Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

stay strong. leave stuff outside.

you know if you take him back he might improve for a bit but then sink back again. it's who he is.

I could be wrong, but I actually think that what he's trying to do is press the reset button.

Whenever we come close to commitment, or to him having to treat me like an equal partner, or I start to express unhappiness about something, he will try to reset us to default.

The not responding is a good tactic because it leaves me to sweat, to wonder. Then perhaps he will say sorry next week or whenever and offer to take me out and a will be so grateful/relieved that I will take him back and also lay off him for a while, it buys him some more time without actually having to change his behaviour.

I could be wrong, perhaps I'll never hear from him again, but going from past experience, does this sound realistic?

Dolls, you say its not what you want in an ideal situation - but the 'ideal' relationship you want doesnt exist with him. So you need to leave him in order to reach the 'ideal' place where you are actually happy.

There is no point spending years waiting for someone to change and behave the way you wish they would. You are not in limbo - why are you so lacking in confidence that you need him to 'allow' you to end this relationship? I think you must have had a tough family life in order to be in this situation.

Sit down with pen and paper and make a list of all the times you have felt let down, all the broken promises.

Then make a new list, which describes what an ideal relationship would look like - someone who loves you, respects you, treats you as an equal and wants to live with you - and compare the lists.

In order to get the relationship you actually want, you have to break through the barrier of feeling sad that you have nobody to spend the weekend with. Because if you keep focusing on that, all you will ever have each weekend is a boyfriend who makes you unhappy.

Someone to spend the weekend with is not good enough - you need to focus on something really good with a man who makes you happy.

OP you did the right thing. You could have been my mother talking as my father was just the same in how he treated her. One example is that he expected his dinner on the table when he came home from work and if it wasn't he would behave like your p. She couldn't win with him because even if he finished early and it wasn't ready he would still be a git about it.

And he always blamed her so she started to believe it. She became so downtrodden that even when he started on us she wouldn't stand up for us. Please don't end up like this. You AND you DC deserve better.

He used to sulk until she gave in which is what you P is doing. He knows if he gives you the silent treatment you'll give in.

Dolls....you'll hear from him again ....I think it's just part of the cycle. Hope you can break it because it doesn't sound conducive with the kind of family life you are hoping for....good luck

Great idea to make a list! Get a pen and paper and make that list now! Just making the list will be fun, never mind actually doing the things on it - what do you want to do in the next week/month/year/five years? With your DS? With your mates? Something for yourself - a course or something? Promotion at work? Days out/weekend breaks/holidays? The possibilities are endless - and you don't have to ask anyone's permission or worry about someone else's reaction to your plans - you're free as a bird! Amazing!!

You're bound to feel sad. Ending a relationship can somehow feel like you've failed. But you really haven't. Stay strong. Don't get caught up in texts/calls/conversations with him. Block him on Facebook or whatever. Ignore any gossip about his new love interests. Move on. Set high standards and don't lower them for any man.

Don't look back!!

Analyse exactly why you feel sad. (I agree some counselling would be great here.) Because nothing you've said about this relationship suggested there was anything enjoyable or beneficial to you in it - he exploited you endlessly, used you as a 1950s mother he could have sex with, didn't want to move in with you, lied, messed you about re whether he deigned to show up or not in the evening -and didn't even do a very good job of covering any of this up with a pretence of love or commitment.

His lack of response to you ending the relationship suggests how little he thinks of you. It's possible from what you say that he doesn't believe you are serious, and think that when he clicks his fingers in a week, you'll come crawling back begging to wash his boxers and make him dinner.

Do not even think about taking him back. What you are sad about is your lack of a happy, fulfilling relationship, but the one you have just left was not that relationship! You have done the best thing you possibly could to ensure your happiness in future, to give a stable environment and a good example for your kids. Good for you.

A little P.S.

There's no way he thinks you mean this. Use that to your advantage - you have say, a week or so to work on your 'this is the end' mindset. Use the time that he's not trying to contact you to build up a picture of what your future's like without him. Plan something fun for you and DS this weekend - go out and enjoy yourself and don't mope around over-thinking everything. You have everything to gain and absolutely NOTHING to lose by leaving him.

I mention that week because when he does realise you mean business, he'll try everything to get you back - promising to change, flowers, gestures, whatever - don't give in. Don't even entertain it. "I just want to talk" - NO. "Hear me out" - NO. "Just five minutes" - NO. No talking. No discussion. Just focus on the freedom you have and the kind of man you deserve.

P.S. IME the first 2 weeks are the hardest. It all gets easier and easier each day after that and before long you'll look back and think "why?/urgh!"

OP - your assessment of his behaviour there, is correct. You know what's going on...and it's high time you started listening to your own evaluation of the situation. You. Are. Right!

The problem is, you keep allowing him to turn things on their head so you are left questioning yourself.
I have no doubt whatsoever that throughout your relationship, when he presents his stance, he will seem perfectly logical and rational to you, and you end up thinking "maybe he's got a point" and "yeah he's right...I DO do that" and he will be very convincing indeed...to the point where you will accept that you are to blame...either wholly or partially.

Manipulative people are very good at that. They are incredibly driven to find the angle to come in at that will allow them to regain control of the situation. This is why it is really difficult for people to extract themselves from abusive relationships.

The problem with it is, is that he is absolutely convinced that he is in the right. He models his relationships on his parents because that is what he has learned. Therefore, he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour - he views it as normal and acceptable, and no amount of protest from you, or attempts to make his see differently will have any effect on that. He will possibly make noises about changing or seeing your pov for as long as it takes for you to shut up and get back in line, then he will carry on as before. This is because deep within himself, he genuinely believes that his conduct is just fine.

Well you know it isn't, and you have got to start listening to yourself! Look at all these people here backing you up! We ALL agree with you! ALL of us!

I agree that he is trying to make you sweat, and will be hoping if he stonewalls you for long enough you will be so overwrought you will drop the whole thing.

Don't.

There's no way he thinks you mean this.

I tend to agree. In his head he'll be thinking that if he leaves you for a short while you'll "calm down" and then he'll be able to knock on your door and be allowed back in. After all, he'll think, that worked fine in the past.

It does sound realistic.

and it means it is down to you to not get sucked back in.

he is probably expecting that you cant live without him and he can magnanimously forgive you and graciously permit you to resume servicing him (in every sense of the word...)

you are the one who is going to have to not let that happen.

I agree that he may not be taking it seriously. If he hasn't collected his stuff by Sunday, text him saying ' if you don't collect your stuff by the end of the week, it goes in the bin'.

Well he's just text saying he didn't mean for this to happen and he just wants me to be nice to him but that I don't get it.

The thing is I AM nice to him. I'm bit saying I'm perfect but the only time that I'm not nice is when he lies to me and breaks his promises/lets me down.

Stay strong OP. He does not deserve you. You and your dc deserve more than him.xx

Of course he would say that. He is like a child. You cook for him do his washing etc etc. Please just be nice to him whilst he is treating you like a doormat....and then you can just carry on as you are.

He doesn't think you mean it.

He sounds pathetic....what a turn off.

Don't keep the cycle going....it's down to you Dolly.

I think you 'get it' perfectly well.

The message he is basically conveying to you is this...

I want you to accept whatever I choose to dish out to you without complaint. You should not expect anything from me unless I choose to give it. Do not critisise my bad behaviour...you have no right to decide how you want to be treated. Do not stand up for yourself. Your role is to serve me and do as you are told.

That is what he means by 'be nice to me'.

He is not even slightly interested in being nice to you though. All he can see is what he thinks you should be doing for him. He hasn't a notion of what he should be doing for you in return.

It's all about him. What he expects and wants from a relationship. Your needs and opinions are superfluous. His are priority.

Do you see what I mean?

"He just wants me to be nice to him"????!!!!!!!

Treat you like dirt more like!!

Stay strong. Do you have any plans this w/e? If not, get on the phone and book in a lunch with friends/meet at the park to play/film and take away at yours or whatever. Surround yourself with friends/family and don't go back!!

Well done Dolls. Stay strong.

"he didn't mean for this to happen" = he thought he'd be able to push you a lot further before the free meals, sex , and emotional punchbag disappeared this time.

"he just wants me to be nice to him"= he just wants you to shut up and continue to provide free food, sex and emotional punchbag duties without complaint and without actually having any control over your own life.

Doesn't matter what he wants or what he meant. You are in charge now.

Don't respond, don't argue, don't explain, don't let him in. You now have the opportunity to make plans for you and DS this evening , doing what you both want and eating when you like.

"I didn't mean for this to happen"

Translation...I didn't expect this to happen. You're supposed to be my doormat, and I am astonished and dismayed that you have stopped!

He just wants you to be nice to him = He doesn't want his cosy, convenient set up imploding.

You've done brilliantly so far. Stay strong OP

Well done OP. Stay strong! My first thought reading your OP was a secret other life or relationship.

He means that he wants you to continue to cook for him, wash for him, be his company when he decides he wants it, never ever utter a word of complaint or a request or demand, be thankful for his mere presence on your sofa, fall to your knees in worship, never expect that he will participate in any sort of family life or contribute financially to the running of the home that he thinks is his personal hotel and smile at all times. (please tell me you don't give him a 'few quid here and there' or that he doesn't run up phone or internet useage bills at your house?)

Oh, and have sex with him when he requires it of course.

Now, if that's ok with you, you're a big girl and that's your choice.

But it seems like you are being treated like a fool to me.

'Just wants me to be nice to him'

Oh the poor man. My heart bleeds for him.

Amazing how he can turn it all around in his head, making out that he's the reasonable one. He obviously won't admit that he could possibly be in the wrong.

Stay strong, don't engage and definitely follow previous suggestions of making some positive plans for yourself- something to look forward to.