To wish for better support from OH than to be told to stop being &%@**% stupid and accept what I have taken on?

[Perplexing]

I am crying as I feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at the moment.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.

And to cap it all he controls my money, has confiscated my banks cards and doles me out £50 cash for groceries each week. Oh, and has just also suggested I need a psychiatrist.

If I stepped under a train I think I would have good reason.

You will be so much better off financially and otherwise witnout him. You are already paying fof moxt things. You will get extra benefits and child maintenance if you ltb. Just do it.
Although sometime I wish I would follow my own advice.

WTAF!!!!!!!!!!!!! You pay 85% of the household costs when he earns 4x what you do?

No wonder he doesn't want you having control, he's having an absolute laugh!

Please stand up to him over this. He is robbing you blind! You wouldn't let anyone else do it, would you?

Exactly Annie, he us taking the piss and you are letting him. He dies not love or respect you, your opening title says it all! Why the hell your wages being payed into his account! Why the hell are you paying most household costs when he earns far more than you. I open your eyes, this us not a loving relationship, he is robbing you and you are letting him treat you like crap. I am StAHm, dh is the Hugh earner, he pays all household costs, gives me monthly allowance into MY account fir food and dc, my child benefit and dd disability living is payed into my account and that's my business.

Geez you will be financially better off leaving him.

The rules on what can and can't be done by POW are tightly governed.

Please stop this man abusing you.

High I meant

Where is this horrible house, OP? If it's near to a dozen of us, I'm sure we could all turn up and help you take stuff to the tip.

About your husband, you say you are broke with him but will be worse off without him. When you're in work, Google "Entitled to Calculator" and work out what you'd be entitled to. I think you would be amazed. If you don't want to, PM me and tell me what your wages are, how many hours you work and the dates of birth of any children. Oh also what it would cost to rent somewhere suitable. I can work it out for you.

Where are you? If you are near me I will help, pm me if needed.

OP your husband is a complete dick and you should get rid.

In the meantime you can instigate a 7 day switch to another bank, Barclays do instant issuance of cards in branch (the initial card will go to your home but you can get it replaced). No letter is sent when you do that.

I would be on my knees with all that stress without factoring in the abusive husband. And he is.

Do you have issues where you can't manage money? Have you spent willy nilly before and need help controlling that?

How does he justify being so financially controlling? I don't understand your posting I would have even less money if OH left though - I am dependent on him as have lost all my confidence when he only contributes 15%. Is that because you believe you can't manage money?

Sort out the OH position first re the bank.

I was in a difficult position regarding wanting to start using an account in just my name in preparation for asking for a divorce.

I went into the bank and asked to discuss something in private with a "manager" (just wanted someone with a bit more say than a counter clerk really).

I was taken to a private meeting room so I didn't have people overhearing my request/discussion and I explained that my post was being opened against my wishes by my husband and that I wanted a complete block put on ALL correspondence relating to the account in my name only. No letters, no statements, no marketing material, no answer machine messages to be left, only point of contact to be by mobile 'phone (which needs a pass code typing in, so I believe it is safe). I explained exactly why and that any slip up on their part would have abusive/potentially aggression consequences for me. I cried.

I won't lie to you, the bank initially fucked up by sending a statement which H opened and they also left a message on our landline answerphone which he played but fortunately misunderstood and I managed to obfuscate matters regarding the statement that he saw. I went back to the bank and gave them immense grief, I cried a whole lot more.

Then they got it right, I then managed the account entirely by going into the branch which was fortunately next door to where I work. I kept all debit card and cheque book/paying in book in a locked cash tin stored where H would never find it (i.e., not at home). The key to the cash tin was a small thing to hide that he never spotted/discovered/questioned even though it was pretty much in plain sight.

My advice would be.....

1. Take control of your finances in the run up to LTB. Go to the bank and use the example of how they fucked up in my case. Ask them exactly how they will stop their automated computer leviathan sending out ANY correspondence at all. If they fuck-up initially and your dh learns of the new account maybe you could explain it away by saying it is ready for when the GM's property is being rented as it is better to have a separate account to record income and expenses accurately ready for declaring to the taxman every year especially if it is opened with a nil balance. Don't start using the account until you are sure the bank have systems in place to ensure absolutely NO correspondence is sent out to you for him to see.

2. Speak to your voluntary work supervisor and explain that you are in difficult place emotionally with too many claims on your time at this point on your life and you have no option but to cease all additional voluntary work beyond being your mother's carer at present. Do not be guilt-tripped into carrying on, cry if necessary. Fuck it, you are already doing unpaid voluntary work with your Mum.

3. Keep your job for now, you will need it. You may well feel better about it once other things are not dragging you down emotionally and you can devote more headspace to it and possibly move onwards/upwards in the longer term.

4. Get the arrangement to share the rent from your GM's house, in writing, preferably witnessed, before investing more time in clearing the property. (If possible do not let H know that this is the arrangement, keep signed and witnessed agreement in the locked cash tin). Then tackle one space at a time and if possible, ditch your pride and call in a favour from a friend to go with you several times and be more radical in clearing stuff. I got emotionally down at one point, house was neglected and H just yelled at me to "SORT IT OUT" and a good friend came round several times and helped me tidy up my own very cluttered home. She was able to be rational about chucking/charity shopping/boxing up and putting stuff in loft etc.

I feel for you, I really can sympathise, I'm not out of the woods yet so there are quite a few similarities between our situations. I'm currently struggling against H trying to minimise any child maintenance payments, hence my thread in divorce/separation (although it appears no-one is able to advise me on the matter ).

Good Luck !

Slate cross- the 15% is needed even though it is only 15%.
Little purple alien - thank you so much for that, especially helpful.
Thanks to everyone else too, good not to feel so alone.

Perplexing - do the household bills include food and petrol? At least some of that will be directly attributable to your H so you wouldn't have to pay for those costs if you weren't living together.

Wow! Love those detailed instructions from littlepurple. Do it!! This is 'how to LTB'. Good Luck. Sounds like littlepurple has been through it and knows what to do. Life is going to be so much better without him.

Perplex you follow little purple instructions, bit by bit, gain confidence and control. You don't have to put up with this, there is another way. Go contact women's Aid too, you need to leave this vile abuser, he does not love, care or respect you.

Report your cards as stolen & arrange to collect the new ones in person.

Seek advice from a solicitor re your situation as the first 30 mins are free

Speak to womans aid regarding your situation
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Speak to ACAS for advice & guidance regarding your job.
www.acas.org.uk/

There are specialist companies that do house clearance but it might cost a bit. You could advertise a house clearance day on gumtree / freecycle so whoever turns up can take what they want for free or minimal cost as long as they have their own transport.

Speak to your council & Age UK about what type of care is available for your mum. Do you have any other siblings to help you out?
www.ageuk.org.uk/mobile/

Goodluck

One thing at a time. I strongly suggest starting with (5), because when you're being that badly undermined, it really takes from your ability to handle the other knocks of life.

From experience, I can tell you that it is impossible to feel happy and strong and confident when your OH is treating you like the shit on his shoe. You don't need him financially,even if it feels that way. Get away from him and you'll have your full salary, tax credits, potentially housing benefit etc. Look at www.entitledto.com

Don't made radical changes with the other things for the moment. You don't want to dissipate your energies too much. Stall on (2), at least until you've the got the legal advice suggested previously. Frankly, if the person is going to try to cheat you, they're going to do it whether you do what they ask or not. The more you do to oblige a certain kind of person, the bigger the sucker they take you for.

I think getting rid of your horrible partner will ultimately do a lot more for your self-esteem than voluntary work. Can you take a "sabbatical" from it? 6 months while you sort out the other stuff, and then go back to it at a time when it adds to your life, not to your stress levels.

Paid work - when you've got rid of your partner, you'll find that you're not the browbeaten person you are now. You might find other people's attitude changing to you - and you'll find your attitude changing to them. This might sort itself out - and if not, when you're free of that deadweight H, you'll surprise yourself with the strength you have to look elsewhere.

W are you today perplex

Hi OP, hope you are ok. Womens Aid are great and will help you with practicalities. You have to get rid of this abusive arse who is sapping your energy and self esteem, for your DC's sake too. The rest will feel so much more manageable. Wishing you well.

Agree, get it in writing that you'll get half the rent from the house, or even better get half hte house signed over to you before you do any work. You are in a posistion of power in this, they can't get any rent until it's cleared, they need your free labour to do it, you are no worse off if you just sit back and refuse do to anything for 3, 4, 5 months.

The advice re the bank is also good.

Re your Mum, your dad saying he doesn't want to pay so you'll have to do it isn't good enough, step back there too. If he won't pay and leave her without personal care, call social services.

I would tell your volentary role that you can't do it now, you are giving it up for 6 months while you deal with your mum/GM house, don't be guilted into staying, you need the time. That is time you can dedicate to the house clearance. Agree moving in with DCs for 50% rent might be a good move for you, you can get the house habitable much quicker than you can get it rentable ready.

And call Woman's Aid, you are being abused by your H. they can give you practical advice, particularly if you want to get out sooner.

remember, he will have to give you child support, you will be entitled to benefits, you will be entitled to half the assets you have (so if you own your home, half is yours and you can force him to buy you out or sell it and you get half the profits, you might be able to order him out of it and you and the DCs stay)

But first things first, work out what you can do to increase your time to think/plan. Remember, you are in control of your own life, you don't have to just accept decisions other people have made for you.

As a single parent earning you will get child tax credits, working tax credit, and child benefit. You may also qualify for housing benefit and you will get some help towards council tax for being a single occupant.

It will top you up enough.

LTB. I would love to smack him round the jaw for you. Dick.

(1) elderly parents one who has dementia and rely on me for care each week.
chase some help for your parents

(2) demanding relative with possible mental health problem who once beat me up and I am scared of (who is pushing me to clear out a hoarded house, it will take months)
say No

(3) voluntary role - I am in trouble with supervisor as unable to devote the correct amount of time but I don't want to give it up as it's all I have to keep any remnants of self esteem alive. I want to do it but feel powerless given 1, 2, 4 & 5
you don't have capacity for this

(4) rubbish paid job which I hate as all (apart from immediate team) look down on me and make me feel worthless and stupid but for which I need the money
a means to an end while you find something better

(5) clearly useless (and controlling) H who, when approached for help and support, offered the above advice, after telling me if I didn't like giving personal care to my mother to simply stop doing it. OH works shifts and is never here when I need help, always doing overtime as we (he, I never see any of it) needs the money.
deadweight, toss him

There is good advice on here. Just wanted to say to you hope you get sorted.

I think you need to see a solicitor about the house and get the full picture.

If you talk to Women's Aid, they are likely to know the best steps to get your own finances and bank account sorted.

Just jaw-dropping. I truly hope you can find the inner resources to act.

Thinking of you. X