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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my time off and dh aibu

134 replies

livingmydream612 · 18/01/2014 19:13

Can you settle an argument with me and dh please. Who is bu

We have been together 10 years and have a dd1yr.
Dh works full time starts his day at 0330am and is home at 4pm.
I start day with dd typically 07/08 am and she goes to bed at 7pm.
At the moment 3 nights per week after work he does all the looking after dd. I have the nights to do as I please, he has 2 nights per week and a day off sunday. He suggested we do this 7 weeks ago to give me some time to myself.
With the new year he is on a gym kick and also wants to sleep more after work therefore he has said that he now during the week I have to look after dd myself and I can get a half day of his sunday off for time to myself,
I realize this is a silly post but dh wants to know what you all think. I know I probably am being selfish here but I really look forward to my nights off.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingmydream612 · 19/01/2014 20:17

5 mad things... Yes time includes commute/getting ready for work etc. He finished at 1330 now and wants to go to gym from work then home,sleep/an hr playin with dd if that. She has one nap during day so is v tired by 1830 so doesnt want to play etc. Just snuggle up to you. Its best nicest time with her. (not v cuddly baby)
I feel like he is now pulling this back off me re time off and im pissed cause he suggestioned we do this 7 wks ago and of course I enjoy it!! Who wouldnt. I will keep going to my exercise classes 2 night per wk as its good for me

OP posts:
Doasbedoneby · 19/01/2014 22:07

He needs to stop working those hours.

They're horrendous for a family life

TeacupDrama · 19/01/2014 22:11

if DH is going to bed at 10 and getting up at 3.30 he is simply not getting enough sleep hence wanting to go to bed for a nap when he comes home; long term it is bad for his health to have so little sleep and unsustainable but that is not really the point of this OP also driving tired first thing in the morning before dawn is an accident risk ( 5am is apparently the worse time for accidents with tired drivers and tired drivers cause 10times more accidents than drunk ones)

nowhere earlier did OP mention DD had sleep problems she suggested rather that DD went to bed at 7pm and slept to 7am so it was reasonable to assume that neither of you had disturbed nights,

I do think it is reasonable that he spends some time with DD when he is home but it was suggested earlier that he got back at 4pm from work not that he finished at 1.30 you did make it sound as if he was out of house for 12.5 hours commuting/working and that really does not give much time in the week for anything else so this is a bit DRIP DRIP

I think you could both have 2 days so 2 days he goes to gym after work etc and 2 nights you do your exercise class

I think you need to talk more I think earlier arrangement was definitely more favourable to you maybe change is more favourable to him I think a new compromise is required

notmyproblem · 19/01/2014 22:31

Some posters are pretty thick. You all thought he was actually working from 3:30am to 4pm? Confused

Well done all your "YABU how dare you he's a very busy man he gets up at 3:30am you're a crap wife bad mother your job is easy SAHM" posts for making the OP feel like she had it easy. When now it looks like her DH who most of you have hero-typed is going to take the piss.

{slow clap}

FFS.

Sharaluck · 19/01/2014 23:58

Yabu!!

He should have the evenings for sleep of course!

You can have equal freetime on the weekend.

5madthings · 20/01/2014 00:04

read the fucking thread not just the op!

Sharaluck · 20/01/2014 00:05

Ok I just read more, so he wants the extra time to go to the gym. Compromise on this and he can go 2 days a week. Keep the other days the same as before so you can have 3 evenings. If he was struggling with lack of sleep due to early mornings that is different, but parents do need to make sacrifices with regards to exercise/hobbies. Share Sundays though.

Sharaluck · 20/01/2014 00:13

I don't have time to read a whole thread. It's the op's fault if they drip feed and don't give the full story initially and then have to wade through posts from people who have only read the op Confused

sofuckedup · 20/01/2014 00:18

either way i think this is an insane arrangement - poor DD - sounds like the sort of rota separated working parents have - all very odd

sofuckedup · 20/01/2014 00:20

and to be fair, I am a SAHM with 3 5 and under and I think with 1 OP has it easy - if my DH has to be up at stupid o clock or works nights, then I just get on with things.

caruthers · 20/01/2014 01:25

You're BU on many many levels OP.

Original poster
livingmydream612 · 20/01/2014 01:42

Sofukedup... Your choice to have 3 kids, I chose to have 1 child. Bully for you that you just get on with things. I like to have help by my dd dad. And she is in no way shape or form what u call poor.

There is no compromise reached. Dh very pleased most of u agree with him, he will do no parental responsibilities mon to fri as you are all in so much agreement with him. Apart from the few who see it as I do it seems we are the minority.

The old routine was more in my favour but now it is all in dh favour.
Tbh the women who say my husband wouldnt have to do anything if he worked those hours piss me off. What happened to parenting together and mum getting a break!! Also calling me a crap wife is laughable...

OP posts:
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/01/2014 01:52

Do not fall into that trap, if he has the energy to go to the gym he has the energy to look after his daughter.

I can't believe any loving parent would put the gym over spending time with his child.

5madthings · 20/01/2014 02:02

oh fgs you dont have to read the whole thread. you just have the posts highlighted so you can read those, its not difficult.

and ops dh if you are reading this then you are being pathetic and dont deserve to be called a dad if you think you can opt out of parenting five days a week, esp just so you can go to the gym!

my partner also does shift work with early starts and long hours, when he is at work yes i do everything, but when he is at home we are both'on duty' and get on with what needs doing. he wouldnt dream of buggering off to the gym five days a week or not spending time with his children! because he chose to be a parent and he wants to soend time with them and that includes the harder and more mundane parts of parenting, not just cuddles before bed and playtime.

op you worded your op poorly, anyone with halfa brain would read all your posts. but then i frequently find mysekf amazed by people that think its ok for dads to opt out of oarenting because they work. thank god in rl the men i know arent like this!

5madthings · 20/01/2014 02:07

oh and ops dh you will be the one that loses out. your child will only be little for a short time, they will quickly grow up and realise you would rather spend time at the gym than with them.

or your wife may even leave, she may as well as she is effectivelt oarenting on her own anyway....then you will have alk the time in the world for the gym...be careful what you wish for.

anastaisia · 20/01/2014 08:00

OP

There aren't just 2 options you know?

Instead of it being this way or that way - why don't you compromise on a third option instead? Maybe your ex gets both the weekend lie ins, goes to bed earlier week nights and you come up with a more relaxed rota that allows you to have a couple of evenings free to do your classes. Or whatever works for you to both be happy and both care for your daughter. It shouldn't matter that people agreed with your ex when they hadn't taken in all the information, or even if they did read it properly - you 2 are the 2 in the relationship who have to BOTH be happy with your lives.

My ex doesn't live with our daughter and manages more parenting than your DP thinks he should do. And he managed that when he was working crazy night time hours just as well as he manages it now.

Fairenuff · 20/01/2014 08:18

Unfortunately, OP, if you let strangers on the internet make your decisions for you, you may have to face the consequences.

You circumstances are individual to you as a couple. You should be talking this through together and helping each other out, not making it into a competition about who's worse off.

As others have said, there are alternatives. You could get a part time and put your dd into childcare so that you get a break from her and some time to mix with adults.

You could hire a babysitter in the evening or at the weekend and go out and do things together with your dh, instead of separately all the time.

Or you could sit down and talk together like adults.

If he refuses point blank to listen to your concerns and do what he can to help then your problem is not your working hours but that you dh is a selfish arse. Only you will know.

Blu · 20/01/2014 08:34

It's quite shocking that cooking dinner counts as time to yourself, and quite shocking that your dh is so selfish as to just sort out his own concerns and frustrations without trying to understand yours and work together as a partnership to make both your lives better.

As other posters have said there are other ways you could both address this.

Does he love you and his child or is be just treating this as a point scoring exercise?

WeeTeaJenny · 20/01/2014 08:43

I think you have a great deal , my partner works full time while I'm on mat leave and does nothing Childcare wise ! I never get a lie in on the weekend , he never offers to give me a night off with the baby , he will never get up and even get the kids dressed and fed even to let me get an hours catch up sleep.
It's pretty shit really ,,he's on holiday from work just now and has had a long lie every morning while I'm dealing with baby & toddler , writing all this down is making me see how shit my situation is , so really, if your partner is giving you nights off and long lies I think that sounds absolute bliss !!

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 08:56

OP, this is why you shouldn't drip feed. Your original OP made things sound very different from the reality.

Never, ever agree to make a decision based on responses you get on here. A lot of people are bonkers and will say deliberately nasty things.

Your OH is wrong to think he should sleep in the afternoon, he shouldn't need to. He could go to sleep at 7pm when DD does and get a full 8 hours sleep. He could still go to the gym a couple of times a week in the afternoons and still be back to have time with DD.

The evenings are your time to do whatever you like.

I think you may have to realise that time to yourself is a rare commodity with a toddler regardless of your situation.

Tweasels · 20/01/2014 08:59

WeeTeaJenny just because her situation is better the yours doesn't make it ok.

Your husband is taking the piss btw, you need to talk to him or you'll end up very, very resentful.

anastaisia · 20/01/2014 09:13

I think a lot of the agreement came from people not realising that the OP only meant time out from doing all the care stuff with DD not time off away from everything - it made what is just a normal division of labour sound like DP was doing much more than he is.

The new situation would be ridiculous, and I would quickly loose respect for a partner who would please themselves while I did housework around them AND did all the hands on care for our child all of the time - very different to having a busy week and checking out a bit more often than usual to rest.

formerbabe · 20/01/2014 09:21

Op...if you don't work, then what is the problem with doing all the housework and most of the childcare?

If you were working too, then fine to split the hw and cc.

scallopsrgreat · 20/01/2014 09:27

The fact alone that the OP is required to do ALL the housework should ring alarm bells that the arrangements are not exactly equitable (in favour of her H). As a SAHM you aren't a bloody housekeeper as well. Obviously you will need to a greater share but the other half of the partnership doesn't get to devolve his responsibilities when he is at home.

ethelhallow · 20/01/2014 09:31

Your dh is BU. I would be seriously pissed off if my dh suddenly decided to go on a gym kick rendering him useless and sleeping when he gets home when we have a toddler to take care of. He is being selfish, why can't he hold off his gym kick for a few years until your DD is older and less demanding?

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