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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner because he wont stop smoking.

103 replies

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:29

Long story short: From day one he knew my feelings towards it.
He didnt smoke when we got together. But took it up around about a year ago, lied about it to begin with but then told me. (His family smoke so its completely normal, mine don't and have always been against it)
I really hate it, i hate how it makes him smell, i hate that whilst he doesn't smoke in front of me, other people are not so respectful and if im honest i doubt he is to others, he just doesn't do it infront of me because he knows i don't like it. The cost, the potential threat on his health.
My concern is whilst he maybe only smokes 5-10 now, will that be 20 in a few years time. Will i come home one day and hes smoked in the house. What about when we have children. Etc.
I really dislike it, we've had a few ups and downs recently and i think this is just tipping the balance, i don't think i can put up with it anymore. If there was something in this relationship that made him so unhappy i'd try my damned hardest to change it.
Would it be unreasonable to say you quit or i'm leaving?

OP posts:
SugarMiceInTheRain · 21/01/2014 20:43

YANBU, given that he knows your feelings about it and he didn't smoke when you got together. I just couldn't have a smoker as a partner. I hate how the smell clings to everything, and the smoker always thinks they don't smell and that other people can't tell Hmm So it'd be a deal breaker for me too.

Floggingmolly · 21/01/2014 20:44

How old is he? Confused. I've never heard of anyone who started to smoke as an adult.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:44

I'm not entirely sure what you mean newt?

OP posts:
Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:45

We're both 21.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 21/01/2014 20:45

I mean that you sound fed up with him. Smoking seems irresponsible - a bit childish, and you referred to putting up with things from him - maybe other ways he's been irresponsible?

Didn't mean to imply you were mothering him!

wilbur · 21/01/2014 20:47

I fell for the "I will give up, just not yet" line. I hated it and it took 10 years for him to quit. And then he had a few cigs recently as he's joined a new company where the people who work there are younger, invincible, etc etc. I love my dh, but smoking has definitely affected our relationship and made me respect him less. If you have the chance to walk away and find a different, better future, do it.

WooWooOwl · 21/01/2014 20:47

I was ready to say YABU, but it's very different if he didn't smoke when you met him.

Tbh, I'd be wondering how stupid he can possibly be. I'm a smoker and everyone I know who smokes started as a young teenager, when they can be forgiven for not knowing any better. But to actually start smoking as an adult? What was he thinking!?

missymarmite · 21/01/2014 20:47

This sums it up for me:

He TOOK UP smoking as an adult?

The big fucking eejit. I'd dump him for being so stupid.

If he had been a smoker when you met YWBU, but in this case, YADNBU!

QuintessentialShadows · 21/01/2014 20:48

Yanbu. He is a numpty with no regards nor respect to his own health, and yours.

I guess he does not realize how badly he smells, and how bad his clothes, his hair, his breath smells to a non smoker.

It would be a total deal breaker to me.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:50

Everyone in his family smokes, everyone around him, friends, work colleagues- it started of the back of the fact that at work the only way of a guaranteed break is a fag (another issue in itself but from what i understand the reason this became a habit). Its just a normal thing that hes grown up with.
The opposite is so in my family and friends, no one smokes, no one likes it.

Yes newt, i see what you mean, yes he can/has been irresponsible at times. I had a baby very young and i often put my more 'mature' view on things down to the fact i had to grow up fast.

Thank you everyone. I thought i was just making mountains out of molehills.

OP posts:
ExcuseTypos · 21/01/2014 20:51

YANBU, he knows you feel very strongly about this yet he's chosen to take it up anyway.

Sounds like he doesn't care very much about how you feel. Doesn't bode well for the future tbh.

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2014 20:52

However, you do sound a bit bossy and controlling. He doesn't have to obey you. Smoking is a habit that some people dislike but it's not illegal. And it's generally not a great idea to piss and moan and nag at someone to stop doing something s/he enjoys just because you dislike it. By the sound of it he is careful to minimize the impact on you eg he doesn't smoke in the house or in front of you. Do you insist on having your own way over other things, regardless of his opinion?

If you loathe smoking, and you make it clear at the outset, I don't see how it's bossy or controlling to object when it's started after.
I also don't get he is careful to minimize the impact on you eg he doesn't smoke in the house or in front of you Smokers smell. Don't care where they do it, they smell. So the OP will have the smell in her home. Foul.
SINBU at all. He seems to be insisting on having his own way, knowing it's pretty much a deal breaker.

HeeHiles · 21/01/2014 20:54

I don't think he has just started - I bet he was smoking when you met and just covered it up somehow - if he comes from a family of smokers it's more realistic that he has smoked before. I have never heard of a 20 year old starting to smoke - isn't it usually about 12/13?

If that is the case he has a serious addiction and nearly impossible to just stop. Maybe suggest he goes to the GP for patches - or recommend e-cigs to help with the cravings while reducing the nicotine levels. it will take a while and you need to be in a certain frame of mind to be able to stop.

Instead of nagging and demanding (sorry don't mean to sound rude) but you need to help and support someone addicted to a drug and help them through the withdrawal.

Hope you both get there but you must be patient - unless you want to leave him anyway!

tilliebob · 21/01/2014 20:58

It would be a deal breaker for me too. I am very anti smoking having grown up with two smoking parents. One of whom never stopped and now has COPD and is hospitalised for weeks on end and has a severely limited life whilst still in his 60s Angry.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 21:02

I can see your train of thought Hee, but i'm not entirely sure he could have. We have spent many prolonged periods together (holidays etc) where he never smoked once, but since he 'started' whenever we are away he ends up going for a fag.
The smell got suddenly worse as well, which fits with when he admitted to starting and the weeks before admitting when i could smell it way more than ever before when he had been out/at his parents/at friends etc, he would just say 'x had a fag in the car' but it all fitted when he finally admitted it. Either way, when it started doesn't really make a difference to how i feel.

I barely mention it to him if i'm honest now as it ends up with him in a huff but i dont feel he even listens to me on this matter.

If he said yes i'll quit but it will take time, then well im willing to do that and help, but he just says yes im going to at some point, or just i dont understand why it bothers you. End of conversation.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 21/01/2014 21:03

I agree, anyone who starts smoking after the age of 18 is obviously a fuckwit of the highest order. Why waste you life with a fuckwit? (I'd actually put the cut off for acceptable age to start smoking as 16 at the latest, by the time you've finished your GCSEs, you're a smoker or you arent, if you are you can quit, but at that age it's far too late to start.)

I understand some people are adicted and like smoking, but if you didn't start when you were young enough to think it was cool, why the fuck would you as an adult? The obvious answer is he thinks it's cool and makes him look like a grown up. (As his family all smoke, it could well be one of those things that marks you as an adult in his family).

That level of immaturity could be seen as sweet in a 15 year old, but in someone in their 20s? God no.

OP - dump the manchild, find yourself a grown up.

DontmindifIdo · 21/01/2014 21:04

BTW - starting smoking and starting hiding it from you does smack of trying to 'rebell' against you, as if you are his mum and he's breaking the rules.

That's not a relationship dynamic that can be sucessful in the long term.

LadyBeagleEyes · 21/01/2014 21:04

I don't believe for a minute he's just started either, not if he's been surrounded by smoking all his life.
He obviously hid it from you as he knew you were so anti.

Original poster
jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 21:05

Dontmind- im not sure if your post was meant to make me laugh, but its put a smile on my face after a long day.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/01/2014 21:08

YABU as you clearly have never had to conquer an addiction.

I have an eating disorder (and am an ex smoker, gave up 18 years ago after a few attempts). I see smoking as similar, an addiction as much as a choice. Of course smoking has addition issues too slouch as the smell and passive smoking but my addictions have never been conquered by thoughts of this, the addiction takes over.

If my husband gave me an ultimatum to sort my shit out, I'd know he wasn't the right person for me.

DontmindifIdo · 21/01/2014 21:12

But Joysmum - the OP didn't start dating a smoker then tried to change him, he's decided to start doing something he knows his DP hates, she's trying to decide what to do about that.

pregnantpause · 21/01/2014 21:14

I often wish I hadSad my dh always said that he'd never be a smoking father. He isSad I was naive in believing him, and I love him so wouldn't leave him now, but I only tried to conceive with him based on this lie ,that I didn't ask of him- he said it independently and it made me think he was the right 'kind' of person. Maybe he knew it may have been a deal breaker. Neither me nor the DC see him smoke though, he doesn't do it at home or on weekends. But it does lower.his life expectancy, and cost a fortune we don't have, and these things affect me and DC and I respect him less because of it.

Yanbu

specialsubject · 21/01/2014 21:15

I don't think smoking can be compared to the serious psychiatric case of an eating disorder.

yes, hard to give up and needs help - but not the same.

the guy smells, doesn't care and most importantly, started smoking as an adult. Why bother?

Monty27 · 21/01/2014 21:17

I'm a long term smoker.

However, I'm on your side on this one. He's doing something he knows upsets you very much. And as someone said above he's an eejit for starting to smoke as an adult. That deserves dumping in it's own right.

Good luck. :(

morethanpotatoprints · 21/01/2014 21:24

YABU to blame it on the smoking as him smoking has no effect on you really.
You said you are not happy with him, have ups and downs and have gone through some shit with him. I think this is probably the reason, the smoking is your justification and your deal breaker.