To wish for better support from OH than to be told to stop being &%@**% stupid and accept what I have taken on?

[Perplexing]

I am crying as I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at the moment.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week. Oh, and has just also suggested I need a psychiatrist.

If I stepped under a train I think I would have good reason.

First sweetie you need to leave that abusive relationship. Open up a new account and have your wages paid into that, hew bank cards etc, then leave. Live with your dad if you have to. Give volunteering a break for now, and concentrate on you leaving h. Hire a skip and put all rubbish in it, or pay if you can for professional clearers, than you can move in it ASAP. First you need to get rid of h, and set up finances separately

You can collect from branch I used to do that

You can collect cards in-branch.

Tell your H that you are taking control of your finances, demand to see the bills and explain that you want to work out a fair split, which you will transfer from your account to his every month.

If you are in any fear that he will react violently to this suggestion, then I would re-iterate that you call Women's Aid.

Otherwise, let him rant, keep you calm and repeat that you have decided things are going to change and you are no longer willing to accept living in a black hole as far as the family finances are concerned.

You are going to need to start standing up for yourself. It's very scary, I know, but you can do it. You have to. No-one else will.

The problem with telling 2 to FO though...(although I see the reasons) is that I would then not get my share of the house as he is controlling mother's money and property as power of attorney. I need that money.

Terms of your grand mothers will?
Clearly your mother was left a proportion of her mothers estate?
Who has POW over your mothers affairs?
Oh and that wont stop her inheritance passing to you (and any other of your siblings)

Relative wants money from rent and says I can have 50-50 share if I help clear it out

You need proper legal advice. How can this relative with POW over your mothers estate offer you 50-50 on rental income if a proportion of it is your mothers?

OP, you can't be the first woman to have come up against this problem, sad to say. Go in to the bank and discuss it in confidence. They may be able to send a text to your phone to say that the bank card is ready for collection at the branch, or agree not to contact you at all but to give it a week and then go in.

do a deal with your relative - you pay half the market rent once it is clear and move in with your dc. Your gm would probably love to know it has provided a safe haven from an abusive relationship I'm sure.

sit down and do some maths with your incomings , cb, ctc etc

take a temporary step back from volunteering until you are back in a better position.

get help with your parents too.

your H is your first hurdle - make an escape plan.

If you collect rom branch they still send a letter to home address! I tried that before and it caused no end of trouble.

I will see if they will send to parents' address given my circumstances.

You need to stand up for yourself with h, he has bashed you down so much that you have list confidence. Seek legal advice, woman's aid, and start going it alone. If he challenges you over your bank letters tell him to F off, he sounds horribal.

Bohemian. Mt GM died with no will. My mother joint owned the house with GM. Mother also has no will. The relative with POA is her only other relative. I guess then we would in the event of mother'd death get 50-50 of GM's house anyway. So the abusive relative is in that respect being reasonable. Although as you have pointed out I guess strictly it should be 33:33:33 - me - mother and relative. I know you are right - I should get legal advice - but it seemed a good deal.

Who gave this relative POW?
Why doesnt your father or you have POW over your mothers affairs?

Are you confusing POW with Executor of GMs Estate?

No, the split would Be DM 50% and Relative 50%
DMs estate would come to you after, so you would inherit 50% and Relative retains 50%

Relative, by offering you 50% now, is short changing your mother and acting illegally - who is this person? I'd be challenging it

Get legal advice on the house.

The thing is, you're just coming up with excuses as to why things can't change.

They can.

It will take time, effort, strength and probably also money on your part. I know you have little of any of these left so it seems incredibly daunting.

But you can do it, and you will be so relieved when you're on the other side that you will kick yourself for having waited so long.

Good luck.

Bohemian - no it is POA and was granted by mother. My mother and I did not enjoy an easy relationship - although now she has lost her mind, I am the one looking after her.

Ok - can you perhaps move into your grandmother's house for the time being? And then you can clear it out whilst you are there. As long as you are entitled to a share then it makes sense to get it cleared and sold/rented out ASAP. Plus it could give you a refuge whilst you sort out somewhere else to live.

Lots of good people here can offer you help and support to get out, but Re 2, I've actually done this.
There's a huge difference between skipping a hoarded house when someone's gone, and doing it with someone staying there. (or visiting the clearance)
The later is a huge undertaking, because what you can see which just looks like an awful lot of handleable stuff, is nothing to what's underneath. You can't just walk in and clear, even when they say you can.

Only when you start digging out, do you find out just how much more work there is, what's gone off, exploded, leaked, died, and how rotten and compacted bottom/back hidden layers may be. It's also when you find out they want to retrieve lost/rotten items. Inevitably you have to do a lot of inefficient cleaning as you go, as well as properly at the end, and tackle noxious moulds and usually there'll be dead vermin and their urine and droppings as part and parcel.

If the 'hoarder' is in residence you also have to deal with their feelings and reactions sensitively and cautiously or they will upset the process. (they usually do anyway)

If you're already scared of this person, you absolutely aren't the right person to do this.

The 'hoarder' has to have a level of respect for the de- hoarder or will over rule them continuously, and getting angry is part of the process of them letting go and healing from hoarding. Good personal barriers are vital as is good mental health as it can affect the de-hoarder more than they expect.

I hope I’ve put you off. It really, really, would be best if you don't, but if for some reason you really absolutely end up having to, you're welcome to pm me for free advice including about protecting your heath, and cross contamination to your child, but if you're financially dependant on this, however long your estimate is, double it.

Annie - I know, I'm afraid they are excuses. I am so down about everything. It almost feels safer to be 'abused' than to step out alone, that's how bad it's got. But I am grateful for all the advice and will try to take it on board when I feel I can.

Just getting on with it - you are spot on! There was 20 year old food to be cleared. That was the easy part though - as it didn't have to be sifted through piece by piece.

The relative does not live there though. But it is such a mammoth task. You have to move stuff around just to clear a small 2ft square space to work in.

It is filthy, cold, cramped, smelly, damp and dark. There is no water so have to go out to get a drink or go to the loo. Everything has to be sifted through as money and valuables have already been found tied up in old plastic bags which looked like rubbish.

Funky - sadly the house is completely uninhabitable at present!

I really do understand. Please be aware of your lung health, mould, and cross contamination to your child and own environment.
You can't see a lot of what's dangerous, and you can't tell what damage it's doing. The links between dementia, mould and hoarding seem unsurprising, there are now serious concerns about cause and effect not being automatically one way round.

You absolutely must get legal advice for all this. (solicitor's free half-hours to start) or Citizen's advice.

Women's Aid will advise.

And I wouldn't trust the relative. You could do all that work for free and he will cheat you. Seek advice.

*thething is, you're just coming up with excuses as to why things can't change.

They can*

I recognise this state of mind. I had it when I had depression and anxiety. Not saying you have, but it is easy to fall into the trap of continually saying 'I can't because...'

You can change this if you are able to change that internal monologue into
'I could if I...'

You could get help with your abussive H if you called women's aid.
You could regain control of finances if you opened a new account with the bank then set up a direct debit into the joint account to pay your share of bills
If bank won't negotiate the change banks
You could tell relative to do one, and get legal advice over ownership of the property.

It might be worth visiting your GP to see what help you can access. Small steps, lots of small steps.

Good luck.

AnUnearthlyChild - thank you. I am going to suggest to OH that we pay 50/50 into the bill paying account and anything left over is mine. At the moment it is 85% (me) and 15% him and he earns about 4 times more than me. What he is doing with the surplus I have no idea.

OP you are being financially abused by your DH. He has no right to take your cards or d

Oh FFS stupid phone!

Or dole out money to you. Please phone women's aid or look up financial abuse.

You an phone Age UK for advice over your mother or talk to her GP.

Get legal advice about the house.

Your confidence will improve if you leave your DH.

The financial is not just the problem with h op, he sounds awful to you! You need to go it alone, and claw back your financial independence. You need counselling too, go to the GP too