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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my new DH?

413 replies

Hadenough8 · 23/01/2014 08:30

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
pointythings · 25/01/2014 18:52

Eloise, the thread has moved on...

Hissy · 25/01/2014 19:02

I was going to post (before I saw your update) that ime men that start out like this with a sudden change, often turn out to be abusive.

Sadly he proved my point before I got the chance to tell you.

This man is a wrong-un. He will never be a good man, and you must keep him gone from your life.

Trust me on this.

Hissy · 25/01/2014 19:02

So sorry :(

Joysmum · 25/01/2014 19:09

I think you if the right thing to give him the benefit of the doubt because you now know for sure this isn't just a case of re-educating him and reversing the damage his childhood did, you know he's actually a nasty man and I am glad this has come to light sooner rather than later.

Him being such a nasty man had now made it easier for you to split. You're sure if what he is and, apart from deserving better for you. You have your kids to protect.

I wish you all the best for a clean split and mumsnet will give you a gameplay you allow you to achieve that.

nauticant · 25/01/2014 19:22

Wow! What an arsehole. Although he has done you a favour by showing his true colours so dramatically sooner rather than later.

I hope your Dad makes a swift recovery. And I hope you quickly adapt to your life taking a different but better course.

Bubblegoose · 25/01/2014 19:28

What a horrid little man. You're well rid, OP. Good on you for standing strong.

Hope your dad gets better quickly, what a stressful weekend you must be having Flowers.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 25/01/2014 19:46

I hope your Dad is doing OK.

I'm sorry that your H turned out to be a total twat but well done for getting him out now.

DownstairsMixUp · 25/01/2014 20:35

What an arse. But as others have said, at least you found out now rather than wasting years of your life with this twat. Glad your Dad is doing OK. Thanks for you.

cornflakegirl · 25/01/2014 23:33

"The phone call incident would have been unbelievably selfish and stingy if you had been a complete stranger."

So, if a complete stranger came up to you, phone in hand, and said "I need to call my mum urgently but it will cost me money, please can I use your phone?", you'd hand it over?

It was mean not to share his free calls, but no meaner than the stuff over the bills.

OP said that after the call she hit the roof, called her cousin to babysit and through him out. I'm sure that it felt reasonable to her at the time because she was so worried about her dad. But it's not really surprising that her H reacted badly to it. I'm not excusing it. But sometimes people say and do hurtful things when they are angry and upset.

nauticant · 25/01/2014 23:41

In what way is that post supposed to help the OP?

I suppose if you're trying to put a guilt-trip on her it does the job to some degree but I really can't quite see what you're trying to do here.

boschy · 25/01/2014 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cornflakegirl · 25/01/2014 23:51

No, I'm not trying to guilt Hadenough. But there is a chorus of LTBs that I'm not sure is helpful. And I'm hoping that she will make a considered decision that is right for her family, not just because of an argument when she's really upset about her dad.

Hadenough - if anything I've posted has upset you, then I unreservedly apologise.

riskit4abiskit · 26/01/2014 00:16

So sorry that your man turned out to be a wankmonkey. You have totally done the right thing by chucking him out. Hope your dad is okay.

its no exaggeration to say I have never heard of behaviour like this in a marriage.

Best wishes for a strong independent future

Sharaluck · 26/01/2014 00:29

So sorry to hear about your dad Flowers

For what it's worth I don't think pooling incomes are necessary for blended/step families but he was being extremely unreasonable to expect to pay a 1/4 of all bills Hmm Even the situation where you would be left a total of 200 a month for everything else and he is left with 1000 is unreasonable. Very unfair.

pointythings · 26/01/2014 12:41

So, if a complete stranger came up to you, phone in hand, and said "I need to call my mum urgently but it will cost me money, please can I use your phone?", you'd hand it over?

This man is the OP's husband, not a stranger.

Are you the OP's H's mum? You keep making excuses for this pathetic specimen. OP has tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, he has promised he would change, he has failed to keep his promise at the very first very tiny hurdle. Yes, there are clearly reasons why he is the way he is, but he is not even trying. Inexcusable, the OP has done the right thing in throwing him out.

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 13:59

Cornflakegirl the whole point of me wanting to save the cost of a call was because this is another of the things he moaned about and why we had the house phone set to incoming calls as he didn't want to pay for telephone calls. I was reluctant to do this and asked what if I didn't have credit on my mobile to make calls, he had said that he gets free calls, so to use his mobile.

Then the first instance which arrived when I needed to use his phone, he said no. I was furious, as something else he had agreed to, then backtracked. After our chat, the night before where he said he could see he was being unreasonable, didn't last long and yet another example of his insincerity. I thought we would BOTH be making an effort to put things right.

It wasn't an emergency until AFTER I did phone mum, however we both knew that my dad had been ill for some time. So a phone call in the evening from my mum on a mobile phone she never uses, as I said we both knew something was wrong.

OP posts:
Jess03 · 26/01/2014 14:09

I hope you are doing ok. I think your behaviour was reasonable, it shouldn't have even raised his eyebrow, and saying your behaviour is disgusting also shows he has a very poor character. Re his unfortunate childhood, it doesn't sound to me that he will ever get that they were wrong.

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 14:17

So not the reason for me throwing him out, just the straw that broke the camels back. A build up of things.

Also the way in which he wouldn't let me use the phone, I asked if I could use his phone as he was sitting there with it in his hand, he handed it to me, I then asked for the passcode and he said 'I don't know', so obviously just being spiteful.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 14:29

He has also been sending me more nasty text messages, I can block calls and messages but not imessages apparently. I haven't read them in full, but just deleting, however I can see the start of the messages before I delete. Another of the texts was 'money grabber' and 'I am an animal' and another asking for his money back (the money he paid into my account for his half)

He has also taken the Christmas present he got me and anything else he has ever got me, like birthday presents too.

Although I note he didn't leave any of the presents I got him over the years!

I really don't care about material stuff and I would be very tempted to give him back the money he has paid, if I had it.

I can understand that he is hurting, im hurting too, but I have not resorted to sending nasty messages or asking for things back. That is just totally petty.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 26/01/2014 14:29

I've read your entire thread, Hadenough, and in your position, I just couldnt carry on in a relationship with someone who has such serious hang-ups and stinginess about money that it massively affects day to day life. Separate shelves in the fridge, inability to hand you his mobile, what a nightmare to discover this after only being married for weeks.

In answer to the (rather irrelevant, but anyway) scenario about if a stranger came up and asked to use my phone for an emergency call to my mum, it would be yes of course and can I drive you somewhere? Quibbling over mobile phonecalls at a time like that, stranger or DH, please!!

Blaming it on his childhood doesnt make it easier for you to deal with. You arent his therapist, but he sure as hell needs one (and you arent paying the bill!)

Main thing is, I hope your Dad and you/family are OK, you have enough on your plate.

daisychain01 · 26/01/2014 14:31

Maybe keep his spiteful messages in case they are admissible in any annulment? Sorry I dont mean to sound so blunt or presumptuous, not my intention, but by deleting them you may be removing some important data.

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2014 14:34

I'd keep the messages Hadenough. Maybe they'd be useful in the divorce?

And as an aside, I have leant my phone to a girl on a bus to call her mum. Admittedly it would have been hard for her to leg it on a bus...

AnUnearthlyChild · 26/01/2014 14:39

Agree you should keep,the texts.

Very useful evidence.

Also. I have lent my phone to a stranger who was out of credit. And it wasn't a free call.

Original poster
hadenough8 · 26/01/2014 14:42

Thanks Daisy, that probably would be the sensible thing to do, however I don't want to read them, especially if the open line in the messages is anything to go by. I don't want things to be nasty and I am hoping we can deal with this, like adults, given a bit of time.

I will no doubt have to speak to him at some time regarding annulment, just now is obviously not the time.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/01/2014 14:49

Have you changed the locks yet love?

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