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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner because he wont stop smoking.

103 replies

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:29

Long story short: From day one he knew my feelings towards it.
He didnt smoke when we got together. But took it up around about a year ago, lied about it to begin with but then told me. (His family smoke so its completely normal, mine don't and have always been against it)
I really hate it, i hate how it makes him smell, i hate that whilst he doesn't smoke in front of me, other people are not so respectful and if im honest i doubt he is to others, he just doesn't do it infront of me because he knows i don't like it. The cost, the potential threat on his health.
My concern is whilst he maybe only smokes 5-10 now, will that be 20 in a few years time. Will i come home one day and hes smoked in the house. What about when we have children. Etc.
I really dislike it, we've had a few ups and downs recently and i think this is just tipping the balance, i don't think i can put up with it anymore. If there was something in this relationship that made him so unhappy i'd try my damned hardest to change it.
Would it be unreasonable to say you quit or i'm leaving?

OP posts:
Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:31

The title is not entirely far. He says he is going to quit. Just not yet. And he doesnt understand why it bothers me. His words 'i dont do it in front of you'

What will be different in the future i dont know.

OP posts:
following · 21/01/2014 20:31

yanbu , if he started this after you got together , i think its very selfish of him knowing how much you hate it .

emsyj · 21/01/2014 20:32

Smoking is something that I just cannot bear, I would never want to be with a smoker - so to me, YAtotallyNBU. Interested to see what others say - this would be 101% a deal breaker for me, urgh, I couldn't stand it!

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 21/01/2014 20:32

I don't think you'd be unreasonable. You've made it very clear you don't like it and whilst you can't dictate to an adult what they can and can't do, it sounds like you've just reached tipping point.
If you're not happy move on. I don't mean to sound trite, but life is too short for dithering when you're not happy.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 21/01/2014 20:32

It would be a deal breaker for me, tbh.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/01/2014 20:33

On the basis that this started after you got together YANBU.

Fairylea · 21/01/2014 20:33

Yanbu.

It's one of the reasons I ended up splitting up with my ex dh. I hated everything about it and could smell it in the house and on him and I couldn't stand it.

I'm sure you'll get loads of replies saying yabu but I think if like me you really, really can't stand it then it is a definite deal breaker if he won't quit. (My ex quit twice and then started again and said he didn't want to quit so that was that).

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/01/2014 20:34

He TOOK UP smoking as an adult?

The big fucking eejit. I'd dump him for being so stupid.

Smoking is really gross and stinky.

OddBoots · 21/01/2014 20:34

You obviously feel strongly, you're not married and don't have children - if you want to leave then leave.

He's taken up an unsocial and expensive habit knowing your feelings so he either thinks smoking is more important than you or is playing games to test you.

YuffietheNinja · 21/01/2014 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 21/01/2014 20:35

I don't think it matters whether we think it's unreasonable or not. I think you've made up your mind.

He does respect you to the extent that he doesn't do it around you.

But I think that you don't respect him for choosing to smoke. I don't really blame you for that, actually. It's a stupid, pointless wasteful activity.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/01/2014 20:35

Hmm. If you hate it that much, and there are other things about him that annoy you as well then dump him by all means. it's fine to end a relationship that you are unhappy with.

However, you do sound a bit bossy and controlling. He doesn't have to obey you. Smoking is a habit that some people dislike but it's not illegal. And it's generally not a great idea to piss and moan and nag at someone to stop doing something s/he enjoys just because you dislike it. By the sound of it he is careful to minimize the impact on you eg he doesn't smoke in the house or in front of you. Do you insist on having your own way over other things, regardless of his opinion?

TodayIsAGoodDay · 21/01/2014 20:36

YANBU, particularly as he didn't smoke when you met. Whether you decide to leave him really depends on how many ties there are already in the relationship eg children, marriage, mortgage etc.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:36

Yes join. When we got together he had a cigar at christmas and that was it. I knew smoking didnt bother him, thats hes not against it. But ive always made it clear my feelings towards it. I have pointed out if he did smoke then we never would have got together.

Im glad im not being unreasonable. Life is very stressful atm and i thought maybe just being stressed was twisting my perception of it and that maybe i should just get on and ignore it.

OP posts:
Crowler · 21/01/2014 20:38

Smoking would probably drive me to leave my husband (if he started after we were together). I could not abide this.

Don't have children with him until this matter is 100% resolved, that's my advice (I'm sure everyone else's too).

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:39

Solid, this is partly the problem. I love him to pieces, ive put up with some shit because i love him so much and i guess this is the final straw. I dont dictate anything. I have even dictated to him to stop, ive expressed my feelings.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 21/01/2014 20:39

TBH if the relationship was otherwise wonderful, you'd probably be capable of getting over yourself his smoking.
But you say you've 'always made your feelings clear' - is it possible that you have gone on and on and on about it so much that he took it up just to annoy you? People who are really tediously obsessed with forbidding something that a partner isn't actually doing may well find that the partner rebels out of sheer irritation at the constant whining.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:39

*havent

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 21/01/2014 20:39

Yanbu, if you feel that strongly the relationship will not work.

I was going to say yabu until I read that it was after you got together.

iggymama · 21/01/2014 20:40

I could not be with a smoker. Aside from the health risks and the cost, I just hate the smell.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:40

Im not so sure solid. I've made it clear in the sense that whenever we have ended up talking about it ive not danced about the fact i dislike it. Until he started smoking it never really came up in convo.

OP posts:
Oubliette0292 · 21/01/2014 20:41

YANBU - smoking would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand smoking. I even make my dad smoke outside when I visit him.

NewtRipley · 21/01/2014 20:42

Do you feel like you're the adult and he's a child in the relationship?

Notaddictedtosugar · 21/01/2014 20:42

YANBU. I don't think I could live with a smoker either.

Poloholo · 21/01/2014 20:42

Yanbu. Smoking is a deal breaker for me.

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