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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off about copycat hen weekend?

145 replies

papierjam · 22/01/2014 22:53

A couple of months ago I was talking to my friends about my engagement and what I intended to do for my hen weekend - without giving too many details away and outing myself, it's not exactly a generic hen weekend and something that was really "me" in the place that DF and I had our first date, so it's obviously a very significant place to me.

Today I find out that my friend, who is also engaged and getting married about 6 months before me has decided that she likes my idea so much she's planned her hen do in the exact same venue with the same activities organised around it. I'm invited, but the actual accommodation is only large enough to sleep 6, so priority will go to the hen and bridesmaids, with myself and others staying in tents.

I now feel that I can't have the hen do I dreamed of, because it will look like I'm copying her as opposed to the other way around, not to mention that our group of friends would essentially be doing the same thing twice!

It's the unique accommodation in particular that makes the venue so special to me, but of course I won't be staying in it...she happens to have chosen a rather significant birthday of mine on which to have this hen weekend too. Although I don't think this was intentional, it means that I'll be sacrificing celebrating my birthday with DF for her.

AIBU to be pissed off to think that my friend should have come up with her own bloody hen idea instead of stealing mine??!

OP posts:
roadwalker · 23/01/2014 14:36

i would tell her that you are very miffed that she has taken your idea otherwise it will bug you forever (well it would me)
Even if it doesn't change things she should know how you feel otherwise she will continue to behave like this

snowmummy · 23/01/2014 14:42

Imitation is not the most sincere form of flattery. Its just creepy. Cannot imagine what was going on in her head when she decided to nick your idea. Has she got form for this type of behaviour?

NannyAnna · 23/01/2014 14:47

That sucks!!! You are not be unreasonable. Don't bother going

thegreylady · 23/01/2014 14:51

YANBU at all but I understand why you don't want a fuss.I'd have to say something to her though. Fwiw my dd and friends hired a narrowboat for her 'hen weekend' and cruised down To Stratford on Avon where they saw a play, had a meal and cruised back to base on the Sunday.

ViviPru · 23/01/2014 14:53

Yeah what snowmummy said. Its weird.

I'm not going to fall out with her over this, no. I'd probably be the same. There's no point.

Although youdo get the chance to look like a hero now, OP. Someone is bound to bring up that fact that you proposed this location first. You can be all magnanimous and mature about it, but casually mention it is a bit of a shame as you would have booked the other accommodation too so no-one would have to be in tents but I'm sure everyone will find camping lots of fun on Wendy's hen do!!

Everyone will admire how very reasonable you are, and you will continue to be incredibly popular and well-liked.

magentastardust · 23/01/2014 14:54

What have the other girls in your group of friends said? They must be aware that she has copied your idea if you discussed it in front of them.

I agree you shouldn't fall out with your friend but if you did discuss your plans originally and she didn't pipe up that was what she planned to do , I think you are justified in saying to her that you are a bit disappointed that she booked what you had said you were planning to do for the Hen night. It is bad manners really if nothing else and not really something you would purposely do to a close friend.
I would also keep some of your wedding ideas to yourself too-she maybe isn't a cow and just genuinely can't come up with her own ideas -so you may find that she has taken some of your ideas for her reception, or décor etc. Especially as you are an events planner I would imagine you are quite creative and come up with something a bit different. It is flattery but it does suck. She also has the 'upper hand' in that her dates for her Hen night and Wedding are first so you will be left looking unoriginal again.

I know there is a 6 month date difference but if the majority of guests are going to be the same is a joint Hen night a possibility? That way you still get to share your ideal venue with your friends as planned ?

Andro · 23/01/2014 14:56

YANBU! Whilst there isn't an infinite supply of venues for celebrations of any type, pinching a friend's idea is very bad form.

Can your DF conveniently book a table for the two of you on your birthday or something? You would then have a neat excuse not to go without looking churlish either (more manners than she deserves but you'd retain the moral high ground)

ViviPru · 23/01/2014 14:56

p.s. hope it pisses it down on Wendy's hen do and everyone gets scurvy on top of their pneumonia because she's neglected to think through the catering adequately. That'll learn the cah.

NettleTea · 23/01/2014 14:57

Is it Babes in the Wood?????
if so there are other places (ours included Wink) who could offer a glampy/whole site booking with girlie pampering and outdoorsy stuff too......
AND the others wouldnt need to sleep in tents, they could glamp it too

snowmummy · 23/01/2014 14:57

Whether or not op falls out with this girl would depend on whether she has form for this type of behaviour. If she does, I'd run for the hills.

squoosh · 23/01/2014 14:59

I love those huge wigwams you can go glamping in. Not sure how warm they are though.

Jackthebodiless · 23/01/2014 15:16

Wendy indeed.

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 15:17

It's not Babes in the Wood, no - I do actually love the sound of that, but I wouldn't expect my hens to pay £250 - £300 for one night.

When I originally mentioned my hen idea in front of my friends, the other bride said: "ooh, that sounds like a lovely idea" - I thought she was agreeing that it was a lovely idea for ME, not thinking: "right, I'll do that too!"

I don't know what my other friends think about it yet - all this was literally announced last night, via a Facebook event invite that she'd booked the date, put a deposit down for the accommodation, etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 15:26

And what is a Wendy?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 23/01/2014 15:30

A Wendy is a 'friend', often latecomer, to a social circle who manipulates the group against one member, (often the person who introduced them in the first place) to the point the original member is ostracised by the group. Everything the original member does or says is twisted by the Wendy to make HER look like the victim.

I'm not sure your friend is Wendying. She just sounds a bit dim is all.

diddl · 23/01/2014 15:48

I can see why it's annoying.

But-would you both have the same people there/do exactly the same activities?

If not-maybe not too much of a problem?

I wouldn't be going if I would have to be in a tent though!

Perhaps your friends will decline as it was your idea & they want to do it with you?

MerylStrop · 23/01/2014 20:15

I would do one or combination of four things:

  1. Get a mutual friend (or two) to act all surprised/post on Facebook oh, er isn't that where papier is having her do?

OR

  1. go along and have a lovely time (hire a bell tent/glamping tent thing/investigate possibilities of other accommodation?)

AND

  1. see whether is as lovely as you hope and still have your hen do there if it is but tweak it for high summer/early autumn rather than spring

A birthday ending in a 5 isn't so significant that it all has to be about you, plus you can celebrate at home too…AND if its that sort of place maybe they can sort a special birthday breakfast or something

Really want to know where it is now.

Quinteszilla · 23/01/2014 20:36

The WORST thing you can do to her is to go along to her hen, and thank her for testing the venue for you, and book something else entirely.

SarahAndFuckTheResolutions · 23/01/2014 20:43

Whatever you do OP, keep this in mind for when you are both pregnant and she asks you if you've thought of any baby names.

And then keep your names well and truly to yourself. Because she will use them. Wink

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 20:57

Strangely enough her cat has the same name as my DS!!!

OP posts:
ViviPru · 23/01/2014 21:04

Hilarious!

I have a wannabe-me. At worst, it grates, at best, it's a massive ego boost. (Depending on the time of the month)

Original poster
papierjam · 23/01/2014 21:09

And when we went shopping she bought the same jacket as me Hmm

It didn't suit her

OP posts:
squoosh · 23/01/2014 21:14

papierjam it sounds as though she admires you in an 11 year old girl kind of way. If she isn't mean or bitchy I suppose all you can do is accept it as a compliment of sorts..............

................unless you wake up in the night to see her sitting on the edge of your bed gazing at you intently.

looselegs · 23/01/2014 21:38

I had a similar problem with my 40th birthday. A 'friend' (who I thought was a good friend) had her 40th 3 weeks before mine.She found out what I was planning on doing then copied it-right down to the type of cake I had.Needless to say I cancelled all my plans cos I didn't want people to think I'd copied her and I ended up just having a weekend away with hubby and the kids.
It's a horrible feeling-and we're not friends anymore.

snowmummy · 23/01/2014 23:11

Strangely enough her cat has the same name as my DS!!!
And when we went shopping she bought the same jacket as me hmm

So she does have form. Be careful.