AIBU or is my new DH?

[Hadenough8]

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

On a point of information, I note that Marriage Care appears to be a Catholic organisation, and there are other non-religious affiliated counselling services, the most well known of which is probably Relate. And also many individual counsellors offer relationship counselling, of course.

How is it that you've married him and not known about his childhood before? Good grief!

I still think you should LTB because you don't trust him to look after your children properly if something happens to you and that says it all really.

Maybe silly but could you go to extremes - ask him to live on £200 / sit him down to a steak dinner whilst you and the dc sit down to beans on toast and ask how he feels? It sounds like he genuinely doesn't know how to be part of a normal family set up... Not saying you should but could you find the patience to teach him how much nicer life would be if you all lived equally?

What happens if you all eat out? Do you pay 3/4? Eat from the cheap menu whilst he has steak? What about holidays - would he go first class etc?

Odd I said earlier in the thread when someone asked that we had spoke about childhoods and I knew his was not a loving or caring one. I knew some things about his childhood, but not every last detail. I also said that he idolises his parents and doesn't like to speak ill of them (someone else pointed out on the thread, that this is also common in parent/child relationship where is hasn't been a loving/caring one)

I was aware of lots of issues in his childhood, just not those that we spoke about last night relating to how he is about money. As I also said before marriage we never argued about money, so I never had a need to find out why he was like this around money.

I didn't trust him to be around my children as I thought he resented them. It has become clearer after our talk last night, that it isn't resentment.

For me the real deal breaker would be anyone resenting my kids. I don't think he does, I think it is more about money and trust, rather than resentment. Money and trust can be worked on and I agree counselling as a couple is a good idea.

Of course I could have got that totally wrong and I am sure if I have it will become obvious. Nothing has to be set in stone. I don't have to decide leave this instant or stay for forever. I can see how things go and act accordingly.

Rest assured I will not let anyone act in a way to damage my children.

Sometimes if someone has had a bad childhood, it will take years and a lot of trust for the full details to come out. Also, it doesn't mean he wouldn't love or want to be with his parents, I don't think it works like that- often people stay trying to be the perfect son or daughter but of course it never gets fixed.

You sound like you have a good plan.

Bob, sitting him down to a steak dinner, while we all eat beans on toast, i think would be particularly cruel after what he told me last night. This is what happened to him as a kid.

We don't live on £200 as such, so we cannot afford food. £200 is what I have spare after paying for food etc. Not what I have to pay for everything. I was just outraged at his suggestion of only having to pay 25% as there is only one of him. After our chat last night, it has become much clearer as to why he would think that way.

I agree he doesn't know how to be part of a different family set up and he has said that he is having difficulties adjusting to how we live as a family. I think he understand that our family live very differently to what he is used to and he can see this is how it should be

Prior to marriage we would all go out for a meal as a family and he would pay. Similar I would cook a nice dinner and buy wine and so on. So things were very much equal.

The problem has arisen since being married and I think him thinking, he is losing control as I said up thread a bit.

tall that is exactly how he is, he is always trying to impress his parents and be the perfect son. Strangely enough his attitude of only having to pay his share of things came about the day after he visited his parents.

slim his parents had a shelf in the fridge just for them, when they were all young children, not working age teen/adults. I can see how having a very large family could be difficult and expensive. Or how parents might well eat steak and kids beans on toast, if the children are not old enough or prefer that kind of food. However, this continued through the teen years and into adulthood.

With regard to court proceedings, as I said it has all got very complicated in the past. He did go to see a solicitor and the solicitor thought that he would need legal representation based on the past, it has been going on for years and years. However thanks, I will pass the info on and see if I can find out more.

I like the bit about nothing being set in stone. That's a good point. Good luck with everything.

Thanks Slim and everyone else, it has really helped being about to talk about this and hear different view points and advice.

OP, I think you have good reasons to try and save this marriage. It sounds as if your DH had a really unpleasant childhood. If he can work towards realising that it was not normal, and that sharing as a whole family is emotionally much healthier, then there is hope. I do think he will need some help to deal with the off-track thoughts he has around sharing = risk of being left with nothing though.

Good luck.

Yanbu, you sound a very strong woman hadenough, seeing his attitude towards your children and being assertive for them is admirable. They are lucky you see what he is up to now rather then in a few years when he has damaged you and them for good.

I don't know maybe he will change, with you not letting him slip back into resentment to your dc's, it could work but you will always be on alert for him to show his true nature and protect your dcs from it.

Is it worth the effort?

I think the talk you've had explains a few things but it seems he's not just worried about not having enough, he's actively taking on the role of 'father' as he knows it. So keeping all his money for himself regardless of how others around him might suffer. If he carries on, he will have a shelf of 'best' things whilst you all go without. He's already having haircuts and is able to spend money far more frivolously than you can. That's not a partnership.

Be careful - even though he may not be doing this actively to be cruel, tight or thoughtless, the consequence may well be the same. Your children could end up with the same childhood as him. The additionally complexity of him being in a step father role could really cause damage to their self esteem.

Regardless of the cause, I think stopping this behaviour should be a condition of your future together.

Oh, and it still looks like the 'saving for the court case' is a red herring.

Apologies I missed some posts hadenough as you changed a cap on your name so now your posts are not highlighted.

So you know now why he acts like he does.

The important thing is now - how is he dealing with what is extremely unreasonable behaviour?

Counselling seems a very good idea, to have someone other than you giving him a reality check.

I get where he is coming from, totally. But he has to break this cycle and start working on his attitudes. Otherwise I don't see hope for your relationship. Good luck.

Good Luck Hadenough.

I'm another who thinks you should speak to him about having an evening or weekend spent sorting out finances and making a plan.

You need to be very clear that regardless of how he's lived in the past, this is where he is now.
I'm also slightly sceptical as to why he went back to live with his parents and how or why they let him live there so cheaply? but that's by the by really.

Please impress up on him that money should never be about control. You are both working adults and in your marriage the finances should be about agreement and joint responsibilities.

When we were first married we both paid all our income into a joint bank account and from there I worked out our money outgoings and paid set amounts every month into a savings account which would cover bills, food and cleaning stuff etc. and some for our joint savings. The money that was left in the current account was for us to draw out our spending money.
Luckily for us we both had exactly the same attitude towards money and we both trusted each other too. There were no complications of existing dependents or anything like that either, which meant it's all pretty straight forward.

Can you just map out what it costs to run the household and what you both think is fair to pay in. Then once a week or month you could show him what's gone out and he'd get an idea of what a grown up home finances look like and still be sure that he had some of his own private money to do as he wishes with?
I'm just thinking seeing it all accounted for on paper might help him get to grips with it all.

His attitude towards your children is something only you can monitor, but at least you're being proactive sooner than later.

You obviously don't want to rush into anything but just bear in mind that his childhood is a reason, not an excuse. I agree with the pp who said that he needs counselling - personally I would make that a condition of working on the marriage.

Good luck

Good luck. Reading again I see he hasn't really lived away from home before. He might be able to grow up yet.

Yanbu. He sounds like a right prick.

If things were so bad growing up why did he stay living with his parents for so long, given he has a reasonable wage?

Good luck, Hadenough - I hope the two of you can work this through.

Good luck op, but word of warning. A lot of people have bad or even very abusive childhoods. Some use it as nn excuse and some use it as the fire up our arses we need to get on with life.

Your Dh sounds like the first type. He already has children don't forget he's had a chance and a very good reasreason to figure it all out by now

Wow. I fear you have a long battle ahead.

Before we had children we worked out how much it cost to run the house and we paid a % each calculated on how much each of us took home.

This seemed fair, but to be honest we both earn't a very good wage. ( neither of us struggled)

In your situation something similar would be fair. You being left with £200 is outrageously mean.

He's a selfish man and I'd be thinking about showing him the door to reassess his decision. I'm not a LTB type either. He needs a reality check.

Christ and you've married this man????

Does your exH contribute to the support of the children that you have together? If not, then your current charmer has some slight excuse for his behaviour.