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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to propose to dp without speaking to his parents first?

118 replies

smuggler · 19/01/2014 17:19

Obviously tradition dictates the man asks the womans father for his daughters hand in marriage. What about when women propose to men? Is it rude to do it without speaking to his parents first? We get on great, but would like it to be a complete surprise for everyone if possible.

OP posts:

cardibach · 19/01/2014 18:02

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think it is a really sweet tradition. I know it came from the idea of woman as property, but it isn't about that now, it's about including parents in an important moment in their children's lives. My exDH did speak to my dad first (obviously not 'asking permission' as he was going to ask me anyway) and I was pleased he had (although as my dad is rather deaf, he didn't fully understand why he was being given a bottle of whisky on the QT...). Anyway, I'm still not sure about the other way around. Why not though? Equal opportunity tradition!

Hercy · 19/01/2014 18:03

Why not?

Vatta · 19/01/2014 18:03

If dh had asked, that would have been so offensive to me that I wouldn't have married him! I think these days it's pretty unusual to ask, tbh, in doubt his parents would be offended if you don't ask them.

Hercy · 19/01/2014 18:06

Sorry, the "why not?" Was in relation to being given away. Addressed to anyone who chose not to. And what did you do instead? Walk down the aisle on your own?

FredFredGeorge · 19/01/2014 18:07

Anyone who asks someone other than the person they want to marry to marry them first is BU, it's completely inappropriate.

YWBU to ask them.

bigkidsdidit · 19/01/2014 18:07

My mum, dad and sister all walked down with me. So I was leaving one family for another, I guess, but I wasn't handed from one man to another like property!

ceres · 19/01/2014 18:07

I wasn't given away because I think it is a hideous tradition with hideous connotations. we walked down the aisle together.

senua · 19/01/2014 18:08

I like the "ask for blessing" angle; it's better than "asking permission".

Vatta · 19/01/2014 18:11

I walked down the aisle alone because I'm a grown up, perfectly capable of making my own decisions and had no intention of being "given" by my father to my dh.

How could my dad give me away? He didn't own me before! My dh doesn't own me now!

ImperialBlether · 19/01/2014 18:12

I wonder what the askers would do if the father figure said No?

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 18:15

if DH HADN'T asked my dad first I would have said no. I feel it is a nice courtesy to pay to tradition. but I am proudly Mrs DHSurname, I was given away by my father at my wedding and I promised to obey in my vows. I am very traditional, as are my parents, as is my DH. it was the right thing for our family.

I will a little put out if our DD's future husband (she is only 20m at present!) doesn't ask DH first. it is a mark of respect and courtesy and i would hope that DD would understand why it is important to us and that her future husband would respect our traditions.

i accept i am a dying breed, but its all part of understanding the people you are involved with. DH knew it was important to me and my family and therefore he was happy to do it (and knew my dad would say yes tbh!). if you are planning to marry you should know your partner and their family well enough to know what the appropriate thing to do is.

angeltulips · 19/01/2014 18:16

I think it's awful to tell your partner's parents before you ask them - horribly disrespectful. I have a friend whose now DH did ask her father, and then didn't propose for over 3 months! How hideous is that?!

Mr tulips & I decided to get married together, we had lunch with my parents together and we both asked them for their blessing. Which was given, ofc.

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 18:17

i also think that 'asking for their blessing' is probably a more accurate representation of what it is now.

Handsoff7 · 19/01/2014 18:17

Asking permission is a very outdated tradition.

My FIL said if I'd asked him first he'd have said no as if I asked clearly didn't know his daughter. (He was thrilled when we announced our engagement)

Whilst I'd have been surprised (but happy once over the shock) if my now wife had proposed to me, I'd have been horrified if she'd asked my parents permission.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/01/2014 18:22

This thread is insane. I could weep for womanity sometimes.

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 19/01/2014 18:22

OP, if you do ask, ask his DM, hmmm?

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 19/01/2014 18:24

Queen
Wouldn't you want your DD's partner, male or female, to put whatever made your DD happy first? Which may or may not be telling her parents before telling her that a life partnership would be lovely.

annieorangutan · 19/01/2014 18:25

I didnt get given away or ask my dad. Bit old fashioned for my generation to ask your dad.

Horsemad · 19/01/2014 18:26

I don't think it's got anything to do with the parents tbh.

Just my opinion though

perplexedpirate · 19/01/2014 18:29

You would indeed be right in assuming that Vino, in my case anyway!
It's amazing the shit that persists just because it's a 'quaint tradition'.

Vatta · 19/01/2014 18:32

Seriously queen you promised to obey? I find that really shocking.

Can I ask, and this is nosy, did you mean it? Do you actually view your husbands opinions as more important than your own and therefore obey his decisions?

BigFatGoalie · 19/01/2014 18:32

Nicely put Queen.
My DH asked/chatted to my father before hand, even though we had decided to get married together (he hadn't proposed yet, but we'd decided we wanted to be together forever)
He told me he was going to work, got on a place, flew to my home town where my parents love, took my dad out for a beer on the beachfront and asked him if we had his blessing. Cue much hugging, high-fiving and possibly a few more beers...
He then flew back in time to do an afternoon of work and when I found out I loved it!
To me it showed he respected me, my family and our values. He promised my father he would love me, provide for me and our future children and respect me just as my father had done.
I respect my husband so much that he took the time and effort to do that.

BigFatGoalie · 19/01/2014 18:33

Aaaargh! Fat fingers!
Got on a PLANE to where my parents LIVE!

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 18:44

doctrine like I said, I would hope that when our DD is grown she will understand and respect our traditions and beliefs and that it will be important to her to. but I expect we will know by that time whether she is on the same page as us or not before it is an issue so will know what to expect from her. all parents have hopes for the type of people their DCs will turn out to be. just as I'm sure some posters on this thread will be insulted/upset in the future if their DCs' partners DO ask permission, we will feel a bit sad if ours doesn't.

vatta you, like many others take the oxford dictionary definition of 'obey' - to do as your told. the bible is older than that, the latin definition is 'to listen deeply'. and I do, I give full consideration to everything my DH says as I know everything he does/wants to do is for the good of our family.

bigfatgoalie that is such a lovely tale! and illustrates exactly what I mean! so glad I'm not the only one out there with this view!

Vatta · 19/01/2014 18:51

queen does love honour and obey actually appear in the bible though? I thought it comes from the 1660s order of service, I don't think it's from the bible directly. I also don't think the bible was written in Latin! It was written in ancient Hebrew and in Ancient Greek. Are you referring to medieval translations into Latin perhaps?

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