To wish for better support from OH than to be told to stop being &%@**% stupid and accept what I have taken on?

[Perplexing]

I am crying as I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at the moment.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week. Oh, and has just also suggested I need a psychiatrist.

If I stepped under a train I think I would have good reason.

Definitely make your first priority getting rid of the husband. It sounds as though he has been effectively stealing from you and it might be possible to involve the police and take legal action to have him removed from the house by force and prevented from returning.
Do not feel any guiilt about throwing this man out of your life and having him punished if possible. He is a worthless piece of shit.

There is lot of good advice here but you are overwhelmed by all this. You do not have to tackle all the problems at once. For me your Dad is unreasonable to hang onto his cash when your Mum needs care now. In case they need care? They do. NOW.
Next money. Its yours if you earn it. Does your H use physical force or can you not stand up to his verbal demands.
If you are in danger get help to leave.
If it is just verbal, at some time in sorting this out you will have to tolerate the rows. Diffcult but can be done. Find out about assertiveness online.
It cant get better till you stand up to the men in your life who are imposing impossible demands.
The job - you need it till you have less pressures. Then look for another. Have you one friend who will give support there? Outside your team - ignore they do not know you.
Voluntary work - seems they too are using undue pressure. Protect yourself, get help.
The house hasnt been cleared in 20 years, it can wait till you are up to it. An assertive approach should help here and maybe a solicitors advice. Anyway this one can wait awhile till you are ready.

There is lot of good advice here but you are overwhelmed by all this. You do not have to tackle all the problems at once. For me your Dad is unreasonable to hang onto his cash when your Mum needs care now. In case they need care? They do. NOW.
Next money. Its yours if you earn it. Does your H use physical force or can you not stand up to his verbal demands.
If you are in danger get help to leave.
If it is just verbal, at some time in sorting this out you will have to tolerate the rows. Diffcult but can be done. Find out about assertiveness online.
It cant get better till you stand up to the men in your life who are imposing impossible demands.
The job - you need it till you have less pressures. Then look for
another. Have you one friend who will give support there? Outside your team - ignore they do not know you.
Voluntary work - seems they too are using undue pressure. Protect yourself, get help.
The house hasnt been cleared in 20 years, it can wait till you are up to it. An assertive approach should help here and maybe a solicitors advice. Anyway this one can wait awhile till you are ready.

There is lot of good advice here but you are overwhelmed by all this. You do not have to tackle all the problems at once. For me your Dad is unreasonable to hang onto his cash when your Mum needs care now. In case they need care? They do. NOW.
Next money. Its yours if you earn it. Does your H use physical force or can you not stand up to his verbal demands.
If you are in danger get help to leave.
If it is just verbal, at some time in sorting this out you will have to tolerate the rows. Diffcult but can be done. Find out about assertiveness online.
It cant get better till you stand up to the men in your life who are imposing impossible demands.
The job - you need it till you have less pressures. Then look for

another. Have you one friend who will give support there? Outside your team - ignore they do not know you.
Voluntary work - seems they too are using undue pressure. Protect yourself, get help.
The house hasnt been cleared in 20 years, it can wait till you are up to it. An assertive approach should help here and maybe a solicitors advice. Anyway this one can wait awhile till you are ready.

Perplexing - I would get a solicitor to double check the agreement with the relative to go 50/50 on the house as it excludes your Mum from her inheritance and I'm not convinced POA would grant this ability. Don't want you to get 90% there and then suddenly it all go belly up.

Another vote for LTB. I know it's awful but he's destroying you. Red flags started waving at the title when you have a traumatic time on with your parents, but point 5 is horrific - as is the whole money thing.

Come on perplexing,you are the master of your own destiny.Go to your bank,explain the situation,close your accounts and open new ones.Tell your husband to fuck off.
Ring Age UK and see what help you can get for your parents.They will help and guide you in the right direction.
Go see a soliciltor regarding the situation with your relative,then tell him/her to fuck off too.They can pay someone to empty the house.
Please find the strength from somewhere to change your life for the better.Nobody has the right to treat you badly.I've been lonely before.It's a damn sight better than being treat like shit.

Did someone seriously hun in this thread? Mumsnet is going downhill.

Odd comment womble, I am sure the person concerned was trying to help op in this serious situation!

Hope you're doing ok today OP.

Am also thinking of you, and hoping you're taking steps to untangle the issues and mess at your own pace, whatever decisions you make about what your best interests are. You aren't alone.

Perplexing

There is some really good advice on this thread. Once you start taking control of a few things like sorting out your bank account situation then you may well feel more confident to tackle the next thing.

Please do speak to Woman's Aid and see a solicitor about the shared rental idea.

As for volunteering, You do this of your own free wil,l in your own free time, you need to tell the supervisor to back the hell up! Obv you dont feel able to do so, but you really need to.

With regard to the house clearing, - is it a case of tipping it all, or will valuables be missed and by whom? Is there anything worth salvaging for profit? (to be split however)

out of curisoty only, how many children do you have and how old are they? Do they get pocket money etc, how does your husband treat them?

Is the account your wages/CB/wtc (or the other one) go into a joint account? or you have your own account?

For your own account you can change your address (before you order new cards)
We have moved several times in the last few years and for each of my own accounts it was simply a case of phoning them up (I did not need proof)
For each of our joint accounts we could do it individually but the bank would send a letter to the other a/c holder to inform them.

My advice for your own account then is to change the address to either your parents, the house you are clearing or a trusted friend.
If its a joint account, get the bloody statements and find out where the money is going, you need proof of whom you are (passport/driving license etc) and go into the bank and find out whats going on.

You should go into the relationship forum and have a read through other women's experience, then post for your own advice.

I wish you the very best of luck.

The volunteering isn't giving you any self-worth. You need to scale back your commitments so you can do a good job rather than doing many things badly. That will give you a feeling of self-worth. You don't have ownership of anything right now.

Gennacy, hope it's ok to answer one of your questions, Perplexed said earlier up thread that it's very much a 'search and recover' situation.