to propose to dp without speaking to his parents first?

[smuggler]

Obviously tradition dictates the man asks the womans father for his daughters hand in marriage. What about when women propose to men? Is it rude to do it without speaking to his parents first? We get on great, but would like it to be a complete surprise for everyone if possible.

DH did speak to my dad, but I think most people don't thesedays, I think its among the old-fashioned traditions

posted too soon - do what YOU want, what makes YOU happy, how YOU want it to be - not what you feel anyone else (them, society) thinks or expects.

Oh, and good luck!
Hope he says yes and don't want to see you on any bridezilla or MIL threads in the future!

His mother is the main player here: she'll want to negotiate access to future DGC before giving her blessing. Try bringing a large box of Thornton's Vienna truffles when you approach her, and ask if you may call her 'Mum'.

Does anyone really ask parents these days? - I was married over 30 years ago (first time) and my fiance certainly didn't ask my father for 'my hand in marriage'. I think I would have been rather insulted if he had spoken to my father before asking me, assuming I was a piece of property being passed from my father to my husband .

You're not allowed to ask unless it's a leap year. Is it a leap year? I am not sure...

If DH had asked my dad first I would have said no.

And I think my dad would have laughed at him.

Don't ask his parents, that's ridiculous.

In fact DH didn't ask me. We talked about and decided together.

Just do it your own way. Absolutely no need to approach the parents and ask if you can call MiL mum, or any such nonsense!

And it doesn't have to be a leap year either. :-)

This thread is frightening.

Of course you can ask him first! Leap year or no leap year IMO.

Dh asked me first, then asked my dad who was very chuffed to have been asked. We never told him, we'd've gone ahead whatever he'd said, but it was nice to have him onboard with the whole getting-hitched-idea

Good luck - you must report back here of course, you realise that?

If DH had asked my stepfather first, I wouldn't have married him.
It's a horrible tradition, two men discussing and deciding a grown woman's future. Yuk!

to clarify, DH did ask me first, then he had a discreet word with dad on the quiet. It was NOT asking for permission, more a sort of courtesy thing letting him know.

I don't like the practice at all. What if the father says no? Is the man just going to walk away from the woman then? What right has the father to decide who his daughter will marry? Horrible tradition.

Not allowed to ask if it's not a leap year? Nonsense. This is the 21st century, no need for silly traditions like that - or asking parents for permission.

Oh please, I rather doubt anyone would say no to a proposal from someone they loved just because they'd followed a rather quaint tradition! Would I be correct in assuming that anyone offended by this didn't therefore take their husbands name? Ask your future in laws or don't - it really makes no difference. I doubt any man (or woman!) who does ask the father seriously means it - my husband spoke to my father ahead of proposing to me but my fathers answer was largely irrelevant - my husband just thought was a nice gesture and it did actually mean a lot to my father. If he'd said no, we'd still have got hitched!

"Oh please, I rather doubt anyone would say no to a proposal from someone they loved just because they'd followed a rather quaint tradition! Would I be correct in assuming that anyone offended by this didn't therefore take their husbands name?"

I wouldn't be in the position in the first place. no way in hell would I be going out with anyone who would even think about doing this. we would just be poles apart, nothing in common, recipe for disaster.

and you are correct - I did not take dh's name. nether was I given away.

IMO it's unreasonable to suggest marriage to someone who is not able to make their own decision on the matter.

It's pointless isn't it? If his parents said they didn't like the idea would it stop you from asking him to marry you? Unlikely I'd guess.

Ask him, don't ask his dad.

I think the courtesy / getting them on board angle is important. You don't just marry a person in isolation, you take on their whole family too.

I don't understand the problem with asking for the fathers blessing. The father wouldn't be deciding the potential brides future. It's up to her to accept or decline the proposal. I think it's just politeness more than anything, and no more 'anti feminism' (if that's what it's supposed to be) than a father giving his daughter away on the day.

If DH had asked my dad first I wouldn't have said yes. Luckily we are very suited and he didn't!

I wasn't given away either.

I think asking the father of the proposed first is a horrible tradition too - as is being 'given away' by the father. Which I did .
As noted on another thread today, I am not a Good Feminist.