would want to do what you initially suggested and pay for everything in the household together, pooling the money and then split the money for your personal spending. If he is willing to see you and your children struggle while he has loads of spare money for fun stuff each month then he does not care about you.

OddFodd · 25/01/2014 12:53

So sorry about your dad. Hope he makes a swift recovery. Your husband is even more of a git that I first gave him credit for. What a vile excuse for a human being

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2014 12:59

I'm quite glad he's shown his true colours so soon. I worried that the 'childhood trauma' line might make you stay out of out guilt, but yes, he is definitely a total dick.

I hope your dad is OK. Flowers

jay55 · 25/01/2014 13:01

Wow.

Hope you Dad recovers quickly.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 25/01/2014 13:17

You can change the locks if renting - just need to replace the originals before you leave. However, not sure how you stand if both your names are on the paperwork...

Quinteszilla · 25/01/2014 13:19

Shocking behaviour.

dreamingbohemian · 25/01/2014 13:25

Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry OP but as you say, his true colours are out now. If he can be that selfish not a day after having a huge talk about improving things, then you know sticking it out would be a long and frustrating process.

I'm sure he'll come back and say he's sorry and he only did it because when he was a child his parents wouldn't let him use the phone blah blah blah but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. You have children, a whole life, you need to be with someone responsible and supportive.

I'm really sorry about your dad, I hope he recovers soon.

cornflakegirl · 25/01/2014 13:36

It wasn't an emergency. OP just wanted to save the cost of a call. It was mean, but not meaner than previous behaviour.

He's been a git since, but there has been provocation.

VivaLeBeaver · 25/01/2014 13:55

I know its awful but in a way thank yourself lucky that he showed his true colours quickly. Yes it would have been nice if he'd done it before the wedding, etc. but you could have been five years post marriage with kids.

You can change the locks, divorce him and never have to see or deal with him again.

I hope your dad gets better soon.

FunkyBoldRibena · 25/01/2014 14:11

If he recently moved in he won't be on the lease. And you are perfectly within your rights to get your cousin to change the locks whilst you are out today and not to give him a key. And to chuck all his belongings on the street and tell him to come and get them pronto. Then get a divorce.

Trofast · 25/01/2014 14:33

A good friend spent years in a relationship with a man she really wanted to be sure of, she had kids too. They married and as a lifelong live in partner he was just horrid, mean, selfish and so they divorced a few years later.

She regrets only not doing it sooner, she was embarrassed but it wasn't her fault. He behaved differently once they were married and living together. This is how awful marriages start. You won't let this happen so you and the kids are safe. Be proud.

ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 14:38

Wow, don't blame you for wanting to get a divorce,

was he like this before?

Backinthering · 25/01/2014 14:41

Cornflakegirl how was OPs dad in intensive care not an emergency? And this was BEFORE her cousin threw him out.
I can only assume you have misread the thread.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 25/01/2014 14:50

cornflake - 'there has been provocation'???? I sincerely hope you're not trying to blame the OP here.

ShephardsDelight · 25/01/2014 14:59

Just read the whole thread,

Well done you for kicking him out that is disgusting.
I would take you're ring off though if it makes you feel better, you don't want a constant reminder.

His behaviour was atrocious there is no excuse for it. glad you blocked his number. I hope he hasn't taken to fb blasting though, maybe text your mates to keep an eye out.

PavlovtheCat · 25/01/2014 15:02

Financial control is sometimes the start of what can becoming an increasingly abusive relationship which can take years and years, and horrendous (potentially ) physical and emotional harm for adult and children victims to recover from.

My view of this is. Regardless of what anyone says here about what is actually going on with your DH his behaviour and how much of a big deal this, his behaviour since your marriage has quickly got your own alarm bells ringing, hence you posting here. Your own fears are concerns are what you should be considering, and it seems to me that your own instincts are telling you to get the hell out as something is very wrong. And so, you must follow those instincts now as later, you will doubt them much more than you are now.

So. From my perspective. It could be that you were foolish for stepping into this marriage without your eyes fully open 'how could you not know he was like this before?' Etc etc. except. Emotionally abusive men an be extremely god at not showing that side. Often it takes longer than now too how their true colours. So. I think it is more that you are actually astute and switched on to notice and act on your instincts and not be blinded by 'oh this is new, let's give it some time' and be blinded by the 'honeymoon' period. And be pleased that you have the confidence to stand up to this now. Many ,many strong women would not immediately act on a gut instinct over what some might think to be 'not a big deal' on its own.

Good luck. You didn't know before as he probably hid it very well. It's sad that he has experienced such a horrid childhood, but that is not your children's fault, and giving him the chance to change his behaviour will mean you may lose the courage further down the line to end this relationship if/when you realise he simply won't change. In turn your children will experience what he did.

pointythings · 25/01/2014 16:32

I cannot believe that there is anyone on this thread who thinks his behaviour is in any way forgiveable or excusable. Hmm The OP tries to do the right thing to save a bit of money in an emergency and her H says no? Even though it would have cost him nothing to say yes?

OP, I hope your Dad is recovering and I'm very sorry it has come to this. Just let this be the wakeup call and get this cocklodger out of your life, pronto.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 25/01/2014 17:14

Wow. The phone call incident would have been unbelievably selfish and stingy if you had been a complete stranger.

So much for all his claims that he will do better. Now you know when you need him to be there for you, even in a tiny way...he won't.

It's painful but lucky that you got wise to him sooner rather than later. Horrible way to find out, though.

IneedAsockamnesty · 25/01/2014 17:36

Shocking behaviour on his behalf,glad you got rid.

I wouldn't even bother about looking into annulling your marriage there is a very very strict criteria for doing that

Read here

www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

It's going to be wait until your anniversary then start a divorce I'm afraid unless any of the above applies.

hippo123 · 25/01/2014 17:49

Better to find out a month in than 10 years in. Lots of good advice can be found over on the relationships board. Sorry your going though this hope you have good family and friends to talk to in rl.

EloiseintheSun · 25/01/2014 17:57

Could DH save a shed load of money and try to not to involve his first family in legal proceedings. Save lots of money and angst which may also effect you (and your kids indirectly). Can you talk to him about alternatives?

painpaingoawaycomeagainanother · 25/01/2014 18:19

Hi there hadenough, I am so sorry to read this.. I do think that you've had a lucky escape though.
Ultimately he has only hurt himself by being as he us. Lost a strong and capable woman.
You however have gained everything, a chance of happiness, hope of meeting someone who loves you wholeheartedly and wishes to be fair and protect you. Your children have had boundaries modelled for them and will surely come to appreciate that you put yours and their needs above a toxic relation ship. Massive well done.