To wish for better support from OH than to be told to stop being &%@**% stupid and accept what I have taken on?

[Perplexing]

I am crying as I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at the moment.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week. Oh, and has just also suggested I need a psychiatrist.

If I stepped under a train I think I would have good reason.

What would happen if you went into his wallet and took your bank card back.

Calm down... First of all poor you!
Only do the bare minimum
Ignore the demanding relative
Start job hunting if you are that miserable anything will be better
Speak to the volunteering supervisor you are a volunteer...
As for dh, feed him on beans on toast for a week!

Seriously things do get better and no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Mother isn't eligible for SS support I don't think due to her assets. She is paying for support 2 days a week but dad won't pay for any more as doesn't want money to be used up in case they need care. Also he pays me a little for looking after her, which I need as OH takes all my money from my job. This month however oh said I had to eat into that for the groceries as money was getting short.

The good thing is, you've already taken a big step in identifying so clearly the things in your life that are causing you stress and pain.

The next step is to come up with a plan to remove all these things from your life. You don't have to act on it right away, but start putting a plan together.

You don't have to do this alone. Women's Aid and CAB is a good starting point. You can see a solicitor for free for half an hour to see what you would get in a divorce. Check online to see what benefits you would get. Make use of any resources at work, are you in a union?

I actually think seeing the GP and accessing counseling would be a good thing -- not for whatever stupid reasons your DH has, but because it would give you the confidence and self-esteem to leave him.

Once you've talked to people and found out all the help you can get, you can make a real plan and start implementing it.

In the meantime though, do tell 2) to fuck off, and keep your distance from them. And for 3) maybe start looking for a similar role elsewhere.

Forty - I had a look but the card is not in his wallet. He would shout and bawl and say 'right we now can't afford this or that if you're going to start spending', I don't know whether we can or not, I don't see the bank statements.

Cancel the cards and request to pick up fom the branch. You see none of his nor your own money? The man is a financial and emotionally abusive prick. Agree with other PP's - if you remove this abuse, your self worth and confidence will help you with the other points.

I think you have better reason to push HIM under a train than yourself - in fact, if you sort out problem number 5 and get rid of him (not under a train because you'll go to prison!) then all the other issues wont seem so insurmountable.

The problem with telling 2 to FO though...(although I see the reasons) is that I would then not get my share of the house as he is controlling mother's money and property as power of attorney. I need that money.

Ltb you will find everything will be ok contact women's aid and they will help you get your finances in order.

x-post

With that level of financial abuse I would contact Women's Aid right away. They can probably advise on ways to get around him (you should be able to pick up a card from the bank for example).

OP: You sound like a wonderful person.

As other have said: get rid of: 2,3 & 5.

Do not do the house clearing. Once you have made that decision it will stop weighing you down.

Give up the volunteering - another pressure gone.

Get a care package for the DPs.
Could you get a supermarket delivery for them too?
I don't mean abandon them, but a care package would take some pressure off you.

Then you only have to decide whether or not to leave the 'D'H.

Best wishes to you.

You've lost your confidence BECAUSE you are in abusive and financially controlling relationship.

Take your dc and get out.

Tell relative no. 2 that you cannot help, are not willing to discuss it further, and if they bring it up again or threaten you in any way, you will contact the police re harassment.

Tell your other relatives and social services that you are no longer able to care for your parents and they need to step up.

Then see your gp for drugs/therapy, whatever you need to pick you back up.

You will be a 1000x better off, and a stronger and better mum for your dc if you take care of yourself and put your own needs first, at least for a while.

You've got a joint bank account haven't you?

Open a new account, anything relating to this account get delivered to an alternate address, keep your card hidden, any money you make from now on put into this account.

You need to start taking control for life back, this is your life you need to live it the way you want o not how others dictate.

Thanks all for taking the time to advise.

I do feel that with (2) I need the money to support myself if I leave OH

I also am so loath to give up (3) as it keeps me going, or the thought of having achieved it keeps me going. I was so proud to have achieved what I did but sometimes feel emotionally I am not in the right place to be doing the role it is which carries a lot of responsibility and weight, although I only do it as a volunteer. I also have empathy with the people I see due to my own issues and feel that unique insight helps me to help them.

You are in an abusive relationship my love. Men like your dh make me so incredibly angry.

Organise a new bank card to be sent to your branch. Speak to womens aid and a solicitor. Most solicitors will give you a free half hour...take pen and paper and write down everything they tell you.

You deserve a better life than this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220049

If you don't leave him, then what do you think will happen once the house is sold/rented.

He will then gain even more control of that money to.

You need to leave your OH. I think it's the single most important thing you can do to improve your life and your mind. He sounds like a total scumbag and you DON'T have to live like that.

Op the only way your situation will improve is if you leave your husband. He's abusing you. Please contact women's aid.

As someone upthread suggested, if he won't agree to you sharing access to the family finances, get your own bank account and get your salary and child benefit paid into it. Then he can just fuck off with trying to control what you do with your money.

When the house is cleared could you and DS (plus or minus husband) move into it, paying relative 50% of market rate? If your outgoings are low your earnings will go further.

Does your money go into a joint account? If so, I agree that you won't be able to get and use new bank cards without OH finding out. If not, tell the bank to send everything to your parents' address, get new cards and keep them at work.

But I absolutely agree, just get out of there. You will be entitled to a lot of help that will help you to manage financially. I suspect you will find everything else seems easier then, too.

Horatia, that's a possibility.

If I ask employer to pay my earnings into an account in my name, and there is a shortfall in the account which pays the bills, and OH does not make this up - the account will get overdrawn and I will just have to pay the money back into that...

Everyone else has already commented about your horrible and controlling H.
I'm only going to talk about the house clearance, as everything else has been covered by other posters.
It sounds as if the house would be a source of income for you. Check your legal position - so that you are not wasting your time- and then if you are entitled to either sell the place or get income from renting, it would be in your interests to get it cleared. There are professional house clearance firms - look in Yellow Pages. Ask other relative to front the £ for this if possible, or borrow it if necessary - about £500, I think.
Might it even be possible for you to move into it?

If the house has been left as it is for 20 years, anything in there has either not been missed or is not wanted. Don't be sentimental about it, just get rid - and its easier to get someone else to do this on your behalf.

Meanwhile ditch DH, cancel bank cards, and get legal advice re financial position on separation/ divorce. If you are married, he can't just take everything, no matter whose name it is in.

I don't think the bank will send cards etc anywhere else other than your home address I asked once. Maybe they would if I explained the situation...?