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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my partner because he wont stop smoking.

103 replies

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 20:29

Long story short: From day one he knew my feelings towards it.
He didnt smoke when we got together. But took it up around about a year ago, lied about it to begin with but then told me. (His family smoke so its completely normal, mine don't and have always been against it)
I really hate it, i hate how it makes him smell, i hate that whilst he doesn't smoke in front of me, other people are not so respectful and if im honest i doubt he is to others, he just doesn't do it infront of me because he knows i don't like it. The cost, the potential threat on his health.
My concern is whilst he maybe only smokes 5-10 now, will that be 20 in a few years time. Will i come home one day and hes smoked in the house. What about when we have children. Etc.
I really dislike it, we've had a few ups and downs recently and i think this is just tipping the balance, i don't think i can put up with it anymore. If there was something in this relationship that made him so unhappy i'd try my damned hardest to change it.
Would it be unreasonable to say you quit or i'm leaving?

OP posts:

Doinmummy · 21/01/2014 21:26

I took up smoking at the age of 34. It was the most stupid thing I EvER did . I don't smoke now.

It is a vile habit and if you can't stand it and he can't/won't give up then only you know what you need to do.

anothernumberone · 21/01/2014 21:29

YANBU it would be a deal breaker for me too. I just do not like smoking, thankfully my DH feels the same as his family spent the early years of their lives convincing their parents to give up.

ImMarmite · 21/01/2014 21:29

My DH has taken up smoking again & I hate it. To make matters worse, I'm expecting.

I court him in the bathroom having a shadey fag & I blow my top!!
He's knows I hate it, he says he will stop, I believe him, I've just got to realise he'll do it when he's ready & no matter how I nag, he won't be bullied in to it...

I love my DH unconditionally & I would never consider leaving him over it

Original poster

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 21:32

His smoking affects me everytime he walks through the door. It affected (effected?) me on holiday when he would go off for 30 odd minutes leaving me alone on what was meant to be time for us to enjoy together, child free. One day, when we move in together, it will effect how much money we have.

I love him to pieces, we have had ups and downs, we have worked through them, mostly a lot of effort on my part. Ultimately no i dont want to leave even after it all but for the first time since any of this has happened i'm beginning to think that maybe i shouldn't put up with this.

OP posts:

Wantsunshine · 21/01/2014 21:34

You're young, you don't like him smoking. Sounds like the relationship isn't great anyway and this could be your reason for breaking up. I'm sure you do things he doesn't like but may be not deal breakers for him.

Monty27 · 21/01/2014 21:34

You have dc's?

Anyway, he's not the person you signed up to for a relationship. you say you love him to bits. I don't think you do. Well, only on your terms you do.

skittycat · 21/01/2014 21:35

If you want to leave him, then leave him. Don't make it about the smoking. At the end of the day, it is his choice whether to smoke or not and not yours. Yes the smell isn't nice, but if you establish a few... guidelines for it (always smokes outside, sprays himself with something nice after a cigarette, chewing gum etc) it can make the smell a bit less offensive.

My partner is a smoker, and I hate the smell and worry about the effect on his health, but at the end of the day it is his choice and I don't for a second believe that anyone in a truly happy, loving, committed relationship would leave someone over it...but that's just my opinion.

Original poster

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 21:35

I do Monty. A son from a previous relationship when i was very young.

OP posts:

skittycat · 21/01/2014 21:37

Also - why on earth does it take him 30 minutes to smoke?

HorsePetal · 21/01/2014 21:37

I couldn't live with a smoker either - zero tolerance for it and it makes no difference whether they smoke in front of you or not.

Smokers just ooze the stuff from their every pore 24/7 and I would smell it a mile off.

shallweshop · 21/01/2014 21:37

If you could walk away from this relationship just because he smokes then I think you really need to consider whether or not you really love this man. Maybe the smoking issue is the easiest thing to blame but it sounds as though there could be other problems which need addressing?

MyNameIsKenAdams · 21/01/2014 21:39

If I found out that my DH has started smoking I would be very very unhappy.

Its expensive. Makes people stink. It ruins your insides and ultimately, shortens your life.

I would leave my DH if he decided to take up smoking.

Original poster

jlb1234 · 21/01/2014 21:40

I think because he often combines it with other things, which if generally wouldnt do if he didnt have a fag but goes off to do because hes having one iygwim. I dont know.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 21/01/2014 21:43

It's a biggie jib especially when your dc needs cared for to your standards.

As I say, I'm a smoker, I know I get judged by non-smokers. By the way, I'm also single and I appreciate my habit probably contributes to that.

Wantsunshine · 21/01/2014 21:43

Thinking about it at least he is honest with you. Someone I know is very anti smoking. Her husband is a pilot and has hidden it from her for 10 years! Don't know how he does it!!

MyDarlingClementine · 21/01/2014 22:08

I feel for you, i smoked when first met DH, looking back now i was so selfish even smoked in his car on occasion and he let me.

i stopped smoking for him, he never asked me too but i understood it was really selfish to smoke as it invaded so much, me smelling, my breath, my hair, having to go out to do it..the cost, running round for fags,,,,its a big machine!

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 21/01/2014 22:15

It's quite likely given his family background and the people around him that he used to smoke and he's relapsed. I don't think anybody is ever an ex-smoker any more than anybody is an ex-alcoholic.

If you think he's worth it you could support him to give up (again) -would he maybe try an ecig? There's a great thread here you could point him at - no need to read the whole thread, he could just jump in and go 'help!' and somebody would get him started. I stopped smoking at the beginning of Oct with an ecig and it's been completely painless.

Not sure he's worth the effort though from what you have said. He doesn't know why it bothers you? Really?

TamerB · 21/01/2014 22:19

It would be a deal breaker for me, I couldn't live with a smoker.

littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2014 23:05

Oubliette0292 "YANBU - smoking would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand smoking. I even make my dad smoke outside when I visit him."

Really?? You make your dad go outside of his own home to smoke when you visit because you can't stand smoking??

Hell would have to freeze over before anyone who did not live in my home dictated that I leave because they couldn't stand what I did in my home. You cannot be serious!!!

I do not have anyone smoking in my home, but OTOH, I would never ever ask anyone to leave their house to smoke if they usually smoked indoors just because I didn't like it and I have a few friends who smoke indoors. Not once has it occurred to me to make them go outside to smoke.

You do know that you don't have to visit anyone who smokes in their home don't you??

littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2014 23:11

OP, YANBU.
It is up to you what you class as a deal breaker, irrespective of what anyone else thinks including your partner. You have made it clear to him that you cannot continue a relationship with a smoker. What he does with that information remains to be seen, but YANBU to refuse to tolerate being in a relationship with a smoker.

Bunbaker · 21/01/2014 23:18

"Smoking is a habit that some people dislike but it's not illegal."

Most bad habits are not illegal, but many of them are deal breakers in a relationship. Smoking is one, and IMO, not an unreasonable one. It is nothing to do with being bossy and controlling.

I wouldn't give a man a second look in if he smoked, no matter how attractive I thought he was. I think it is a dirty, loathsome habit and is a complete passion killer.

Fancyashandy · 21/01/2014 23:49

Morethanpotatoes -"YABU to blame it on the smoking as him smoking has no effect on you really."

Do you honestly belive that? Would be a deal breaker for me OP. Inhave no tolerance for smoking after growing up with chain smoking parents and recently nursing and watching my mum die of lung cancer. I would never have got together with a smoker, I probably wouldn't even become friends with smokers if I knew they smoked.

Fancyashandy · 21/01/2014 23:52

Littlemisssarcastic - "Really?? You make your dad go outside of his own home to smoke when you visit because you can't stand smoking?? "

If my mum had wanted me to visit with the kids then yes she had better go outside to smoke, even then I probably wouldn't visit as the house and her would be stinking of smoke. Don't think some people realise how much an aversion some folk have to it. It really makes me feel physically sick.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/01/2014 23:54

Yes, he started smoking recently and if it matters to you then leave. Tell him it's because of the smoking because it is, isn't it? It's a horrible addiction but he could stop it with the right support and some willpower.

Orlea · 22/01/2014 00:03

YANBU. DH smoked when I met him and said he has quit before and would do again. He did so twice in less than two years, i.e. started up again (always when out with his mates, funny that) and then quit for a full year, then took up e-cigs (the refillable, 'looks nothing like a real cig' type). He is much happier and so am I. Whether he was smoking at the time or not, he always hated the smell, both on himself and on others, so used to smoke outside in an old jacket to protect his clothes, have a wash as soon as he came in, and showered before bed, and still I could smell it. I never nagged but it was obvious how much I hated it, and he hated the smell too, it was just the nicotine he struggled to manage without. He gets that (a lot less, but enough) through the e-cig, and as his work don't allow them to be 'smoked' inside, he still gets his fag breaks.

That said, if he ever started smoking again, he'd be taking showers before being in the same room as me, let alone before bed. I am getting ever more intolerant of the stench in my old age

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