to propose to dp without speaking to his parents first?

[smuggler]

Obviously tradition dictates the man asks the womans father for his daughters hand in marriage. What about when women propose to men? Is it rude to do it without speaking to his parents first? We get on great, but would like it to be a complete surprise for everyone if possible.

LRD that was marriage where the state had no role in it. And amongst poorer people, it is only relatively recently that the state has had anything to do with their marriage.

Yes, that's my point.

Why pick the most annoying, misogynistic example of marriage and call it 'tradition'? There are plenty of traditions out there.

(Though I'm not sure how to define when the state does play a role in marriage. The state certainly had laws in place to deal with it all.)

If my husband had asked my father, I am 100% sure he would have said NO. No bad history between them, he would have just said no you are too young. As it was, his response to the news that we had gotten engaged was "oh dear". So I'm very pleased he wasn't consulted in advance.

When my DH asked my dad if he "could" marry me (more of a chat about it I guess) it wasn't about me as a "possession".
It was a sign of my DH's respect to my father and to me. Up and until I met my DH, my father had been the most important man in my life and he had spent many years loving me, teaching me values and morals and providing for me as I was growing up. Chatting to my father before he asked me to marry him let my DH tell him that he promised to be the kind of man that my father would have wanted for me, as all fathers want for their daughters.
I think women can get so caught up in not wanting to be seen as weak, or a "possession" or inferior, that they lose sight of the fact that the two men who are supposed to love us more than anything in the world would never, ever think of us that way. It meant a lot to my father to know I was going to be loved, adored and respected by my DH and that he's taken the time to promise my father that.

That said OP, do what's right for YOU and your DF-to-be!
Everyone will have a different opinion, just got with your heart and good luck, please keep us posted!

When my niece was "being proposed to", everyone but her in the family knew her bf was going to ask her. I personally felt sickened by it rather than think it was romantic. I have told my daughter's that their bf will go down massively in my estimation if they ask me or their father's permission first.

if my DH had talked to my dad first I would have not accepted. Simple

BFG, I'm glad it worked for you. But no doubt your mum wants those things for you too, and your ILs wanted then for your DH. Yet the "tradition" is one man asking another about the future of an adult woman.

< checks date>

No it's not 1814...the only people this concerns are you and your partner!

Go and tell the parents afterwards by all means, but asking permission? Neither of my DC's partners asked "permission" and neither did my DH before we got married 35 years ago.

And what do you do if they say no???

DH 'proposed' to me twice - the first time he sort of shouted it at me:
"For goodness sake, Muppet, I'm in the middle of planning how I'm going to propose! I want to marry you, it's not a rebound thing!"
"Oh"
"Would you like to marry me?"
"Yes please"

He felt so guilty that it hadn't been 'perfect' that he did it again which was hideously embarrassing as he got down on one knee in the park in front of loads of people. He spoke to my mum in between, but mostly because he wanted to ask her opinion on the ring. She was chuffed her asked her opinion, and I was pleased that he felt comfortable enough with DP's to seek it. I'm not sure how I would have felt about DH asking for permission to marry me, but I know that neither DF or DH think of me as possessions so it would have felt more like a blessing thing I think...

That being said, DF took DH and BIL aside after he found out and to this day none of them will tell us what was said. They all looked very pleased with themselves!

Like others on this thread, I couldn't have married someone who asked my dad first. It would have shown that he didn't know me at all.

I would expect modern parents to be rather underprepared for this eventuality, fathers of sons even more so than fathers of daughters. I doubt the conversation would go smoothly, he would probably have quite a lot of difficulty in understanding what you were up to. If he has a study, maybe, going in there would be a hint?

I didn't speak to DH's father in advance of proposing to DH, so YANBU in my view.

I wasn't given away and yes I did walk down the aisle on my own (with my bridesmaids following at a respectful, humble distance behind me of course). It was all about MOI channelling Miss Piggy there

I'd have been horrified if dh had asked my dad first tbh. I think the couple involved should be the first people to know. I'm also a grown adult and frankly it's my decision.

My dad would also have been horrified and told him in no uncertain terms to get lost!

Another who wouldnt marry my DP if he asked my dad first. Not that he would!

Aside from anything, its not a "sweet tradition". Its incredibly misogynistic, even if you look at it from the "asking for their blessing" angle, why only ask the father, not the mother. Does her blessing not count? Obviously some men ask the mother, but that isn't traditional either...

DH mentioned it to my mother that he was going to. Not in a asking permission way, but more of a I'm going to take care of her way. My father was dying, so more of a comfort thing.

And it was very good because we did find out I was pregnant not long after and got married quickly. It was nice that people knew the decision to get married was not due to having a baby, even if the timing was.

Is he an adult, OP If so, then he's the only person you need to ask. If not, then you shouldn't be thinking of proposing.

My ? vanished. Apologies for that.