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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to propose to dp without speaking to his parents first?

118 replies

smuggler · 19/01/2014 17:19

Obviously tradition dictates the man asks the womans father for his daughters hand in marriage. What about when women propose to men? Is it rude to do it without speaking to his parents first? We get on great, but would like it to be a complete surprise for everyone if possible.

OP posts:
FudgefaceMcZ · 19/01/2014 20:25

Ask his mum, women are more mediators of relationships than men anyway. These kind of 'traditions' (not even real ones, they are only from Victorian times, not from Ye Ancient Peasantry/normal people from most of history who often cohabited as married etc anyway) really fuck me off. My dad is dead, and even when he was alive I hadn't seen him since I was 11- does that mean I'm worth nothing in a relationship? I fucking think not. If my boyfriend did anything like this I would be severely annoyed.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2014 20:26

IF XH had had to ask my father before marrying me, I'd still be waiting tbh. Supposing he had ever got round to it, I'm not at all sure the old ratbag would have said yes, either. (Disclaimer: "the old ratbag" is meant affectionately, and my sister and I sometimes called him it to his face, although he did have his little ways.)

What happened is that I informed my father that XH and I were getting married and asked whether he agreed that my late mother would have liked me to use her wedding ring. He said ok then, and yes, I think she would, so I did.

I did also ask my dad to escort me down the aisle in the old-fashioned style, but the only options he had were to play his part with a good grace or feck off out of it, so I don't think he really felt he was handing his precious possession into another man's care, as it were. More like chucking the hot potato into someone else's unwary paw.

On a less warm and fuzzy note, I fail to see what the hell is particularly Christian about promising to obey the one with the dangly bit. Good thing I never agreed to obey XH, anyway, as he is an idiot.

Mogz · 19/01/2014 20:34

My DH took my dad out to brunch and told him of his plans to propose, I know my dad really loved being in on the secret. Tbh I'm amazed they both managed to keep it underwraps for as long as they did.
I think if you have a good relationship with your future ILs and can trust them to keep quiet then having a chat about it will make them feel very special.

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 20:34

on the whole 'talking to someone else first' side of things, DH and I had discussed our future together, that marriage was what we both wanted and a family to follow. it was just the timing that was in DH's hands, so whilst he spoke to my dad before proposing, we had discussed marriage ourselves first.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/01/2014 20:41

My DP didn't ask my step dad, I think he would have said 'ask her mum!'. I never expected him to ask. I did get given away though.

I hope OP you've spoken to your DP about marriage and that he does want to marry you!

mostlyharmless · 19/01/2014 20:49

QueenofKelsingra - if you talked that much about it, to the extent that you had both agreed to get married, what was the point of the proposal? If you are going with the tradition of waiting for your partner to propose, that's a pretty big step towards actually getting married, and one that your father is made aware of before you.

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 20:54

we both knew that marriage was where we wanted the relationship to go eventually when it was ready. we didn't agree to get married, just agreed that marriage was important to us that we wanted to get there when the time was right.

my dad kept the secret for 3 weeks and DH proposed on holiday with my parents and sibling there too (well, not for the actual proposal but on the holiday with us!). it was brilliant and perfect. FOR US. I'm not saying its right for everyone but it was so right for me, DH and my family.

Vatta · 19/01/2014 20:55

queen I hope you didn't feel that I was mocking you and if you did then i unreservedly apologise - absolutely not my intention but I may have typed a bit flippantly up the thread.

I think promising to obey is so unusual these days that it prompts a lot of curiosity about your reasoning behind it.

If I've understood you correctly, you're using the wording as it's traditional but you (and I assume your dh?) know that you mean something very different by it. FWIW I have no issue with anybody promising to "deeply consider" their spouse's opinions and wishes, really that's a sign of love and respect and I think I deeply consider my dh's opinions, I just don't necessarily follow them.

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 20:58

thank you vatta . it was a very carefully considered decision between my DH and I and yes we are both fully aware of the interpretation of the vows not being inline with modern definitions of the words. I may have been a bit oversensitive but I'm aware I'm a minority on this and MN doesn't pull punches if you go against the norm!

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 19/01/2014 21:01

I wouldn't have thought DH would but he did - he asked my mum. Not asking for permission as such, but asking for acceptance into the family before he asked me. I had no idea! I was initially a bit put off when he said he had done, but then when he explained why it made more sense to me, even though I probably wouldn't have done it myself.

We wrote our own vows and I went off a rough basis of "love honour and obey" but with a more up to date interpretation. So to give (ie, show love. You can't promise to love somebody, it's not a conscious action) to look up to/respect (ie honour, although I also included a reference to the fact this goes both ways and he looks up to me as well) and trust, rather than obey.

MatriarchMommy · 19/01/2014 21:19

My DP asked my mom first, i think it was nice

Caitlin17 · 19/01/2014 21:23

Up to you. I don't have a father so he'd have had to raise it with my grandfather and I would have been furious at such a piece of nonsense.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2014 21:25

Bertie, you tied the knot at last? I missed that - congratulations!

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 19/01/2014 21:27

We did! Grin Only a few days ago. It was arranged and done in 6 weeks, very quick.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2014 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspremise · 19/01/2014 21:38

DH and I got pissed 5 months after meeting and decided to get married. No one asked for anyone's express 'permission' to do anything. That was 13 years and 2dc ago Grin

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 19/01/2014 21:40

Grin No worries, I shall keep a frying pan ready for him to cook me breakfast in (and for emergencies Wink)

Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2014 21:41

Zombies 'n' that, yeah?

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 19/01/2014 21:47

I really want to know what happened to the uncle now...

Pilgit · 19/01/2014 22:02

If my dh had asked my dad I would have said no. Oh and no I didn't take his name (but not sure those b things are linked). My dad would have also given him short shrift to quote my dad "why don't you ask her, she's the one you'll have to live with?" And when asked by another young mm an if he could have my hand "what's wrong with the rest of her?".

morethanpotatoprints · 19/01/2014 22:08

I'm sure I read somewhere that a man had to ask for his gfs hand in marriage by law? I could be wrong.
Then a contract was drawn up and the woman had s dowry given by her father, so was sort of sold to her future husband.
If the father said no, the wedding couldn't go ahead.

Hardly relevant these days, not sure I'd bother OP.
Does your future dh have a dowry?

Grennie · 19/01/2014 23:09

Yes more. It was a legal contract. Legally ownership of a woman passed from her father, to her husband.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/01/2014 23:16

Depends when you mean, more.

There was a really good TV programme about marriage way back when, when all that was needed was for a man and a woman to say they were married in front of witnesses. The dad couldn't do anything about it.

This is why I think citing 'tradition' makes little sense - it's so varied.

squoosh · 19/01/2014 23:27

The type of man who'd ask my Dad's permission for my hand in marriage would not be the kind of man I'd be marrying!