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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me if i was in the wrong here, need an outside perspective

107 replies

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:14

DH was at work this morning so was up at 4am

DS is away for the night so DHs plans where to get some beers in, watch the football then watch a film (both of is)

Now, DH has form for being a cunt when pissed so as soon as he mentions getting drink I can feel the anxiety.

After the football he asks me what I want to watch so I say the horror film. He says he was looking forward to the other film son I say "well just put what you want on, I'll watch either" i wasn't actually interested in the other film but like I said, I know he can be a cunt when pissed so I feel like I'm on eggshells.

He puts the horror film on. Half way through the film he's falling asleep, I say "are you not watching this with me?" He says "no, its shit" so I say "well in don't really want to watch it on my own" and knock it off.

He's absolutely fuming, slamming doors and saying I've ruined his Saturday night because I wanted to watch that film but I've knocked it off half way through, he could have watched his film, now its too late to put his film on because he's too tired.

He's made me feel fucking bad that he's been up since 4am for work, and now his night is ruined, he's called me a stupid bitch etc

Was I wrong? I told him to put what he wanted on, he put my film on

He was falling asleep, so what difference did it make to him if I carried on watching the film or knocked it off and watched Come fucking Dine With Me??

Accuses me of sitting here "with fucking puppy dog eyes" whilst he's ranting and raving. Then storms off to bed slamming the door on his way.

Honestly, is he being unreasonable or am I a complete bitch?

OP posts:

harticus · 18/01/2014 21:33

OP - don't fuck about pandering to all of his nonsense about being over dramatic.
It is simple - tell him to know his limits with alcohol or stop altogether otherwise he will lose you.

It is a very small step from verbal abuse whilst pissed to physical abuse.
He is a nasty drunk - either the booze goes or he does.

HaroldLloyd · 18/01/2014 21:35

Of course your not being unreasonable.

He sounds really nasty, you sound scared of him.

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:35

He's said some really fucking horrible things to me in the past whilst drunk, tonights episode was actually quite tame (probably because he was tired and went to bed)

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/01/2014 21:37

He does have a drink problem though, doesn't he - not all drink problems are to do with addiction. His problem is that he turns into a nasty bastard, he knows that and yet he decides to drink anyway - so he's pretty much a nasty bastard drunk or sober.

I just couldn't begin to live like that.

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:39

The weird thing is Harold that, dispite tonight not being as bad as previous nights I did feel scared, in the back of my mind I was thinking "what if he really kicks off here and things get nasty" simply because our son isn't here so no chance of hi, waking up and coming downstairs.

That sounds ridiculous because 1) he's never laid a finger on me and 2) our son is only 5 so obviously couldn't do anything, but this is the first time its been 'just us' in the house iykwim?

OP posts:

lovelychops · 18/01/2014 21:42

I think what happened with the film is irrelevant.
No one should be spoken to like that, or have to walk on egg shells in their own home. You deserve so much better.

HaroldLloyd · 18/01/2014 21:43

I don't think it's ridiculous, when people are drunk and you know lose their temper to that extent it's really frightening, you are already treading on eggshells with him before he started.

What's he like the rest of the time?

hippo123 · 18/01/2014 21:43

Would you be friends with someone like that? No? Then why are you married to him? It's not normal to feel like your walking on eggshells you know.

HaroldLloyd · 18/01/2014 21:43

You do deserve better, you shouldn't be sitting in your own house feeling scared like this.

emsyj · 18/01/2014 21:44

If you grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent, do you think you're just gravitating towards what you know? Do you want your son to grow up the way you did?

If you feel scared of him, even if you are now trying to rationalise it and dismiss that fear, your subconscious is trying to tell you something. You need to get away from him.

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:47

He's OK when sober, in fact if he is a dick when sober I can happily call him on it, we can laugh and joke. If I tried to call him on anything when he's pissed then I know he would kick off.

Which is why I walk on eggshells, that's why I told him to just put his film on and its whynp when he drinks I usually end up going to bed early to avoid the inevitable. But I'm angry, why should I have to go to bed fuckin early just because he's a twat.

OP posts:

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 21:51

And no, I've told him repeatedly that my son will not witness the things I witnessed when I was growing up. My childhood was ruined by alcohol, my step dad was an alcoholic (although has been sober for a couple of years now) but he would abuse my mum verbally and physically, the police where always at our house. I will not tolerate it.

But he thinks that, because of my childhood, I just think that everyone is an alcoholic if they drink

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 18/01/2014 21:51

Seriously. .dont stay with him unless he stops drinking. You deserve better. Much better.

waltermittymissus · 18/01/2014 21:57

It would bug the shit out of me if I put on a film that DH wanted to watch and then he switched if off halfway through.

You know what I'd do? I'd say "that's so annoying! If you weren't going to watch it we could have watched mine!"

Then he'd say sorry, I'd probably say sorry for making a big deal out of it and it would be forgotten.

What I wouldn't do is slam doors, scream, call him names and generally abuse him.

And he wouldn't walk on eggshells around me because he's terrified of me.

This is so not about a film...

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:03

That's the thing Walter if he'd been sober that's how the conversation would have went, he'd be pissed off but it wouldn't be such a huge deal. But because he's pissed it just seems like he wants any excuse to be a cunt to me.

I can't do this. I can't walk on eggshells in my own fucking home.

I once said on here (I've posted about this subject under a different username) that most people look forward to their weekends and I dread mine, and that's wrong, and now the drink is getting more frequent again and I'm starting to dread weekends again.

But I know he will minimize it and say Im 'making his sound like some sort of abusive husband' because that's what he says

OP posts:

MakingEveryDayCount · 18/01/2014 22:04

He'll say he doesn't have a 'drink problem' as he only drinks about once a month, I know because he's said that before when I've accused him of it.

It's not always to do with how much you have in total, but everything to do with how you react when you've been drinking it.

EirikurNoromaour · 18/01/2014 22:05

This is so sad
You actually felt scared because your son wasn't there to 'protect' you (I mean that you view his presence as protection against your partner being abusive) can you not see that your son is already growing up in a home like yours was? Sure, it's not as overt or as regular but that doesn't mean a thing.
My dad is a problem drinker. He goes in waves as to how much of a problem is it, but for a couple of years in my teens it was awful (lots of money and family stress on his part). It would only be once every couple of months or so, and he would always retreat to his room and drink, so it wasn't in our faces, but we knew. We could see the tension on our mum's face, and feel it in the air. You might think you're protecting him now but you can't long term.

FTRsGotAShinyNewNN · 18/01/2014 22:06

Last year my DH was becoming a bit of a dick after too much to drink.
When he was sober I had a conversation with him where I told him exactly how his behaviour made me feel and told him if he wanted to get that drunk he would have to find alternative accommodation on those nights, luckily he realised what a big deal it was to me and doesn't drink so much now.
From what you've described I'm not sure that approach would work with your H, if you are genuinely afraid to be in the house with him when he's drinking then you need to rethink your relationship, you shouldn't have to be scared

KeatsiePie · 18/01/2014 22:09

There are two things going on here and they are both important.

One is that you think he may have an alcohol problem. (And yeah, sounds like it to me, but don't want to armchair diagnose.) If you are worried, then he owes you the basic consideration to sit down and talk about it with you in a kind and adult way. Same as if you were worried about any other thing. He does not get to dismiss it. If you are worried, he has an obligation to take your worry seriously.

The other important thing going on is that you are not comfortable around heavy drinking and you know what? That is fine. You grew up around alcoholism. You don't have to like it. Even if you didn't grow up around alcoholism you wouldn't have to like it. (I myself do not like it, for no particular reason. And I would not expect my DH to never drink. But I would expect him to not drink heavily around me if it made me uncomfortable.) It's not fair for you to have to be around heavy drinking every weekend, whether there's actual alcoholism involved or not, b/c you don't like it.

Can you have a big talk tomorrow about all this?

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:09

Something has to go, either him or the drink, because I can't go back to how it was last year where he'd have me in tears every other Saturday night

OP posts:

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 18/01/2014 22:09

If he does not accept the problem, it is not going to get better.
And that does not mean you need to get him to accept the problem, you can't. You can lead a horse to water ....

The harsh reality is, he is not good enough for you. This relationship is not good enough for you.

He doesn't just treat you badly when he is drunk. He is sober when he buys the drink, and when he drinks the first one. He knows your feelings about it, as you have told him, yet he does it anyway. He is sober when he makes that choice.

Him saying he doesn't have a drink problem is irrelevant. He does. You have a problem with him drinking (and for good reason). Stop waiting for his permission or acknowledgement of the problem before you will allow yourself to act. He is treating you badly. It's up to you to do something about that to protect yourself from his treatment of you. You've tried asking him not to, that hasn't worked. He's not going to accept his behaviour is wrong. But you need to acknowledge that to yourself and act on it. If he's not going to change, he's putting you in a position where leaving him is the only option to be free of this shit. And you do deserve to be free of this.

Staying with him without drinking isn't an option, as he does not want to. You can't make him want to.

It doesn't need to be like this.

My DP drinks more than he should. But he's never said a bad word to me. He's lovely. Previously, I spent 15 years of my life with two alcoholic BFs before meeting DP. It was soul destroying. My self esteem was shot to pieces, I suspect yours is too. FWIW both my exes are still alcoholics, they never did change.

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:13

Yes Keats absolutely, and he knows heavy drinking makes me uncomfortable, he's even witnessed a little of what I had to put up with growing up (he had to go and get my younger sisters from my mums house because my step dad was drunk and threatening all sorts of things) so he fucking knows how i feel about it.

Yes we will be having a talk tomorrow.

I've just realised that I've only just started to relax now that I can hear him snoring, almost like i was waiting for him to come back down and carry on

OP posts:

thepobblewhohasnotoes · 18/01/2014 22:14

"But I know he will minimize it and say Im 'making his sound like some sort of abusive husband' because that's what he says"

You need to stop getting into arguments with him about whether he's treating you badly or not. It's a tactic on his behalf and at the moment it's working very well for him.

If you decide not to leave straight away, then you need to be clear, that if he wants to be with you he has to stop drinking. It doesn't matter whether he thinks it's a problem or not - it's a problem for you, and you get to say whether you want to be in this relationship or not.

Although, personally, I think you'll be flogging a dead horse, better to just leave IMO. You've given him enough chances already.

MissPryde · 18/01/2014 22:15

Your husband had a drink problem. As has been said, the film is irrelevant here. As is the frequency in which he drinks. If he's abusive (verbally and emotionally) to you when he drinks, as this story illustrates he is, as well as you being afraid of him, he has a serious problem. This isn't normal, op.

He's acknowledged this is an issue I'm the past. If you want this relationship to work, you need to discuss it again while he's sober, and he needs to agree to stop drinking entirely. You should offer support in this, but make it clear that if he gets pissed again,hhe's out.

Original poster

RandomUsername · 18/01/2014 22:19

thepobble you have also just reminded me of something somebody else told me on here when i last posted about this, they said 'being drunk doesn't suddenly change your thoughts, it just lowers your inhibitions, making it easier to say what you really think, so when he says these things to you when he's drunk then he probably thinks them when he's sober too'

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