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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if i was in the wrong here, need an outside perspective

107 replies

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:14

DH was at work this morning so was up at 4am

DS is away for the night so DHs plans where to get some beers in, watch the football then watch a film (both of is)

Now, DH has form for being a cunt when pissed so as soon as he mentions getting drink I can feel the anxiety.

After the football he asks me what I want to watch so I say the horror film. He says he was looking forward to the other film son I say "well just put what you want on, I'll watch either" i wasn't actually interested in the other film but like I said, I know he can be a cunt when pissed so I feel like I'm on eggshells.

He puts the horror film on. Half way through the film he's falling asleep, I say "are you not watching this with me?" He says "no, its shit" so I say "well in don't really want to watch it on my own" and knock it off.

He's absolutely fuming, slamming doors and saying I've ruined his Saturday night because I wanted to watch that film but I've knocked it off half way through, he could have watched his film, now its too late to put his film on because he's too tired.

He's made me feel fucking bad that he's been up since 4am for work, and now his night is ruined, he's called me a stupid bitch etc

Was I wrong? I told him to put what he wanted on, he put my film on

He was falling asleep, so what difference did it make to him if I carried on watching the film or knocked it off and watched Come fucking Dine With Me??

Accuses me of sitting here "with fucking puppy dog eyes" whilst he's ranting and raving. Then storms off to bed slamming the door on his way.

Honestly, is he being unreasonable or am I a complete bitch?

OP posts:
GoldfishCrackers · 18/01/2014 22:20

He is abusive, though: he's regularly verbally abused you to the xyent that you're walking on eggshells.
He does have a drink problem: his drinking is damaging his relationship with you.
You are not over sensitive to alcohol because of your upbringing: if anything you may have gravitated towards the familiar. No one, regardless of their background, would want to be verbally abused whenever their partner got drunk.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 18/01/2014 22:22

Why on earth should she offer support? He knows what he's doing, he's making her scared and is choosing not to do anything about it. Like I said before he's sober when he starts drinking, and also when he justifies his actions. He's about as far from contrite as you can get.

I have spent far too long playing this game, and wasted years on it.

RandomUsername needs to think about her needs, not his.

urmydarlings · 18/01/2014 22:23

Thanks for you op.
hope you are ok. Please talk to him when he's sober and tell him exactly how you feel. You and your son deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home. Think about take time out from him and him getting help.

KeatsiePie · 18/01/2014 22:26

Good!

Glad you can relax, though I know it is crappy to realize that you can only relax b/c your drunk partner is passed out.

I have an ex who is an alcoholic (now in recovery).

Alcoholics are not reasonable when it comes to their drinking, obviously. They'll say whatever they need to say to protect it. This is why I felt so mad on your behalf about how he's been making you feel like you're paranoid/overreacting about his drinking b/c of your childhood. 1, it doesn't sound like you're paranoid at all; it sounds like he has a problem. But 2, and this is where I got mad, making you feel paranoid is such a low blow -- this is what I mean about how they'll say whatever they can think of to protect their drinking. He's only saying that so you will start wondering about your hangups and start doubting yourself and stop asking him about his drinking. That's nasty behavior. Even nastier since you say he really gets it about your childhood experiences.

So don't let him give you any crap about that tomorrow. Who cares why you don't like it? You don't fucking like it. This isn't about you, it's about him. Tell him that if he doesn't have a drinking problem then he won't mind not drinking around you b/c you don't like it -- and if it's so important to him to drink around you even though you don't like it, well, hmm … maybe he does have a problem?

You sound quite strong, btw. Good luck.

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 18/01/2014 22:30

RandomUsername I think that's very true.

I used to drink heavily, pre-DCs, but I was a happy drunk. That's because I'm a nice person.

DP, same same, he drank loads and still has the odd binge, but he's lovely, even when plastered.

Neither of us have ever called our partners cunts because of being drunk.

My ex on the other hand, called me allsorts while drunk, not because he was drunk, but because actually, he wasn't a nice person, and had no idea how to treat people.

HollaAtMeBaby · 18/01/2014 22:35

Really not a good idea to remain married to someone you're scared to be alone in the house with, OP :(

Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:36

You're right Keats you know what he once said to me? 'I don't want you commenting on my drinking' this was a few years ago when I started to notice that he changed when drunk, I mentioned it and his reply was 'I don't want you commenting on my drinking'

That should have been a HUGE red flag. He was practically saying to me 'I know its a problem but I'd like to stay in denial thanks'

OP posts:
MissPryde · 18/01/2014 22:38

I'm not saying she should give him excuses, pobble. I think she should be firm and make it clear him drinking is unacceptable and if he does, he's gone. But if he's willing to see reason and agrees he needs to quit, she can support his continued sobriety.

MissPryde · 18/01/2014 22:40

Bit late on that post. If he refuses to see it and forbids you to comment, no, don't waste time on him, you should not live in fear. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, I thought based on your earlier post he was willing to acknowledge his drinking as a problem and did stay sober for a year...?

Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:42

If he was alcohol dependant I'd support his sobriety, but he's not. He doesn't need support to stay sober, he just needs to stop buying alcohol.

I've managed to stay sober most of my life, I don't know why he can't.

Oh, apparently 'working men need a beer after a long shift' Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:43

YHe stayed sober for a few months yes. But its slowly creeping up again :(

OP posts:
Original poster
RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:49

I'm off to bed, I will be back tomorrow, let's see what he has to say for himself in the morning.

Night all, thanks for listening reading x

OP posts:
KeatsiePie · 18/01/2014 22:56

Yeah, that does sound like a red flag.

It can take time to realize, though, and then more time to be sure that you are right. I was with my ex for six years. During that time my ex stopped drinking and then started again and then stopped again, etc.

When he was not drinking at all, he would say that everything I had said about the drinking before was correct and he was sorry he had dismissed it and/or made me feel like I was overreacting. When he in a phase of drinking some again (eventually too much), he would say that I had been overreacting after all.

That made it very hard for me to be sure that I was right. It's confusing; the disease is tricky b/c it makes its sufferers say whatever they need to say to keep drinking.

My ex is a good person. We weren't right for each other, so even if he had gotten help earlier, we wouldn't have stayed together. Your DH may be a good person too -- just a good person with a really nasty disease that he needs to face. If he is willing to face it, to go to AA and/or get other help, and if you are otherwise right for each other, you may be able to stay together. It's not an easy road but it's very possible.

And again I realize he may not have alcoholism. But it sounds like he is on the way to it. If so, then he needs to face that before it gets worse so that your marriage has a chance.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound grim. I really think it is possible for you to be happy together. It's just that I think he needs to face up to what he's doing both wrt. the drinking itself and wrt. how he's treating you over it before it's too late.

KeatsiePie · 18/01/2014 22:57

Oops x-post -- good night!

waltermittymissus · 18/01/2014 22:58

I once said on here (I've posted about this subject under a different username) that most people look forward to their weekends and I dread mine

I remember your other thread. He is an abusive bully who gets his time to 'shine' when he's pissed.

You'll never get him to see that he has a problem with alcohol. He has to come to that realisation himself.

Get some sleep and post tomorrow. I think it's past time you had a serious look at a future without him. Flowers

PeriodFeatures · 18/01/2014 23:20

My lovely lovely DH would frequently be a horrible drunk. It was almost as if he'd save up his weeks worth of niggling resentment then add a few rejection issues and be a cunt.

He could also be complete anus and i'd have to carry him about, pick him up somewhere, take him home, then he'd be sick in a bucket or something.

Now he just has a couple of glasses of wine with dinner and some real ale down the local.

He was treated for depression. Though I know that is no excuse for his behaviour, treating it has made his alcohol consumption - and its effects - a lot more reasonable!

Sorry your DH is making you frightened. That is not acceptable OP. It really isn't. He needs to know that and do something about it.

attheendoftheday · 19/01/2014 00:40

My dad was like that. I remember the walking on eggshells feeling.

No one should live like that. You deserve better.

Fancyashandy · 19/01/2014 00:50

I grew up with a father like this. It wasn't fun and has lead to repercussions 30 years later. Remember us watching the clock knowing he would be in from the pub soon and wondering what kind of mood he'd be in. The stress, tension, verbal and emotional abuse.

DizzyZebra · 19/01/2014 01:46

Yanbu. You do not need to justify your dislike of his behaviour with your childhood. You are a human being for gods sake. You have feelings. You shouldn't need a reason to dislike being verbally abused in your own home!

i did not grow up with alcohol abuse but i feel the same about drunken behaviour.

OH is argumentative when drunk and we have an agreement that he stays out or comes in straight to bed if he has one too many. I told him the first time I would never live in fear of a man. You need to make the same resolve. One way or another you will not live like this.

Loopylala7 · 19/01/2014 03:14

Sounds like he's being an arse. YANBU

theaandrea · 19/01/2014 03:39

Been in relationship like this myself - not worth it. Definitely not being unreasonable. Honestly Id advise to get out of that relationship since its only going to hurt you.

Tulip26 · 19/01/2014 07:47

It is not your fault. Abusers always blame everyone else but thenselves. I've been there. He wouldn't stop drinking and being emotionally and physically abusive so I left. When you do leave, he will promise to change. He'll promise the moon to get you taking him back then it'll start all over again. Sounds like that has happened before, no? Him promising to change then it creeping back in.

HaroldLloyd · 19/01/2014 09:36

How are you feeling this morning OP?

Original poster
RandomUsername · 19/01/2014 10:30

Well both just got up, he made me a cup of tea and was all smiles Hmm

I said 'oh, calmed down have we' Angry and here come the excuses...

He wasn't even drunk Hmm he was just very exhausted from being up at 4am and was pissed off about the film, I said 'no, being pissed off is one thing, going completely over the fucking top, slamming doors and calling names in another' he said 'I'm sorry, I was just exhausted and grumpy'

I said 'no, you get a drink in your hand and turn into a cunt, I told you to put YOUR film on because I wanted to avoid you going mental' he thinks I'm being over dramatic and kept saying 'I have to go and pick DS up, why do you want to carry on arguing' then he left to get DS.

I'm fuming.

So when he comes back I'm going to tell him he has a choice, stop fuckimg drinking, or go find somewhere else to do it because I'm not putting up with it any fucking more. I will not walk on eggshells in my own home

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 19/01/2014 10:45

I would totally ban drinking in the house to be honest, it's totally and utterly unacceptable you feeling scared like that.

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