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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my time off and dh aibu

134 replies

livingmydream612 · 18/01/2014 19:13

Can you settle an argument with me and dh please. Who is bu

We have been together 10 years and have a dd1yr.
Dh works full time starts his day at 0330am and is home at 4pm.
I start day with dd typically 07/08 am and she goes to bed at 7pm.
At the moment 3 nights per week after work he does all the looking after dd. I have the nights to do as I please, he has 2 nights per week and a day off sunday. He suggested we do this 7 weeks ago to give me some time to myself.
With the new year he is on a gym kick and also wants to sleep more after work therefore he has said that he now during the week I have to look after dd myself and I can get a half day of his sunday off for time to myself,
I realize this is a silly post but dh wants to know what you all think. I know I probably am being selfish here but I really look forward to my nights off.

OP posts:

littlewhitebag · 18/01/2014 19:41

So what you are talking about is normal family nights, taking turns to do bath, story bed? Why does it need to be so prescribed and days set down. If DH wants to go out to the gym some nights surely a bit of flexibility is needed. You make it sound like DD's night time routine is just another chore to be done along with the hoovering and laundry. Can't you be more relaxed about this?

Anomaly · 18/01/2014 19:44

So three days a week you get time off from 4pm until you go to bed. The other nights you have from 7pm. I think you get quite a good deal. Your dh has to work a full day and then three times a week his down time is looking after his dd. If he gets up at 3.30 he must be in bed not long after her.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/01/2014 19:44

You should both be getting the same amount of leisure time. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that he's going to have more playtime than you get in future - the fact that he is the wage-earner doesn't make him the boss of the household.

anastaisia · 18/01/2014 19:46

But the OP is still doing all the cooking and housework during her child free time if I read her posts right - so ALL the DP has to do is spend some time caring for his child. He's still getting fed and all that....

MammaTJ · 18/01/2014 19:46

I think if DD is in bed by 7, I am jealous and you have far more time to yourself than my DP (the main care giver). He is jealous too.

redskyatnight · 18/01/2014 19:49

OP is getting the same amount of leisure time that her DH - even with his new suggested arrangement. WIth their current arrangement OP is getting way more leisure time!

tshirtsuntan · 18/01/2014 19:53

Family time? When do you do things together? Imo This is what makes a cohesive family unit and stops it all becoming just a division of "chores"

Abc000 · 18/01/2014 19:59

Right (yes I am really this sad) I've just worked it out how many hours are being "worked":

Originally OP was 75 and OPP(Partner) was 84
Revised OP is 78 and OPP is 77.5

Therefore if it works for you two being this anal, yes the new revised plan is the one which is the "fair" option for both parties.

RunnerHasbeen · 18/01/2014 20:05

I think it is U to try and count the extra sleep he thinks he needs in the day as leisure time. Do you consider being asleep from 3.30am until 7/8 as leisure time?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/01/2014 20:05

Why have you posted another thread on the same matter?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2014 20:13

I can't do the maths.
But I think the time of day of your "time off" is significant.
If you only have evenings, after dd has gone to bed, then it's hard to fit in something meaningful.
If you go to the gym at 8pm (when, presumably your DH is at home but not yet in bed) then that's not really "equivalent" to having gym time at 4pm IMHO. If for no other reason than at 4pm, you a looking after dd and DH is at the gym. If you are at the gym at 8pm, then DH is really only "babysitting" while dd is asleep.
Obviously his early starts are a bit shit for him.
But I also think that it's erroneous (and potentially knobbish) of him to say that being at work is harder or of greatere value than the childcare that you do.
I mean, I have a "demanding" job and I adore my DCs, but looking after small children is utterly relentless.

So not clear cut really.

Fairenuff · 18/01/2014 20:16

OK so his 'working' day is 3.30am - 4pm which is 12.5 hours.

Your 'working' day is 7am - 7pm which is 12 hours.

So far, it's about even. The only problem you have is trying to cook dinner and look after the child at the same time. This is easily resolved by one of you cooking and the other watching your daughter.

After dinner, you should do the bath/bedtime because it's part of your working hours.

formerbabe · 18/01/2014 20:19

Sorry but looking after one child is not that taxing, especially when you compare it to getting up at 3.30am everyday!

Blu · 18/01/2014 20:20

It sounds as if you make the dinner while he takes responsibility for your dd and that is what you are calling 'time to yourself'? That's normal team work, 'can you watch dd while I get the dinner on?' and shouldn't need to be in a rota, or indeed counted as your time off.

I can imagine it is very hard to juggle all your time when he has that schedule.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2014 20:22

O does the housework?
Or do you have a cleaner?

Fairenuff · 18/01/2014 20:25

OP your time off is 7pm til whenever you go to bed. Probably about 4 hours every evening.

His time off is 4pm til whenever he goes to bed. Again, probably about 4 hours every evening. Apart from watching/playing with his daughter for about an hour whilst you sort the dinner out.

I can't see where there is any problem, you both seem to work hard, yet get enough sleep and time to yourselves.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/01/2014 20:34

I think its very unfair on your DH, he has to get up at 3.30 and go to work then you expect him to come home and start again. Its hard being the sole earner.

Being at home not working with no schedules, deadlines or boss and just one child and the housework is a doddle compared to working.

Onesiegoddess · 18/01/2014 20:47

I think you need the same amount of time off. You both work but in different ways.

Surely you can both have 3 x 3 hours off each week?

Or what about you both taking charge for an hour and a half every weekday?

TheGreatHunt · 18/01/2014 20:51

YABU

You're both point scoring and it's a little pathetic really. Your job is easier as a SAHM especially with just the one child.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2014 20:58

I think you should cut your DH some slack. He does A LOT. looking after one child, unless they're unusually difficult, is much easier than working ooh. And he starts at 3.30!!!! Presumably your dd sleeps during the day so you have a few hours off in the day already?

MostWicked · 18/01/2014 21:01

I don't understand why you need a rota. Can you not just work together on an evening, maybe having 1 night a week off each.
If doesn't need to be quite this complicated.

TeacupDrama · 18/01/2014 21:07

if DH gets up at 3.30 am for 7-8 hours sleep he must go to bed at about 7.30-8.30 so the spare time he has each day is from 4-8.00 to have playtime with DD. down time, eat dinner and some nights go to gym, approx 4 hours

OP goes to bed at 11 gets up 7am each day she has from 7-11pm, again 4 hours unless DD has major sleep problems OP could go out in the evenings, personally I think she has better deal at present

with the change I think it is more even

depending on DH I think arriving back at 4pm afte long day an hour to wind down on his own then 5-7 family time sharing out dinner bath/ bed being together when DD in bed a chance for you to catch up as couple before he has to go to bed, 2-3 nights for him to go to gym and get an early night seems reasonable, also if DD sleeps well there is no reason OP could not go out in the evening if it is really unusual for DD to wake
saturday as family day and you both get half of sunday free is still very fair and he is still probably marginally worse off as presumably a 1 year old is also still having a daytime nap

Ra88 · 18/01/2014 21:08

Wow !

Your DH sure has the short straw

Joysmum · 18/01/2014 21:20

I'm probably going to get flamed, but I don't think that the majority of time (although there were some tough periods) my time as a SAHM was far less intense and less stressful than my hubby's time at work.

I could cook the dinner during the day and get pretty much everything fine during the day do that when he got in, we could chill together. Meals can be batch cooked and made in advance and I'd clear up in the morning.

Of course there were done fifficult times and hubby would take find off or do more in the evenings to make my day easier if he could sense it was getting a bit much. Unfortunately I couldn't do anything to help him with his work and he was more stressed than me most of the time.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 18/01/2014 21:25

I can do almost nothing additional when my DCs are around.
I don't know how you all do it.

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