my time off and dh aibu

[livingmydream612]

Can you settle an argument with me and dh please. Who is bu

We have been together 10 years and have a dd1yr.
Dh works full time starts his day at 0330am and is home at 4pm.
I start day with dd typically 07/08 am and she goes to bed at 7pm.
At the moment 3 nights per week after work he does all the looking after dd. I have the nights to do as I please, he has 2 nights per week and a day off sunday. He suggested we do this 7 weeks ago to give me some time to myself.
With the new year he is on a gym kick and also wants to sleep more after work therefore he has said that he now during the week I have to look after dd myself and I can get a half day of his sunday off for time to myself,
I realize this is a silly post but dh wants to know what you all think. I know I probably am being selfish here but I really look forward to my nights off.

Ps if you can afford it get a cleaner. Buys you more free time. When DS naps I hang laundry out then relax with a cup of tea or grab a nap myself.

Some days I'm up at half 4 for work and back before 3pm and all I wanna do is sleep! Your DH will be shattered. Parenting is shared you shouldn't need to arrange child free time just take it up as and when

So what will the new arrangement be OP?

That your DP comes in from work or heads off to the gym 5 nights a week and you cook, clean and look after DD around him?

You share care on Saturday and have half a day off each on Sunday?

I'm used to being a single parent, so I'm not all 'oooh no how will a mother cope if she does all the house/care work' I know people can do it alone, but I don't see that outcome making for a happy home environment in the long term personally. Especially if it means you having to give up your exercise classes?

I get up at 5 for work and after the school run I don't get home till 4, DH is often in work so I will do it all.

The op isn't asking for a lot, just look after his own child. While she does the housework and cooking and perhaps get a chance to exercise herself

I think that looking after a 1 yo is relentless and exhausting, more so than most paid employment,so YANBU to want a break.

You are also saying you are using most of that 'break' time to get on with cooking and household chores, it's not as if you're popping out for sundowners in the local cocktail bar.

In your situation I would view the promise of a specific night or two off to go to an exercise class as really important to my sanity.

But, your DH has a pretty relentless schedule.

I would downgrade your housework expectations, cook really simple meals, do everything you can to reduce the drudgery to get the time back.

It feels endless but it does get easier as they get older.

You both work a 12 hour day.

You can both have 8 hours sleep a night.

That leaves 4 hours free for leisure time a day.

That is enough for anyone, OP and should work very well for you. You can go out to the gym at 7pm once your dh is home. You can go out with friends, you can relax and read or watch tv.

The only thing you can't do is go shopping without your child, so you could arrange to do that at the weekend when childcare and housework is shared between you.

You can have a lie in each at the weekend too. It sounds very workable to me.

Are some people saying because her dh has an early start when he gets in he should do nothing? And can't be expected to help look after his own child?

My dp does shift work, long hours including early starts, evenings and weekends, nights etc. But when he is at home he is as much 'on duty' as I am.

If one of us is knackered the other will do more, but he would never expect to come in from work and do nothing whilst I do everything just because he has been at work.

We have no idea what time either the op or her dh go to bed, maybe he stays up till 10pm? Not every adult needs 8 hours sleep a night and as the op says a the child is having sleep issues maybe she isn't getting that either?

From 3:30when he goes to work she so still on duty, she may get to sleep or she may be dealoign with the toddler sometimes.

They both need to work out when they can have some time off, of they want a rota the can have one, but its not unreasonable for him to help get their daughter in bed etc even if he has been at work.

What is the new plan op, is he wanting to go to the gym every evening? That would be unreasonable, but you could both have a night pof the week when you can get to exercise, even if its just a half hour run etc. Then Sundays are split if thats how you want to do it.

We dotn do fixed days, times like that, we can't anyway because of DPs chamgign shifts but also I wouldnt like the rigidness of that, some days I may be fine but some days I might really need a break and the same for dp.

You need to find a balance that works, but there is no reason why working means you get to opt out of parenting once you are home.

the difference currently in that his 4 hours free are 4-8pm which include dinner, playtime with DD and bathtime ( in reality about 1 free hour 7-8pm) while her free 4 hours 7-11pm do not include any such activites they are genuinely completely free

But in her 'free time' on the evenings 'off' she is the one to cook dinner for all of them? While the DP spends time with their daughter. And on his free evenings (2 a week) she cooks dinner AND does the childcare stuff so he has those 2 evenings completely free except for when he eats the dinner prepared for him?

In the new arrangement it seems that he will have all the free time in the week, while she potentially does all the cooking, cleaning and childcare from when DD wakes to when she sleeps.

Is that really what some people are saying? Should he not have to do anything because he works? This point of view seem completely foreign to me :/

the op says in further posts they both play with their dd in this time and she cooks diner and tidies, thats not time off.

its just family life. they both get time once the toddler is in bed.

its not unreasonable for him to join in with family life once he gets in from work, you dont get to opt out of every week night dinner, bath, bed etc just because you work.

glad its not just me anastasia!

If a woman was moaning about getting up at 3.30 you'd all tell her to stop being a baby.

It's just shift work. It sucks but millions of people do it and it doesn't mean you're a saint who gets to do fuck all when you come home.

Exactly - if I was the parent up early and out all day, I would cherish the time with DD and be grateful to my partner for making us dinner and doing all the housework so I could focus on spending quality time with her.

I'd be concerned in the OPs position that after 7 weeks of this arrangement DD's other parent is asking to hand back all genuine responsibility for weekday childcare too.

Everyone is saying 'oh, he does work sooooo hard'

But what is best for your daughter? Is it too see you doing all the in the house work and childcare? Is it to have quality time with her father who works out of the house all day at least a few days a week? How will their relationship change if he drops the bed times he's been doing just long enough for it to be a real routine and she sees him leaving it to you while he relaxes/goes out?

i actually just read this out to my dp, he doesnt see why its such a hardship for her dh to watch the toddker whilst the op cooks dinner for them! she isnt having time off.

i agree the op is worded badly but later posts make it clear she still plays with toddker, then cooks dinner and tidies up etc and he puts toddler to bed. thats not much for him to do and as he doesnt see toddler much in the day you would expect him to want to do some stuff with her?!

or are peole thinking its ok for him to do nothing or go to the gym whilst op looks after toddler and cooks dinner and tidies up as he has been at work?

But in her 'free time' on the evenings 'off' she is the one to cook dinner for all of them? While the DP spends time with their daughter. And on his free evenings (2 a week) she cooks dinner AND does the childcare stuff so he has those 2 evenings completely free except for when he eats the dinner prepared for him?

No, Anastasia you've got that all wrong.

HER free time is 7pm - 11pm (child is in bed)

HIS free time is 4pm - 8pm

Therefore, she is cooking dinner during her WORKING time.

He is playing with dd, doing the bath and bedtime during his FREE time.

Honestly, why do some posters find that so hard to understand?

they both get time once the toddler is in bed.

SHE gets time - 4 hours (see above)

HE gets about an hour because he has to be up at 3.30am.

No where does it say he goes to bed at 8pm you have just assumed that! He may go to bed later, they both get time off when the baby is in bed, he was also getting all of sunday.

As it is the op is not getting time off from 4-7pm she is cooking etc, the dh is watching the toddler which is fine or are you seriously suggesting he shousltn watch the toddler because he has been at work?

She kids are up and both parents are at home you not just pitch in and get stuff done.

The op also posted at midnight from her phone as the toddler is having sleep issues, so it appears she deals with night times as well, fair enough in the week as her partner has to get up early.

What is this obsession with certain amounta of time off?

And again you are assuming the op stays up till 11pm and that is her time off, she may well be needing to go to bed early as she is getting up in the night dealing with the toddler.

Even of he is up early for work it doesn't mean he can't watch the toddler whilst she cooks and it should not be seen that he is doing her such a bit favour and sacrificing his 'time off' to do so, its called parenting and being part of a family.

No, under their current arrangement her free time includes those hours. You may disagree that is the best arrangement, but that isn't a misunderstanding.

When you're working different hours sometimes you do have to plan. DP does shift work, I do 9-5. We tag-team DD between us.

He seems like he gets more time off because on the odd occasion we're both in all day, we'll do something together as a family but then he might have all afternoon to himself to do what he wants computer games

But the difference is his working days, between a difficult job, shift work and picking up DD, are up before 5am and keep going until I get home at 6.30 etc. My working day, with a nice office job, is much shorter and I get every evening after DD has gone to bed, so 2 or 3 hours to myself every day.

Life is easier if you work roughly the same hours, are in every evening, and have weekends, and the rota system some couples put together can look clinical from the outside. But sometimes it's necessary.

But in this case, it sounds like you are getting more time off than he is.

Anyway, shouldn't it be about what is best for the dd in all of this - not some point scoring 'I work the most hours'

How can it be good for a child for one parent to only take full responsibility for them for half a day a week? (when both are home much more than that, I know it's totally not the same thing if work really doesn't allow it etc). If the DPs job really prevents him from parenting in the week (but doesn't seem to stop him going to the gym) maybe they need to consider their options as a family and see if there would be the possibility of him requesting more family friendly hours or even changing jobs? Especially if in the future she will be going back to work or they're planning on having more children together.

Hey sorry I have had a busy day so havent been on. Anastasia a real daddys girl. you have my exact understanding of the way things are. I do go to bed around 10. My dh goes to bed around 10 also. He wants to finish work at 2pm, go to the gym for 90 mins then come home and sleep until around 6 every weeknight therefore he will only have from 6 until 7 quality time with her, where she will be bathed earlier bye etc. I will cook dinner/clean from 6 until 7ish on the new rota. I am worried that my dd will miss her dad as sheis a real daddys girl already. Currently on his free nights he does not have to bath dd etc he is completely free to see friends/internet whatever. Ony free night's I have to do all cooking/cleaning etc. Hope that makes it clearer.
I was quite surprised by the amount of women who felt that he didnt deserve todo amything as he was up from half 3. He starts at 5 btw. I also do all night
Waking. So sorry for typos i am on mobile n trying to prepare dinner.

God damn phone. 5madthings you are also thinking the way I think.

Dd will be bathed everyday by me. Therefore dh sees he for the nice clean storytime :-)
My free nights and every day I do all hwork, all cooking and washing etc. He doesnt do any hwork at all.

God am crap at explaining this but Anastasia and 5madthings understand it and tell it the way I mean to.

So 3:30 am to 4pm includes his commute time? Amd now he propose that he should go the gym five days a week, come home and sleep for a couple of hours ams then get up just as the toddler is going to bed whilst you do everything?!

That is taking the piss.

On the three nights a week he currently watches toddler whilst you do cooking and housework and puts her to bed.

The other two evenings you do cooking and housework and deal with toddler and he does as he pleases, goes out etc?

And he has been having Sundays off as well?

Do you get Saturday off?

Its a joke to say you have been having time off when you have been cooking dinner for you all and tidying up!

Currently you both get three hours once toddler is in bed, tho if you are anything like dp and myself we just want to crash, go online, watch tv etc in that time.

He does essentially want to opt out of parenting in the week..well sorry bit it doesn't work like that!

How about in the week he has two nights he goes to the gym and you also have a night or two to go exercise or whatever?

BTW do you have a slow cooker? Then you can get dinner cooking during trhe day and not have to so it in the evening, can be very helpful.

So 3:30 am to 4pm includes his commute time? Amd now he propose that he should go the gym five days a week, come home and sleep for a couple of hours ams then get up just as the toddler is going to bed whilst you do everything?!

That is taking the piss.

On the three nights a week he currently watches toddler whilst you do cooking and housework and puts her to bed.

The other two evenings you do cooking and housework and deal with toddler and he does as he pleases, goes out etc?

And he has been having Sundays off as well?

Do you get Saturday off?

Its a joke to say you have been having time off when you have been cooking dinner for you all and tidying up!

Currently you both get three hours once toddler is in bed, tho if you are anything like dp and myself we just want to crash, go online, watch tv etc in that time.

He does essentially want to opt out of parenting in the week..well sorry bit it doesn't work like that!

How about in the week he has two nights he goes to the gym and you also have a night or two to go exercise or whatever?

BTW do you have a slow cooker? Then you can get dinner cooking during trhe day and not have to so it in the evening, can be very helpful.

What struck me from OP is that H offered the current arrangement 7 weeks ago 'in order to give OP more free time' and is now reeling the offer back in - not just adjusting, but going back to 'OP has no chance during week of going (eg) to a 7-8 pm exercise class, even though her DH is physically in the house.' Rather than counting hours, wouldn't it be better to look at 'non-parenting/housework things you'd both like to do' and see how you could support each other in doing them? If you can work that out, you could have a much better work-life balance than many young families manage, thanks to your DHs early arrival home from work!