To wish for better support from OH than to be told to stop being &%@**% stupid and accept what I have taken on?

[Perplexing]

I am crying as I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at the moment.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week. Oh, and has just also suggested I need a psychiatrist.

If I stepped under a train I think I would have good reason.

LTB

How dare he

Firstly your OH is a dick and you're in an abbusive relationship, get rid of him. Your relative is a dick and an abuser, tell them to fuck off. Unless you need to volunteer for some reason just stop doing it. Get on to your union in work. Seek help for your parents via social services. And then take a deep breath, regroup and remember you're wonderful.

Hugs x

You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a solicitor. Sort out issue number 5 and all the others I am sure will start to look a little easier.

Oh my gosh...you poor thing. Everything about that is unacceptable, especially confiscating your bank cards (wtf)! Do you have children?

Bloody hell!! Bless you for taking all that on. LTB! Take your cards back and LTB!

I am slowly realising the volunteering is too much but it;s the only thing I am clinging onto as the only thing I am doing for me, for my self worth? If I lose it I really feel I will have nothing left. :-(

OP if you are feeling like this, something has got to give. Please go and see your GP as you are feeling overwhelmed.

Aww hun sounds like you're having a really shit time if it

Re (2) who's house do they want you to clear? To be honest I'd say no to that one

(1) Could you get a carer to help out

Wow. What they said plus - could you consider volunteering somewhere else? I understand your need to do something you want to do but perhaps if you gain back control over the rest of your life it won't be as necessary for self-esteem.

Take a break from it. Speak to your co-ordinator. Good volunteers are like gold dust - you have so value.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week

Cancel your bank cards and pick up fresh ones from the bank

(5) I never say it but - LTB
Leave (2) to stew in their own juice
(4) who gives a shit so long as you get paid
(3) give that up as its sucking out your time

that leaves (1) - do you want to be responsible? if not push the ball back to SS

All very simplistic for the reader to suggest - but which of these is giving you the most grief and needs sorting properly?

Yes I have 1 child. I would have even less money if OH left though - I am dependent on him as have lost all my confidence. Scared about being alone.

*so much value

get rid of (2) and (5)

Removing your bank cards is financial abuse. The most pressing concern to me on your list is your abusive H. Please call Women's Aid and speak to them.

Also, tell 2) to fuck off and refuse to engage.

Once the abusers, who are crushing your self-esteem are no longer a problem I think you might yourself well able to cope with the rest of your pressures.

Get rid of everything except your parents and your job. Get a care package for parents. Get your own place. Revisit volunteering then. You don't mention kids. Op I hope you find strength and remember everyone deserves love and respect. Abusive partners hopefully get what they deserve.

X posts sorry

I would have even less money if OH left though - I am dependent on him as have lost all my confidence.

I bet you'd soon get it back of you left him.

You'd probably have more money once you got CB and all the other add ons single parents get.

Bohemian girl said everything I was going to, ring the bank now, cancel that card and arrange to collect one from branch, you need to get out of your relationship, he's abusing you mentally and controlling you

Are ss involved with your patents? Ask them for help, you're entitled to it and so are they

Thank you all.
It is grandmother;s house, has been left as it was since she died 20 years ago. Relative wants money from rent and says I can have 50-50 share if I help clear it out - so there is a motive but I feel so down doing it. It is in such a mess and also makes me so sad looking back over someone's life which now just has to go into a skip - all those photos, possessions, school books, handbags, purses, clothes, books, postcards, letters - what is life worth?!!!
Bohemian - I tried that but the bank sent a letter to the house which he found and knew I had a replacement card so he made me give that over too.

Cancel the bank cards and get some new ones. Delivered elsewhere if you have too.

Kick your bloke out of the door and slam it shut after him.

Tell the demanding relative to piss off and clear the house themself.. If they make you feel threatened ring to police to have a word.

Re your mother I'm not sure.. have you approached ss for help/is there help in place?

First sort out your money.. He doesn't have the right to control that.

One thing at a time.. you can't go in like this or you'll break.

He can't make you hand it over... does he put your arm up your back? Just tell him to knob off.

Sort out the arse you are married to, everything else will fall into place

Dear Perplexing, there are lots of separate issues going in your post, so I here is my take on each one

1 Please speak to your DPs GP / community nurse and arrange for some help for your parents

2 I don't understand why you have to clear your relation's house? Text them a firm no and block their number from your phone and do not answer the door if they come round to your house

3 Explain to your supervisor that at present you will need to drop some hours for person reasons, but once life is more sorted you will be able to complete all your agreed hours

4 Use your job as a means to an end, do it well and professionally and leave it at work. Your motivation like a lot of us is the pay cheque at the end of month.

5 Why does your OH have your bank cards? How did this happen? I feel there are a lot of other issues which you may not feel able to discuss via a public forum. Ideally you need to get your cards nulled and new cards and passwords issued.

Do you have a friend who can help you? or could you speak to CAB for advise? I'm really sorry to read about your situation, tackle each issue separately and I hope some of these can be resolved soon and give you some space and peace.

I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed. Most would be even with a supportive husband, let alone with yours.

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships, you'll get really helpful, detailed advice with what to do.

Good luck.