Aibu to expect to know what time he's coming over?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

A lot of a backstory, boyfriend of 5 years, don't live together but he's round mine more often than not.

He comes over anytime between 6 and half 8. Depending on what time he finishes work, whether he goes home first to shower or showers here etc.

I make him tea when he comes, everyday I finish work, I have to sort evening meal for myself and my son. Boyfriend never gives me a courtesy call to say what time he will be over. I'd like to know as then I can decide whether to hang on to make tea, whether to make two meals, leave his in oven or whatever.

When I ring to ask him he either ignores me or texts me saying 'normal time', which could mean anytime.

Sometimes he decides at 5.30 that he's not even coming.

If I just don't bother making him anything then I'm wrong too

Aibu?

Don't bin his stuff yet, but give him a deadline, as BlueGoddess suggests.

As for talking, just text back: I have no wish to talk to you. It's over. There is nothing more to say.

Don't answer if he calls.

He has got no intentions of collecting it though, he's leaving it here ready for when he comes back.

He won't believe I'll bin it today tomorrow or anytime so it won't make a difference.

The difference it makes is that it gives you the moral highground. Binning his stuff with no warning could be considered theft. Binning his stuff having given him a very clear deadline= reasonable, and shows that you mean what you say. Honestly better to do it this way- don't give him ammunition to make you out as a hysterical woman.

I'm delurking to say how brilliant I think you are being, Dolls, and how impressed I am at your actions - well done and hurrah for you!

I've been following the thread since the beginning with a sinking feeling - I have a RL friend who is (sort-of) going through the same thing, except she isn't ready to see the full extent of her partner's behaviour (long story, but controlling, belittling, destroying her stuff, etc) and I keep hoping she'll LTB but she never does. I don't want to lose her as a friend by saying 'you're being an idiot and he'll never change' cos then I'll just be helping with his plan to isolate her, but sometimes I just want to shake her. .

Your courage and fortitude in ending the relationship and sticking to your guns gives me hope that my RL friend might one day do this also, so thank you, and I'm cheering you on :)

Sorry I'm just so angry I could cry he's trying to act like he's oh so reasonable.

*dolls stop. stop now. do not talk to him tonight. do not send him any more texts . ignore ignore and ignore some more.

He sounds just like my cocklodging waste of space emotionally abusive parasitic wanker of an x. he was an unflushable little turd. too.

Thatis how you need to think of him and nasty stinky little turd that is floating around on thebowl long after it was asked to leave. it us never going t turn into something appealing.

Yes you are sad. sad because you had hopes and plans that he was never going to fulfill
Part if you probably wants to continue the conversation because you hate endings because you are hoping he will realise and give you the apology you so richly deserve (he won't ) or that he will change and soared you the grief of feeling duped and of finding someone else. a turd is not capable of turning into a diamond not matter how much you polish it.

So stop. Think JADE do not justify, argue, defend or engage . you owe him nothing. ignore him and eventually he will get flushed away.

Spare not soared.

Yes, an unflushable turd! What a great way of picturing him.

Dolls, is there any way you can turn your mobile off and go out for the day? Just go for a complete change of scene, round to a friend's or out to the cinema or whatever. Don't read any more texts, don't answer the phone to him.

I can't explain it but it feels like he plays me.

So like he wants to talk, but on his terms when it suits him.

He's 'busy' doing some things, the things he's doing are things which he needed to do ready to move in, so is he suggesting he's still moving in?

He refuses to give any response about collecting his things, and when I do give him a deadline and threaten with the bin if he doesn't get them by the deadline, he says I'm attacking him.

I know I'm falling for it all, I know I am. But it's easier said to disengage, I'm emotionally involved and angry, and I know how he works, so I already know what he's playing at and I will be the bad guy no matter what I do.

Doing things he needed to do to move in? He is starting to sound even creepier. He is seriously busting your boundaries

Just be the bad guy then. There is no reasoning with a character like this

Thanks mink.

I'm waiting in for a parcel but once it's here I can go out. Might see what's on at the cinema later with ds.

Unfortunately I haven't got any friends close enough I can just call on short notice. My family aren't great either so I'm on my own I'm afraid.

Think I do need to get out as this is taking up too much headspace and I'm getting a headache.

He hasn't said that Jupiter but he text saying he'll ring me tonight as he's busy doing x. Y and z which were things he was sorting out in his own house ready to move out.

Dont talk to him if you dont feel you are strong enough to not cave in in desperate hope that his bullshit is real.

text him saying do not call me I do not wish to speak to you. This relationship is over. Your belongings are alrrady outside. If you choose not to get them by tomorrow evening, I will throw them away. If you choose not to believe this, you will only lose your belongings.

Re the electrical item - who gave it to the pair of you? If it was any relative of his - give it to him because they would have made that gift no matter who you were, it was to him. Iyswim.

if it was someone on your side, its yours because no matter who you were moving it with, it would still have been given.

or give it directly back to the giver on the grounds you are no longer moving in together. They can then do what they like with it.

DO NOT give him another penny. You are financially rewarding him for treating you like shit.

If he comes to the door and wont leave.............. Call the police.

Its the quickest recorse

So what if he wants to twist it in his mind into you being the bad guy? You know the truth.

people treat you how you allow them to treat you. Be proud of yourself for standing up for yourself and calling time on being used by a manipulative sponger.

Dolls don't dance to his tune anymore....

Flipping nora!

Well done Dolls, you are doing really well.

I think the key to getting rid of twatty selfish bastards is not to engage. Like the others say, bin day is XXX, come and collect your stuff or it goes out with the rubbish. Ignore text messages, phone calls and the doorbell.

With any luck he will go and crawl under a stone. Where he belongs!

You sound lovely by the way and far too good for this utter waste of space!!!

Do not answer the phone tonight. Just do not. No matter how many times he calls. Speaking to him will not help you in any way. He is trying to bully and manipulate you - whatever you say, only his interpretation of it and his reality count. The only way to defend yourself is not to engage at all. Do not answer.

Who cares if he thinks you're in the wrong? You know you're not. Everyone here knows you're not. His judgement is totally skewed. Ignore it.

Stop texting him, text him once more.
Your belongings are on the doorstep, if they are not collected by tomorrow evening I will dispose of them, do not contact me again.

Then block and delete his number or change yours.

Do not engage further, this is what he wants.

text him:

'your things are in the porch. you've got til monday morning to fetch them and then i will be disposing of them. do not contact me again.'

then BLOCK his number. when he tries to text / call he'll see you mean business.

once your parcel is here go out for as much of the weekend as you can.

you have to not engage - he's going to try and get you to respond. he'll try everything he can. expect all sorts. outrage, how you are unreasonable. then he'll try and sweet talk you. flowers, he'll change. now he knows what he's lost blah blah blah. then he'll probably get angry when you don't take him back.

don't forget - he's standing to lose a lot by you breaking up with him. you stand to lose nothing. you are in the position of power here.

"He'll ring me tonight"

You do know that you DONT have to answer his calls or engage with him.
Stop letting him call the shots.

He is out of your life- concentrate on yourself and your DS .

So...you tell him it's over...and his response is to bash on with moving in!
What is wrong with this picture here doll - tell me?