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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner because he wont stop smoking.

103 replies

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:29

Long story short: From day one he knew my feelings towards it.
He didnt smoke when we got together. But took it up around about a year ago, lied about it to begin with but then told me. (His family smoke so its completely normal, mine don't and have always been against it)
I really hate it, i hate how it makes him smell, i hate that whilst he doesn't smoke in front of me, other people are not so respectful and if im honest i doubt he is to others, he just doesn't do it infront of me because he knows i don't like it. The cost, the potential threat on his health.
My concern is whilst he maybe only smokes 5-10 now, will that be 20 in a few years time. Will i come home one day and hes smoked in the house. What about when we have children. Etc.
I really dislike it, we've had a few ups and downs recently and i think this is just tipping the balance, i don't think i can put up with it anymore. If there was something in this relationship that made him so unhappy i'd try my damned hardest to change it.
Would it be unreasonable to say you quit or i'm leaving?

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 22/01/2014 00:12

Smokers do much better in relationships with other smokers IME. They are both on the same page, the whole issue of health risks, smell etc is negated because they both do it. It is a big issue if you differ on this and I am another one in the camp of 'couldn't live with a smoker'.

I get the point that he's an adult and can make his own choices, but smoking is not a harmless habit that has no effect on those around him. He is going to be imposing risks on you and your child if you live together, plus the burden of what it costs, the risk to his health and you having to pick up the slack if he becomes ill as a result. Weighing it up like that, it is a lot to ask someone to put up with - and you have said that you have already had doubts over the relationship. I think YANBU to make this a deal breaker.

caruthers · 22/01/2014 02:07

To be honest it doesn't sound like you like him that much anyway.
I smoke and if anyone TOLD me I had to stop they'd be out the door.

BratinghamPalace · 22/01/2014 02:24

Everyone is ignoring the impact cigarette smoking has on mood. Most smokers I know are really contrary. Any one noticed that? I would really struggle with a smoker. It is foul on every level. Emotional, financial, physical. You are living with an addict without the sympathy!

caruthers · 22/01/2014 02:41

I have always found a great many non smokers tetchy and irritable.

TamerB · 22/01/2014 06:28

I would rather have someone tetchy and irritable than put up with a smoker- I don't think they realise how vile they smell. ( not that I find non smokers tetchy and irritable). Kissing would be horrible and I don't know how you conduct a relationship if you have to send them off outside to smoke, I am not even prepared to stay next to them when smoking outside.

littlepurplealien · 22/01/2014 06:36

YWNBU to leave him although your grounds might be questionable

Yes, smokers smell of stale smoke, even if the "smoke outside". It's unpleasant for non smokers and I don't think I could take up with a smoker because of the smell when you are up close/kissing.

However, I'd be questioning our future together on the grounds of his intellectual capacity. Who takes up smoking as an adult, knowing all the facts and not being a "desperately trying to look cool and fit in teenager" ? Serious mismatch of intellectual compatibility would be my grounds for LTB.

Surely if he had to choose between you and fags, he'd pick you ?

TamerB · 22/01/2014 06:41

Just give him the straight choice, it is better to know now than be in the same situation several years down the line.

flowery · 22/01/2014 06:58

As an adult he presumably knows that

a) smoking is addictive
b) almost half of smokers die of smoking-related diseases
c) it's expensive
d) it's smelly
e) his partner really dislikes it

Any grown adult who chooses to take up smoking in those circumstances isn't showing much respect for their partner or themselves and you've got to wonder about their intellectual capacity tbh

CityTiliDie · 22/01/2014 07:09

many years ago my GF gave me the ultimatum of quitting the fags or she wanted nothing more to do with me.

I quit, we have been together for 14 years now.

It was worth it. Grin

maras2 · 22/01/2014 09:19

Do all places of work have fag breaks? Are they timed or just random? Do non smokers get equal time out? I've been retired for a while so rather out of touch but when I worked it was in a hospital so no fag breaks there < imagine the smell when the smokers returned to a clean and clinical environment >. OP if all other ways to get him to stop have failed then I don't think that it's unreasonable of you to consider leaving. Good luck.

Greydog · 22/01/2014 09:29

When I started seeing my DH he was a smoker, but I told him that I hated it, made my dad so ill, that he stopped. Just quit. He occasionally has a cigar but not in the house or car.

Onesleeptillwembley · 22/01/2014 09:39

Filthy! I couldn't touch him with a barge pole, nor could I respect him. Yadnbu. Get rid - he sounds a loser.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 22/01/2014 09:48

Chuck him. I went out with someone who pretended to quit. Didn't smoke in front of me, ate copious amounts of mints etc.

We were together only 4 years and he never actually quit, so I finished it.

Smoking's vile and I wouldn't waste my time with a selfish smoker.

Life is too short!

Fancyashandy · 22/01/2014 09:48

I worked in a shop a long long time ago in my youth for a little while. Would piss me off that the smokers always got to stop for a fag break (and some social chit chat). Bought some candy fags one day and stood with them, they weren't impressed. So literally the smokers got about half an hour smoke break each day whilst the non smokers had to suck it up.

Topaz25 · 22/01/2014 10:14

It sounds like you are putting most of the effort into the relationship, he should also make compromises and sacrifices to make things work and if he is not willing to give up smoking that shows his priorities. Personally, I couldn't go out with a smoker because I would worry about their health, my dad died of emphysema. I would be frustrated that they were putting their health at risk and wasting money, not to mention the smell! It does affect you and he knew your feelings about it before he started.

randomAXEofkindness · 22/01/2014 10:44

"I have always found a great many non smokers tetchy and irritable."

Maybe your smoking pisses them off caruthers.

It looks highly likely that there are serious health implications to third-hand smoke. Smoking outside is better than smoking inside, but his skin, hair, and clothes are probably a health hazard in themselves. Does he touch your child?

Personally I don't find the stink of smoke on a man a turn off (grew up in a chain smoking household). It's the stinking attitude that I don't like. So many things about smoking - harming other people's health, spending family money etc - are incredibly obnoxious. Dh used to smoke. He knows it would be a deal breaker if he took it up again. I would never have had children with a smoker.

ViviPru · 22/01/2014 10:54

flowery's comment sums up my thoughts...
"Any grown adult who chooses to take up smoking in those circumstances isn't showing much respect for their partner or themselves and you've got to wonder about their intellectual capacity tbh"

It's just a bit... stupid really and that alone would be a dealbreaker for me, before we even start on the smell/cost/long term risk.

Also, if ALL his friends and family smoke, and NONE of your family/social circle do, then I think you're coming at life from two very different places, culturally and values-wise, and the smoking might be the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes that contrast can work well in a relationship, but often it doesn't, as is already evidenced here.

GogoGobo · 22/01/2014 12:21

YANBU smoking is disgusting

FryOneFatManic · 22/01/2014 12:44

Smoking isn't the only issue here. The Op's posts have mentioned ups and downs that have been worked through but with most of the effort on her part.

OP YANBU. If this relationship is requiring this much effort now, then feel free to walk away. You are only 21, plenty of time to find a nice, non-smoker.

Pretty much all of my family of my parents generation smoke (or did before they died).

Very, very few of my own generation or younger actually smoke. Only my brother smokes. Smoking would be a deal-breaker for me, I couldn't live with one.

Lemonfairydust · 22/01/2014 13:14

YANBU if it started after you got together. My partner smoked for most of our relationship and I never realised how much it bothered me until he quit (Which he did of his own accord once we had ds). I don't think I could ever live with a smoker again.

MomsStiffler · 22/01/2014 13:40

I think you should leave him - sounds best for both of you. You can find another partner that doesn't smoke & he can find one that won't mind.

Happy all round!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 22/01/2014 13:41

Yanbu. I truly hate smoking and the selfish attitude of those who no only disregard their own health but also endanger those around them. Leave him. You don't need this loser dying of lung cancer and dragging you down in years to come.

itsnotthateasy · 22/01/2014 17:50

No, YANBU .. If he knew how much you hated it then took up smoking its bit odd . .

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 22/01/2014 17:55

YANBU, I wonder if he smoked all along (and hid it) but just got lazy about hiding it?

I don't like people covered in smoke around my babies. I really wouldn't like the fact that my children are more likely to take up smoking do to a smoking parent.

PleaseJustLeaveYourBrotherAlon · 22/01/2014 17:55

*due to