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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if i was in the wrong here, need an outside perspective

107 replies

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:14

DH was at work this morning so was up at 4am

DS is away for the night so DHs plans where to get some beers in, watch the football then watch a film (both of is)

Now, DH has form for being a cunt when pissed so as soon as he mentions getting drink I can feel the anxiety.

After the football he asks me what I want to watch so I say the horror film. He says he was looking forward to the other film son I say "well just put what you want on, I'll watch either" i wasn't actually interested in the other film but like I said, I know he can be a cunt when pissed so I feel like I'm on eggshells.

He puts the horror film on. Half way through the film he's falling asleep, I say "are you not watching this with me?" He says "no, its shit" so I say "well in don't really want to watch it on my own" and knock it off.

He's absolutely fuming, slamming doors and saying I've ruined his Saturday night because I wanted to watch that film but I've knocked it off half way through, he could have watched his film, now its too late to put his film on because he's too tired.

He's made me feel fucking bad that he's been up since 4am for work, and now his night is ruined, he's called me a stupid bitch etc

Was I wrong? I told him to put what he wanted on, he put my film on

He was falling asleep, so what difference did it make to him if I carried on watching the film or knocked it off and watched Come fucking Dine With Me??

Accuses me of sitting here "with fucking puppy dog eyes" whilst he's ranting and raving. Then storms off to bed slamming the door on his way.

Honestly, is he being unreasonable or am I a complete bitch?

OP posts:
mrscog · 18/01/2014 21:16

You need to consider leaving such an arsehole unless he makes you joyous the rest of the time.

MoonlightandRoses · 18/01/2014 21:17

No - it's him. Hope you're ok.

Marshy · 18/01/2014 21:17

He doesn't sound very nice. Hope you are ok op

Coldlightofday · 18/01/2014 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 18/01/2014 21:18

Um. He is being unreasonable. Obviously.

I can kind of get that he might have said that he would watch the horror film as you had expressed an interest in it, and he thought he was being nice by watching it rather than the one he wanted to watch. And then being a bit pissed off if it turned out you really didn't want to watch it when it was too late to change to the film he wanted.

But from what you have said his reaction is completely over the top and unreasonable. But I am afraid drunken tempers are one of the few things I completely cannot tolerate (having grown up witnessing my dad acting like an arse when drunk).

PansOnFire · 18/01/2014 21:18

YANBU, he's emotionally abusing you and this has nothing to do with your choice of film. He needs to recognise this and get some help, you need to get away from him until he's sorted himself out.

MajesticWhine · 18/01/2014 21:19

You are both being unreasonable. You should have carried on watching the film even though he was falling asleep. He did let you have your way, so you could have he good grace to enjoy the film. Of course he will be tired if he was up at 4. And he is unreasonable for losing his temper and making you feel you have to tread on eggshells.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2014 21:20

do you like each other???

Sammie101 · 18/01/2014 21:20

I think that such a minor thing provoking such a major reaction is really worrying! The fact that he speaks to you in such a horrible way (calling you a stupid bitch Confused) is absolutely unacceptable and vile. Is he like this only when he has had a drink? Even so it's unacceptable!

harticus · 18/01/2014 21:20

Oh god I know this scenario too well.
This is about the misery and anxiety of living with someone who becomes obnoxious on booze.
You need to have a serious talk with him when he is sober.
You shouldn't have to live like this.

owlbegoing · 18/01/2014 21:20

LTB!
If your 'D'H has form for being a cunt when he has a drink to the extent that you're walking on eggshells what is the point of being with him? What kind of life would that be?

MakingEveryDayCount · 18/01/2014 21:20

Obviously I'm not in your relationship so can't comment what he's usually like, but just by going on what you've posted here - you've absolutely done nothing wrong.
The fact you post you feel like you're on eggshells after he's had a few drinks and are deferring to whatever he wants to do for a peaceful life isn't right.
As in it shouldn't be like that.
Putting it on to watch with him, fair enough. If he fell asleep though, he obviously wasn't watching the bloody thing in the first place so shouldn't have been slamming about the place saying that he was!

MakingEveryDayCount · 18/01/2014 21:21

Crikey, I type posts slow. There were no posts and I was the first when I wrote that!

Flappingandflying · 18/01/2014 21:22

Um well I think if you feel on eggshells when he drinks then thats not a good or normal thing. Neither is it 'normal' for one partner to be verbally abusive to another. He decided not to be selfish and et you watch the film you wanted but he sees his good intention as being flung back at him by you not watching it. Likewise, you sound a bit childish in not wanting to watch a film without him. I would have a bit of sympathy for him and give him a bit of leeway as he is tired if he had just had a bit of a silent man huff for five mins but I'm afraid shouting, being abusive and having a strop lost that sympathy. If this is happening regularly then you need a long hard think....

mummyof2lou · 18/01/2014 21:22

I would never tolerate anyone calling me a stupid bitch, least of all my husband. He needs to learn some respect and his alcohol limits.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:24

We had an alcohol ban in the house last year after he sat an verbally ripped me to shreds for almost an hour whilst pissed. I threatened to leave him the next day unless he gave up drink, he did give up but its started creeping back in but I feel like I can't say anything because he'll accuse me of not letting him have any fun etc,

He's like Jeckle and Hyde, we get on soooo well when he's not drinking, but as soon as he's had a few the atmosphere changes, I can sense the tension, I feel on edge. But he'll say I'm being overdramatic, making a problem where there isn't one

OP posts:
BonaDrag · 18/01/2014 21:25

He's a knob end. You should consider leaving him.

Vatta · 18/01/2014 21:25

If this is his typical behaviour when drunk, I think you should leave him. Nobody gets to speak to me like that and get away with it.

It's definitely not you that's the problem here.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/01/2014 21:26

Well there is a problem isn't there, and he's not a nice person. There is no Jekyll and Hyde, if someone's a cunt when they are drunk then they are reining it in when sober, and what's more, if they are a cunt wen drunk they owe it to everyone to stay sober. He will not, so he's just a cunt.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:27

And yes I could have finished watching the film but I don't like watching scary films on ,y own, otherwise I'd watch it when he's at work, I'm a complete wimp and like him to be sat therewatchimg it with me iykwim and he said he would

Please excuse typos I'm on the tablet and have fat fingers

OP posts:
emsyj · 18/01/2014 21:27

He has a problem with alcohol if he is 'known for being a cunt when pissed' and you are 'treading on eggshells' and feeling nervous if he mentions having a drink.

I suppose if he was willing to admit to having a drink problem and get help with it, you could stay - but it sounds like it would be a lot of effort. Is he worth it? Think about it - if you could wave a magic wand and have him out of your life, without the practicalities of one of you moving out, dealing with a divorce etc - would you do it? Don't stay with him just because the first 6 or 12 months after the break-up would be hard.

quietlysuggests · 18/01/2014 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:29

He can't see the problem though, he'll say I've wound him up and thats why he-s snapped. Seems to me like my very presence in the room provokes him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:31

He'll say he doesn't have a 'drink problem' as he only drinks about once a month, I know because he's said that before when I've accused him of it.

He also knows I grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent so don't like alcohol much in the first place

OP posts:
Wellthen · 18/01/2014 21:31

If you are otherwise happy with him and therefore determined to stay then you need to have that conversation again. Tell him you will not spend time with him when he drinks. Don't back down. If he drinks, leave the room. Continue to explain calmly that you wont do it because when he drinks he treats you like shit.

My DP can be a twat when drunk -although in comparison it is mild as he has never sworn at me - and we have a similar agreement. We drink a little but we don't get drunk together because it isn't fun for either of us. I empathise with the eggshells feeling. However I really think his behaviour is extreme enough that you can place a ban on drinking around you.

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