my time off and dh aibu

[livingmydream612]

Can you settle an argument with me and dh please. Who is bu

We have been together 10 years and have a dd1yr.
Dh works full time starts his day at 0330am and is home at 4pm.
I start day with dd typically 07/08 am and she goes to bed at 7pm.
At the moment 3 nights per week after work he does all the looking after dd. I have the nights to do as I please, he has 2 nights per week and a day off sunday. He suggested we do this 7 weeks ago to give me some time to myself.
With the new year he is on a gym kick and also wants to sleep more after work therefore he has said that he now during the week I have to look after dd myself and I can get a half day of his sunday off for time to myself,
I realize this is a silly post but dh wants to know what you all think. I know I probably am being selfish here but I really look forward to my nights off.

My DH works similar hours and I work part time. I do everything with the DCs and all of the housework. He just does the washing up and he pays for everything. My salary is mine to spend as I wish so I cannot complain about having to do things around the house and look after my own kids. And neither can you.

I have a one and a half year old. Neither of us gets any thing else done while we r looking after her! As a rule that is. Sometimes cooking beyond that moment's meal and washing up/extra cleaning happens but that would be exceptional and probably meant getting dd on board with it. We don't expect each other to manage housework though something ie admin during nap time.
She doesn't sleep well at night either.

I find the whole 'time off' thing completely bizarre. You're a family, a unit. You work together to get things done, and cooperate to ensure everyone gets the rest and leisure time they need. But you don't need to start dividing it into set hours and rotas - no wonder looking after your dd feels like hard work if you approach it like this. You must put as much energy into monitoring the rota as you do into anything else!

Sometimes your dh will be tired - anyone who gets up at 3.30 every day would be. On those days, cut him some slack and let him have a rest. On other days you will be tired and frazzled - make sure he it's aware of your needs then, so you can get your downtime.

But some days it won't be possible for either of you to get the rest time you need, and other days one of you will have to sacrifice your own desire for leisure time because the other person's needs are greater than yours. That's what family life is, and you just live with it.

I work from 9am to 4pm

If I worked from 3.30am to 4pm, I think it'd kill me.

How does he manage it? How does he stay awake to look after your child?

No.matter what time you go to bed, you never get used to 3.30am starts.

Have you included nap time in your leisure time?

I find the whole division of labour thing bizaire... Newly walking children do take a lot of supervision but I am at a loss what you want to have a rota for...If you want to sit down and read a book why not do so when DH and DD are in bed... Nap time...

Or do more during nap time?

If the op os tidyign up and cooking whilst her dh is watching the toddler she isnt exaclty haivng time off ffs.

But her time off is from 7pm 5madthings. Surely that's plenty of time to herself?

And he has time off fromm7pm as well, she is not off from 4pm itl 7pm she is just doign hosuework and cooking etc, he is pitchign in as he should be, its his child as well.

I don gr tthis divying up of time off tbh, whilst my dp is at wokr I am on duty, once he gets in we are both on duty, the childczre, preparing food, tidying, washing, whatever needs to be done is just got on with by both of us.

If one of us is knackered or ill etc the other will take over.

We both get time off when the kids are in bed and other time we will check if its ok to go out etc, ie I have a meal out I chekced dp had no plans amd vice versa.

We dotn count up hours off we just make suewe are both happy, sometiems I might have more tiem off, others him but ultimstley we are a team and when we are both at home the workload is shared by both of us.

So on the days when your DH looks after dd in the evenings after coming home from work, you are effectively expecting him to work a fifteen and a half hour day? While you do around 8-9 hours on those days? No wonder he wants to swap for half a Sunday instead!

Would you be willing to work the hours that you're expecting your DH to work?

I think YABU.

Let me get this straight. He gets up 4 hours earlier than you do and on 3 nights a week he 'works' at caring for your DD for 3 hours after you've stopped. In other words, on those days he is working 7 hours longer than you, and you think you're getting the raw end of the deal? Really? Do you do 21 hours on the Sunday to even things out?

If the OP id tidying up and cooking whilst her partner has her DD then they are quits ... apart from the bit where he gets up 4 hours earlier ....

This has to be joke, surely.
Your DH gets up at 3.30am and you're moaning about not having time to read a book?

And he has time off fromm7pm as well, she is not off from 4pm itl 7pm she is just doign hosuework and cooking etc, he is pitchign in as he should be, its his child as well

I didn't say she is off from 4pm til 7pm. I said she is still doing her working hours until 7pm.

He stops at 4pm because by then he has already done over 12 hours. He probably goes to bed at about 8pm.

It's not hard to follow.

She does 7am - 7pm

He does 3.30am - 4pm

So after 7pm OP has about 4 hours every evening to herself.

I do actually totally get it OP! I'd like to know in advance what time I could be guaranteed as "free" time too. You need that really, if you want to commit to things like clubs/meet ups/evening classes, etc, or just plan what you want to do with your time to make the most of it.

I like to have lists and timetables, etc, of the stuff I want to do in a week... just a way of thinking, IMO.

Far better to sit down and work out what you expect of each other in this way, than to just assume it will magically happen (or to just assume it will never happen).

I think though that it's wrong to describe your current free time as actually "free" - you are both working together during that time to cook dinner, do bath time etc, and that's the way you should think of it. I think you should work out what actual free time you both want, and then work out if that's fairly balanced.

This has to be a windup.
You are a sahm with one child and complaining about not having enough time for yourself? WTF?
You don't sound like a very good wife either, if my DH woke up at 3:30 there's no way on earth I would expect him to do anything after work.

Hey

Thanks for the replies everyone. Dh now very happy most of you agree with him.
To answer a few of your questions. I do all of the housework/washing/cooking etc as a sahm thats my job as well.
I like time together but I also like time myself and I a honest enough to admit it.
I like to do 2 excercise classes on my nights off and I like being able to plan things when I know I am free.
I think most of you are right that we need to relax much more as the way I have described it does sound controlled etc and I dont like the sound of many of your reactions to it. I agree it is fairer the way dh would like it to be.
Sorry for spelling. On mobile and toddler going through a sleep regression stage lately. And she naps for one hour in the afternoon which I dont Include as me time as I spend that time tidying cleaning etc.
Thanks for all your thoughts it has helped me see i am v lucky

I think it's really off to say someone doesn't sound like a good wife.
Dh is working rubbish hours and is sole wage earner, but making dinner ain't time to yourself in my book.
And looking after a toddler plus ALL housework is hard work IMHO.

We'll done op for taking that graciously. with regard to nap time I used to make sure I did housework when DDS we're awake, not always easy but that was the aim, so that as soon as they we're down for a nap, I got my book out or watched a movie. You can make hw a game or get a little one involved.

And btw its

And btw its

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DH gets up for work @ 530am (DS sadly also wakes @ that time) and gets home 6-615pm. He gets a lie in at weekends. When he gets home from work I make him a cup of tea/prepare DS bed stuff milk etc/prep dinner whilst DH and DS sit and watch tv together. We do bath/bedtime together and DH gives DS his milk and puts him down whilst I get dinner ready. I wouldn't expect him to do anything more onerous as he has a long day. I think your DH is right.

I hate this phone. Never get a Samsung galaxy anyone.
And btw it's good to be organised. Makes sense really. I think your original post was just unintentionally clinical, which people responded to. We do 2x gym nights each, 1 x date night, 1 afternoon off each on a weekend. T works for us.