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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to propose to dp without speaking to his parents first?

118 replies

smuggler · 19/01/2014 17:19

Obviously tradition dictates the man asks the womans father for his daughters hand in marriage. What about when women propose to men? Is it rude to do it without speaking to his parents first? We get on great, but would like it to be a complete surprise for everyone if possible.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 19/01/2014 18:51

Yes, I suppose I saw it more as getting my parents' 'blessing', rather than permission - they were both asked when I think about it.

I did not promise to 'obey' him; nor did he, me . Which is how it should be iMO.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 19/01/2014 18:56

Did your dh promise to 'listen deeply' to you too queen?

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 19/01/2014 19:01

I didn't think "obey" was still an option in the vows, tbh.

1974rach · 19/01/2014 19:03

OP - do what feels right for you. My OH spoke to my dad before he proposed to me. I thought it was a lovely thing to do, circumstances are different for you but if you feel you want to why not?!

To pp...I don't feel that I am a "possession" that has been passed from one man to another. My Dad was thrilled and touched to be asked for his blessing. The men who mean the most to me in the world wouldn't consider me a possession.

Vatta · 19/01/2014 19:04

I think you can still promise to obey, I just don't understand why you would! I think queen is saying that she used the word obey but meant something completely different by it?

PacificDogwood · 19/01/2014 19:05

'Obey' was still a possible version 16 years ago. Even our minister discouraged its use .

I think I am more against the 'asking dad first' now than I was then tbh - middle age has made me a more strident feminist

bigkidsdidit · 19/01/2014 19:09

Queen, if it means to listen deeply, did your DH promise to obey you too?

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 19/01/2014 19:10

You're right, it is still allowed to be put in.

Back in days of yore, if brides obeyed, husbands had to worship - though both could choose just to love and cherish. Now it's ok to change just the bride's version, though love and cherish is the standard.

Well, huh.

foreverondiet · 19/01/2014 19:13

Really? You going to ask his parents? Bad idea. What if your dp isn't keen on getting married? He might be annoyed at you mentioning it to his parents esp if they very keen. Maybe discuss with your dp FIRST??

promote · 19/01/2014 19:17

i dont think people ask parents now days, that is very old fashioned and what would you do if they said no ,would you take any notice , its a bit of an embarrassment all round really .

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 19:20

it first appeared in English, translated from the medieval latin. there was a version before the 1662 one, mid 1500s I think. so yes I took the meaning from the oldest translation rather than the most modern. the vows are not in the bible but the concepts are.

DH promised to worship me in place of obey. both are optional in a modern marriage ceremony and is discussed, along with the meaning of the vows, with the vicar in the meetings prior to the wedding.

Just note that I am not mocking anyone's choice to omit these parts of the vows, so I don't see why you are mocking our choices? We are a Christian family with associated values and morals. I respect other peoples right to make a different choice but I expect the same respect for my choice in return.

Starballbunny · 19/01/2014 19:20

DH knew I'd have killed him if he'd dared ask my DDad and he proposed to me before his parents even met me.

We got engaged after six weeks and his parents were the other end of the country, we had to wait until University holidays.

QueenofKelsingra · 19/01/2014 19:23

back to the OP - I think it very much depends on the situation of the family, how well you know them, have you and DP discussed your future before now, and what DP and the family's feelings are on the subject etc. Realistically I don't think marriage proposals should come 'out of the blue' for anyone involved! I would hope that when most people propose they would be fairly confident of getting a 'yes'!

OutOfCheeseError · 19/01/2014 19:32

I don't think it's rude not to ask his parents - if it's what suits the two of you, then do it your way. You would BU to do something in the name of tradition that doesn't fit with your philosophy. I would have been deeply unimpressed if my fiancé had spoken to my father before asking me. But then, I'm one of these feminist types - I'm keeping my surname, I'm not being given away, and the notion of vowing to obey strikes me as absurd. Of course, you could argue that marriage itself isn't really compatible with feminism, but it's important to my fiancé and I'm prepared to compromise

Grennie · 19/01/2014 19:37

I seriously would not have married my DP if DP had asked my parents first.

hootloop · 19/01/2014 19:39

I asked DH, it didn't even cross my mind to ask his his parents first, he was an adult.

Grennie · 19/01/2014 19:42

And of course a man asking a father for permission to marry his daughter, is treating that woman as a belonging, rather than a full human being.

curiousuze · 19/01/2014 19:42

I think it's sad that in this thread my dad walking me down the aisle means he thought of me as a 'possession' to be handed over, rather than a loving family member wanted to be part of the ceremony. I am a feminist, too.

OP you are already flouting tradition doing the proposing yourself, so I'd say do whatever you are comfortable with regarding his parents!

TheDoctrineOf2014 · 19/01/2014 19:50

Not mocking queen, just questioning why you made those decisions.

1974rach · 19/01/2014 19:53

curious I totally agree!

OP flout tradition - do what you feel suits you both. Follow your own path

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 19/01/2014 19:53

DH and his family are way more traditional than me and mine. He did ask DF, who was a bit taken aback but very happy (my parents looooooove DH) and then he promptly spilled the beans to me. I was a bit upset about that part and have never shared it with DH.

I wouldn't have really minded either way tbh.

We both said "love, honour and cherish" and now joke around and say "Cherish me! Do it now!"

JenBehavingBadly · 19/01/2014 19:55

DH didn't ask my Dad first. That would've been weird.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/01/2014 20:00

I prefer to 'ask for a blessing' rather than 'ask permission', too ... but didn't people who had this feel as if they missed out on sharing their news? One of the fun bits was telling our parents about it!

Btw, I don't get the 'tradition' aspect. Unless you are royality or really posh, 'tradition' could just as well mean you'd shack up with very little ceremony, or you'd go with 'you want to be married? Fantastic, so do I - you there, random stranger, did you see we both agreed?'.

mostlyharmless · 19/01/2014 20:03

To answer a few questions from up thread:

No I definitely wouldn't have said yes to DH if he had asked my dad first, but then as a pp mentioned, I wouldn't have been with him if he held those types of views.

No I didn't change my name.

We got married in a register office, we walked in and down the 'aisle' together.

I find the idea that someone would discuss this kind of thing first with anyone other than their partner very very strange.

hugoagogo · 19/01/2014 20:12

I don't think you need to ask, most people don't these days.

Hope he says yes!

btw we only told people we were married so missed out on all this rubbish.

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