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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off about copycat hen weekend?

145 replies

papierjam · 22/01/2014 22:53

A couple of months ago I was talking to my friends about my engagement and what I intended to do for my hen weekend - without giving too many details away and outing myself, it's not exactly a generic hen weekend and something that was really "me" in the place that DF and I had our first date, so it's obviously a very significant place to me.

Today I find out that my friend, who is also engaged and getting married about 6 months before me has decided that she likes my idea so much she's planned her hen do in the exact same venue with the same activities organised around it. I'm invited, but the actual accommodation is only large enough to sleep 6, so priority will go to the hen and bridesmaids, with myself and others staying in tents.

I now feel that I can't have the hen do I dreamed of, because it will look like I'm copying her as opposed to the other way around, not to mention that our group of friends would essentially be doing the same thing twice!

It's the unique accommodation in particular that makes the venue so special to me, but of course I won't be staying in it...she happens to have chosen a rather significant birthday of mine on which to have this hen weekend too. Although I don't think this was intentional, it means that I'll be sacrificing celebrating my birthday with DF for her.

AIBU to be pissed off to think that my friend should have come up with her own bloody hen idea instead of stealing mine??!

OP posts:
Original poster
papierjam · 22/01/2014 23:40

Juno there's one other place in the UK that offers the same thing as I wanted...it's just 300 miles away from where we live, as opposed to 10!

OP posts:
SauceForTheGander · 22/01/2014 23:40

She should have asked you of she could copy I think.

But I wouldn't make a thing of it. But I'm not confrontational

pinkelephantpinkelephant · 22/01/2014 23:42

I would be really cross and upset about it too.

I would, as others have suggested, decline your invite to her hen weekend. I would definitely have to say something too, even if it was just pointing out in a jolly smiley way 'Oh you liked my idea so much you've booked it for your own hen weekend then?'

MerylStrop · 22/01/2014 23:55

If its a birthday ending in a 5 then I think you can't be too precious about it……Wink, and go and have what is going to be a really nice time with your friends. (you know it will be nice because you chose it after all)

And then do something else really nice for your hen do.

Its not worth being anything more than mildly irritated about.

SarahAndFuckTheResolutions · 23/01/2014 00:03

When are the weddings? Can you book to have your hen night first? Or tell her that you don't mind her copying part of your idea but could she please book the place that's 300 miles away because the closer venue is significant to you but not to her. Or suggest a joint hen party?

If you were talking about it with your friends they will all know she's nicked your idea anyway.

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 00:16

Her wedding is in May, mine is in October, so I can't really have my hen first or suggest it as a joint party.

I'd actually planned to have my wedding at the same place she's having her wedding too..a place where I had many happy childhood memories, but I'd never shared these plans with anyone, so when she announced she was having her wedding there, I thought damn but fair enough, and decided to change mine as I didn't want her to feel that I'd copied her.

I wish she'd have the same courtesy for me with the hen...

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 23/01/2014 00:23

When you all get together why don't you discuss it? If they are all good friends just explain situation and ask if everyone up for doing same thing twice? Otherwise ask her to think of something else as you came up with plan first.

Also decline her hen do. Say df has booked surprise long weekend away as its your bday. Then you have excuse to do something cool on your bday too.

I can see why you're annoyed if you won't get to stay in nice accommodation. It won't be as good as you doing it for your hen.

tanukiton · 23/01/2014 00:23

To be honest the only one who cares about your wedding/hen is you. So if you want to use these places just do and fuck her. . Change your venue to the one you want.

patienceisvirtuous · 23/01/2014 00:33

Is planned hen in Whitby? :-)

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 00:34

No patience, not Whitby, although I visited Whitby with DF last year and it's gorgeous.

OP posts:
BumpNGrind · 23/01/2014 00:38

How far in advance are you planning your hen do? I think you've thought way too much about it. Yes its irritating that she's copied your idea, but to be honest you put yourself in that position. Closer to the date, do something different. Your hen do doesn't have to be significant to your oh, its a chance to catch up and have a laugh with your friends.

patienceisvirtuous · 23/01/2014 00:39

Yeah it's lovely! Ah, it's just they have a unique b&b there and the same owners also have a quirky campsite nearby - sprung to mind when you said about the camping.

I would stick with your plan, it's what you really wanted - so what if she does it too.

And yanbu!

OpalQuartz · 23/01/2014 00:42

Yanbu. That is a bit annoying. Could you say to them all "As you know this was what I planned to do for my hen do as it was where we went on our first date, but as people probably won't want to do the same thing twice you'll need to change to something else and you will let them know once you've thought of something. " Hopefully she will offer to change, but if not there probably isn't much you can do but you can use the birthday excuse to get out of it.

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 00:44

Bump I've guess I've always been quite a planner (my profession is event management!) The thing is, if you want to book a specific venue for more than a handful of people, places do get booked up quickly and as I said, traditional piss up around town doesn't appeal to me.

OP posts:
ChubbyKitty · 23/01/2014 00:46

Yanbu! Some friends of ours have done similar to us with our honeymoonSad

MerylStrop · 23/01/2014 00:57

Chubby, surely you weren't planning on taking 9 of your closet friends on honeymoon….why does it matter, unless its the same dates?

Life's too short to be bothered about this kind of stuff, OP, not going is cutting off your nose to spite your face - and you have till September to think of something else to do.

ChubbyKitty · 23/01/2014 01:09

In fairness no, we weren't, i was just talking about making it look like someone's copied when they haven't sort of thing.

Sorry Blush

MerylStrop · 23/01/2014 01:15

Chubby- sorry wasn't being snippy, just joking!

I suppose it is irritating. But maybe it's just better to see it as confirmation of good ideas?

ChubbyKitty · 23/01/2014 01:35

In my case it's because this guy is a dick (alright, he's more DPs friend than mine, and even then it's touch and go right now..) and it will be spread around DPs and his workplace that we're only doing it because they are blah blah. Quite shallow really I just don't like the though of DP having to work in that atmosphere.

Sorry Meryl I thought I'd made a fool of myselfGrin

In the OPs case I don't know what I'd do. I'd be royally miffed about it though! Could you maybe meet her for coffee and have a quiet talk and mention how special the idea is to you? Or bypass that and mention in passing something that would suit her much better so she does that instead? Sort of lure her into something else she might enjoy more?

TheZeeTeam · 23/01/2014 01:50

Well, you have 2 choices. Call her out on it or suck it up. Only you know which is right for you.
As an aside, unless you're 60+, a 5 birthday is not an important birthday.

WTFlike · 23/01/2014 02:01

"I can't have the hen do I dreamed of"

YABU

JessieMcJessie · 23/01/2014 02:19

Can you enlist one of your other friends to have a quiet word with her about how it's not on to copy you, and convince her to change her plans? Surely the other invitees (who are your closer friends) will also have twigged that you'd be upset?

vvviola · 23/01/2014 02:26

I'd be more put out at having to stay in a tent on a hen weekend when ?the majority? of the group were staying in "real" accommodation. Would mind if it was a camping hen, which could be fun, but being relegated to camping would make me feel like an after-thought.

Fizzylemon · 23/01/2014 04:00

Why would you want to spend your 50th at her hen night anyway?

BohemianGirl · 23/01/2014 04:13

The Op isn't 50

I'm throwing a curved ball here - why would you want your hen do in the place you had your first date with your chap? that's mad!