Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

Btw - he will genuinely feel that he is being short changed here. In his head, a woman cooks, cleans and opens her legs, and does as she is asked. His sense of entitlement is such that he will feel wounded and confused by your insubordination.

You can't have had enough of his shit. You must be confused...and obviously you don't get it.

yes, and the only thing you want is for him to treat you with RESPECT.

but he doesn't get it.

He wants YOU to be nice to HIM?!

No, this isn't what you wanted, but what you wanted required HIM to change. And he doesn't want to. Or can't.

You can only choose between options that are possible, and I think you have made the best choice.

OP I do sympathise with how you must be feeling right now. You are a kind, giving, loving person who balks at causing anyone an ounce of heartache. It must be very difficult for you to go against your natural passive grain.

But you see...people like him take full advantage of people like you.
You deserve someone who celebrates these attributes, instead of exploiting them.

Please don't cave, even though you hate hurting people. It's quite clear he just wants to reset to your default mode of you running round after him, desperate to please him. He is used to getting his own way, and doesn't like the fact you're growing a backbone. Stay strong. You deserve better.

Dear god, this really is all about him, isn't it? He's all sulky and wounded that you've withdrawn your sexual, laundry and culinary services. You've been being nice to him all along, and what did it get you? Being taken for granted by a charmless, graceless, selfish overgrown child.

Hold strong, Dolls. Do you really just want to get meekly back on the joyless merry go round that is your relationship with this man, knowing perfectly well what will happen? A bunch of petrol station flowers and then back to him not even bothering to let you know when or if he's showing up for his free meal?

Don't cave, he is not a nice man. I actually got goosebumps whe i read that you are doing all those things for him so he would be nice, as he's otherwise so grumpy after work.
I've been there. Worrying the whole day if he's in a good mood or if I've done something wrong again (I never knew I was able to do so many things wrong) and he would be moody and grumpy. Walking on eggshells. Bloody exhausting.

(I have a lovely, lovely, nice and caring DH now, who does as much for me than I do for him).

See the only thing he is interested in is what HE wants.You don't understand what HE needs.

He hasn't shown any interest in what you want or need or understanding what it is like for you.

He didn't mean for this to happen, but he's not sorry that it did and he has no interest in doing anything about it.

Best not to reply - but here is one for if you did:

'You're right, I don't get it. I am already nice to you. So as that's not enough, we clearly don't belong together. Good luck in the future'.

Just to be clear, that's a 'don't bother me again' text not a getting him back one. Don't look back now you have ditched him!

You have been far nicer to him than he deserves. He sounds like a parasite. Like a tick actually, sticking his head in, getting fed, but not actually bothering to move in. Best way to treat a tick is to off their oxygen. Best way to deal with him is to cut off his access to you. Disengage, don't argue, don't give him a chance to worm his way back in. You deserve an actual relationship with someone, not being used like this.

Im still cheering for you OP...doing a little chair dance as I type :)

It is going to hurt for a bit, but you are already MUCH better off without him, he is acting like an entitled brat

Wow! What a thread. Don't reply to him, OP. Block his number. This overgrown child is no longer a part of your life - the sooner you start thinking of him in the past tense the better.

Stay strong!

Please, please, please don't get into any kind of discussion with him about this op - he's had five years to prove that he has any respect for you and he's failed miserably. He will never make you happy. You can't change him. Don't settle for him.

You've had such great, pertinent and helpful advice here, OP. Please PLEASE don't weaken and let him back ... he'll try, oh boy, how he'll try. He's had it good for five bloody years and he's not going to give that up without a struggle.

Stand firm - your life begins from NOW. You KNOW, in your heart, that he won't change if you allow him back. There might be a brief 'honeymoon period' but within a week or so, it'll be same old same old.

Block his number. Change your and your locks and dump his stuff in bin bags at his mum's or just bin it. Absolutely REFUSE TO ENTER IN ANY DIALOGUE with him from now on. You have nothing to lose but a disgraceful, unpleasant, 'user'.

meant 'Change your number and your locks ...'

I think you've hit the nail on the head about him Pictish, well most of the posts have.

It's just going to be a big change, I get a bit taken aback at how disgusted people are by his behaviour as even though I know it's wrong I'm used to it so its my normal. Plus I've had him in my ear telling me that I'm wrong or refusing to even discuss things.

I haven't replied to him as there's no point.

Keep strong dolls ....you don't want your life to be like that for ever....

Have been following this thread but not posted yet. Some very good advice on here op, stay strong and keep control. He probably hasn't realised yet that you mean it, don't back down when he comes crawling back (which he will in the next few days probably)

I've just caught up Dolls - looks like you've got the whole of Mumsnet behind you :)

Things will be strange for a while...but without him cocklodging you now have a chance to meet someone one day who will treat you well - you deserve that chance x

What's very hurtful is how little he cares.

He text me asking when he can have his stuff back, I said I told you anytime you can collect it from outside, he said he doesn't believe I mean it, then he said this isn't easy for him and we can at least behave like adults. Then he asked me to give him some money for a duvet cover he bought for my bed which was supposed to be our bed. So I transferred it into his bank.

I'm wondering if he's actually quite enjoying this.

He says you can at least behave like adults...then he goes on to demand you repay him for a duvet cover??

Sweetheart, you are sooooo well shot of this pathetic specimen. Save yourself for a gentleman...please.

Yes I know, first he said when can he have his stuff don't ignore him or he'll come over. So I just reiterated that it's outside, then he started asking what else he can have, it just wound me up.