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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

435 replies

Dollslikeyouandme · 22/01/2014 20:13

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

OP posts:
nobeer · 25/01/2014 12:21

Oh deary me. He really does seem to have some problems understanding the situation, doesn't he? Don't let him grind you down, stay strong and do what you want. You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. You're in control.

pictish · 25/01/2014 12:32

I think he fully expects to have firm control of the situation, and plans to trample over the top of anything you have to say about it.
He isn't taking you even remotely seriously, because in his head he's the boss, and he'll be the one to decide what happens thanks very much, not you.

You're right - he is absolutely playing you.

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2014 12:47

So what if he wants to speak with you? You don't have to do what he says.

So what if he's preparing to move in with you? It's your house and he's not welcome.

He's trying to get back under your skin, but he's not even being nice and promising to change - he's telling you YOU have to change!

You do not have to engage with him. Do not speak with him, do not get into a text debate. Please. This man will wear you down and make your life a misery. As Pictish said earlier, this is the hard part. Get through this next week or so and you will feel euphoric, I promise. Euphoric and probably absolutely fucking furious that you've put up with being treated like some sub human who only exists to serve him.

The best way to deal with him is to go no contact. It'll be like leaving a cult, you have to adjust to a new normal. If you haven't already, give him a deadline to collect his stuff (bin day would be good) and tell him not to contact you again, any further contact will be considered harassment. Then that's it. There's nothing else you have to say to him, no further responsibility you have for him. He is a grown man with his own house, he can take care of himself. You are a woman with children to care for, he should have been looking after you, equally. He wasn't and he's telling you loud and clear he never will.

You will be so much happier without him. Your life will be so much fuller.

ChasedByBees · 25/01/2014 12:53

Sorry for the epic post, it made me so angry.

I had an ex who made me feel responsible for his happiness. He wouldn't eat unless I cooked for him (towards the end I stopped and this 6 ft man dropped to 8.5 stone). I had to pay the rent and all bills (I was a FT student with two night time jobs, he was working).

I felt entirely responsible for his happiness and it totally drained me. I was a wreck when I finally kicked him out, I developed agoraphobia. He was fine, he moved onto the next poor woman - I remember being relieved that I didn't have to feel I had to look after him anymore - I was that indoctrinated! It passed quickly enough and I felt so soooo much better without him.

15 years on and I still feel total anger when I think of him.

If it helps, make that full list of all his most worthless traits. We're reacting like this from the very little you've told us. That's bad enough to get this reaction.

UrethraFranklin · 25/01/2014 13:02

He sounds like an immature prick. I wouldn't speak to him, ignore any contact. He's used to getting what he wants and he just can't believe his puppet has cut the strings.

not saying you're a puppet but you get the jist

UrethraFranklin · 25/01/2014 13:03

And yes, stick with your guns and not long from now, you'll wonder why you stayed with him and put up with him for so long.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 25/01/2014 13:49

If he keeps trying to claim things/money for things, just give him an invoice for what he's cost you in food, time, electricity etc with a seven day deadline for payment.

Please either block his number or change yours. He will try to wear you down with texts and calls.

Cerisier · 25/01/2014 14:03

Stop texting him, text him once more. Your belongings are on the doorstep, if they are not collected by tomorrow evening I will dispose of them, do not contact me again.

This is what you need to do.

Sa88yt1ts · 25/01/2014 14:38

You can do this dolls....we are all behind you...like so many of others have said, you MUST limit contact. One last message, that's it. Stay strong, we know you can do it.x

MinkBernardLundy · 25/01/2014 15:03

If he calls hang up. if he calls again unplug the phone.
Seriously,.take control, you are not the bad guy you are allowed to leave a useless rs. you not engaging with him is his just desserts.

block.him or change his number on your phone to unflushable turd or some thing similar

he will not go and treat someone else better . he will not treat you better. he will just carry on bring exactly the same draining useless parasite whoever he is with.

Don't let him.drag you in by making accusations that you feel.you have to defend or promises you hope he might keep. who gives a fuck what he thinks. he is a prick. it does not matter what your ex thinks of you it only matters that he stays your ex.

Write a list of all the shitty useless things about him. pin it to the wall and look at it any time you do much think about speaking to him and than thank your lucky stars he is no longer your problem..

No contact. it is the way to go.

missymarmite · 25/01/2014 15:16

How is it going, OP? Please don't let this man back into your life! Been there done that, etc. you've been given some fantastic advice on here.

And who cares if you are being the bad guy anyway? Think of it like this. Be Like Halle Betty's cat woman. She was too meek and look what happened to her; murdered! Then she turned into a powerful femme fatale, and all the men fancied her!

Ok I know that's fantasy but it has an element if truth. No woman got anywhere she wanted by being nice all the time. Sexy, fair minded, strong, yes! Meek, mild and timid, no!

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2014 15:17

Sit and plan all the things you can do with your DS, with the money you'll be saving on food now you won't be feeding that loser!

You're doing really well. Just follow the advice the other MNetters have given you. And keep reminding yourself that you're worth much more than an idiot like him.

missymarmite · 25/01/2014 15:17

*halle berry's

WhatAFeline · 25/01/2014 18:47

Hello Dolls, I've been following your thread and I just came on to say please don't give up, you have done so well so far. You've had some very good advice on this thread, and all of MN is behind you. I'm thinking of you and beaming strength and support to you.

43percentburnt · 26/01/2014 07:12

Hello dolls, you are doing very well.

Do what pp have sad re texting him saying collect your stuff by x date. Do not contact me again.

Do not engage with him. Don't read his texts, they will infuriate you. My ex would bombard me with abusive messages, I remember the anxiety I would feel when his name came up as a text.

Sa88yt1ts · 26/01/2014 09:34

Are you okay dolls? X

Divinity · 26/01/2014 10:08

Dolls as he realizes that you mean business he will become nice, reasonable and lovely. These are tactics on his part to reel you back in. They never last long. Just enough sweet so you will endure all the sour.

The fact he is doing those jobs says he has started the nice campaign. Detach as much as you can. Limit contact with him. You are seeing his real character and are still processing all that. Be kind to yourself, ring your friends for a chat, get yourself out doing things you enjoy. All this will help you get perspective on his manipulation.

Emotionally its a rollercoaster, you'll have days thst you doubt yourself. This is just the withdrawal from his manipulation. It gets better and your life will become calmer and more enjoyable. Stick in there, you're doing great.

WhatAFeline · 26/01/2014 12:42

How are you doing today, Dolls?

Shutupanddrive · 26/01/2014 12:49

Checking in for any update? Stay strong

SlimJiminy · 27/01/2014 09:12

How have things been for the last few days op ? Hope you're ok.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 27/01/2014 09:16

Just wanted to say that if you have chosen to let him back in, please don't be embarrassed to come back to the thread if you need help or support. It can be very difficult to leave a manipulative man. They can convince you up is down and black is white.

So if the reason you have disappeared, is that he talked you into giving it another go, please know that you will get nothing but support whatever your choice because people do understand how hard it can be when they get inside your head.

xx

WetDogLovesHubert · 27/01/2014 09:43

Delurking in the hopes of an update. I hope you're ok Dolls.

oldgrandmama · 27/01/2014 10:12

Dolls, I was thinking of you in the early hours this morning, when I couldn't sleep. I hope you're OK and I hope you haven't let that creepy shit back into your life and home.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 27/01/2014 11:16

I read through the whole of the thread and got increasingly angry and now I'm worrying as well.

Whoever described this specimen as a tic got it bang on the money. All take and no thought for his host. He's undermining you and your feelings Dolls to the point of making you think you're worthless.
Why on earth would you worry about anyone else having him, they're only going to find the same problems.

You're grieving not for what you have with him, but for what you wished you had with him.
And he's an appalling role model for your DS.

I hope you've let him know that his stuff's in the porch for a limited time only and after that you'll consider it abandoned and dump it outside.
Citizens Advice will probably put you right on what you need to do to stay within the law.

The fact that he's not taken on board that you've said it's over but that he will only speak about it in his own time, is more controlling behaviour from him and has given me the rage. I hope it's given you the same feelings Dolls, you deserve better and you know you do.

Only1scoop · 27/01/2014 11:33

Dolls has dissapeared....hope she is ok.