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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About eating out and tipping

525 replies

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 17/01/2014 20:25

I've just endured a meal with the inlaws and fil insisted on rounding the bill up - not to the nearest £10 but to the nearest £20 before splitting it out evenly between us all.

The meal was a set price the only thing that varied it was the drinks.

DH and I only had enough money for our share of the bill (tight month) and yet FIL would not accept this and nearly started a row saying we should pay the extra as it was for a tip, the service was shit tbh and didn't deserve one.

AIBU to be angry with FIL for insisting we spend more money than we had budgeted for a)because he got pissed as a fart and most of the bill was his drinks and b) for him rounding it up without asking

How do you deal with group meals and splitting the bill? This has really upset me as I'm now utterly skint

OP posts:
Original poster
Normalisavariantofcrazy · 17/01/2014 21:15

How is it mean?!

I pay for what I consume. If the service is exceptional I will tip. I won't tip as standard behaviour and I won't tip if I'm skint.

I pay my bill though.

OP posts:
EverybodysStressyEyed · 17/01/2014 21:16

I tip in restaurants and taxis and accept it as a cost of using those services so it is budgeted. It is the cultural norm here and the taxman takes a cut of 'expected tips' from the two mentioned above. So I feel bad I I don't tip because they are taxed as I they are

I only tip if service is good (I find it rare that it isn't) and always ask of they get the tip if put on credit card. If no, I leave them cash.

To your original question - your fil was unreasonable. If you go out with them again tell them at the start and get the meals on separate bills if necessary.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 17/01/2014 21:18

I'm confused. The first few posts I read I figured the thread and Op was more about the FIL getting pissed and being dictatorial

Was I wrong, as it seems to have veered off more to the debate on tipping?

Of course there is the issue about whether the service was up to scratch or not, but I still read it more about the FiL's behaviour and expectations.

Original poster
Normalisavariantofcrazy · 17/01/2014 21:20

Yes the thread is mainly a whinge about my controlling FIL but has veered off into the etiquette of tipping!

OP posts:
OddFodd · 17/01/2014 21:21

It is the case in the UK volestair. I know only one person who doesn't tip - my BIL as I mentioned in a pp. Every other person I've ever eaten out with and I eat out in restaurants a lot for both work and pleasure, tips at least 10% and usually 12.5%

Like I said, if you read tourist guides to the UK, they also advocate tipping.

PrimalLass · 17/01/2014 21:22

I don't think that a 'discretionary charge' is usually added outwith London tbh.

I have always tipped 10%, but would expect the cost of the meal to pay the staff. The tip is extra.

Only once have I refused to tip. It was in London, in Covent Garden. The service was truly shocking - drinks left sitting on the bar, no cutlery given etc. The waitress tried the 'I live off my tips' shite, but she should have bothered her arse working for them then.

drivingmisslazy · 17/01/2014 21:22

YANBU

FIL out of order.

and fwiw I only tip for great service. :)

MrsOakenshield · 17/01/2014 21:23

I tip (12.5 if I can work that out) if the service was fine, and I am more generous if it was excellent. Don't tip if the service really was shite.

However, for meals out in a group I just budget to pay an equal portion - it's just too wearying to say I had this, you had that or whatever. Unless I know the other people very well indeed.

lilyaldrin · 17/01/2014 21:25

I'm not sure that it is "the norm" to tip either waiting staff or taxi drivers in the UK - more something that some people do, and some people don't. I certainly don't think it's an expectation.

PrimalLass · 17/01/2014 21:25

But when we eat out with the PILs they always pay (after a bit of a wallets at dawn scenario) and we pay the tip.

MrsKoala · 17/01/2014 21:25

Well your fil insisting you tip would only seem controlling if you accept that tipping isn't the norm or the amount was way above 10-12%. As you haven't said how much it is and have made it clear you wouldn't tip anyway, i don't think your fil was being controlling because for me, everyone i know and lots of other people (some on this thread), tipping that amount is the norm and it isn't controlling to expect people you are with to join in societal norms.

I did say that if every time you go out you agree to split it together then i also don't think his expectation was controlling or U. Just a pattern you have fallen into. If you didn't want to split the bill equally then you should have asked the waitress when she took your order and made it clear to fil at the beginning of the meal.

Therefore i don't think your fil was being controlling or U. So yabu on both counts.

WitchWay · 17/01/2014 21:26

I don't tip routinely. Often tips are pooled & don't go to "your" waiter/ress anyway

MakingEveryDayCount · 17/01/2014 21:32

If you are too mean to leave a tip don't eat out.

Hmm If I'm going out for a meal, why should I be adding extra to my bill to top up the staff's wages?
That should be the tight arsed employers job, not mine.

DontmindifIdo · 17/01/2014 21:36

Well, op, I said up thread, if you don't want to split the bill at the end, the only polite way to do that is to say so before any food is ordered and ask for separate bills. Waiting until the bill has arrived as just one large bill to be haggled over is too late. I thought again, this one of those basic norms of eating out most people know.

I guess next time you want to eat out with pil you'll know to say at the start you want separate bills and ask your waiter for a separate bill (it's easier for them to run separate tabs from the start).

Both the tipping and the straight splitting of the bill are basic norms of eating out in a group in the uk, if you want to do something different, the onus is on you to say so, and the end if the evening is a shitty point to do that.

lollerskates · 17/01/2014 21:43

Your FIL sounds like a cunt.

I absolutely believe in tipping extravagantly and I always tip shitloads, no matter how bad the service is (no eye contact? no problem!) because I know how soul-destroyingly shit that job can be. That being said, I tip with my own money. I don't think it's reasonable to make the people with me contribute to something that is very personal to me (and arguably completely irrational).
Also it's not ok for your FIL to try and get other people to pay for his booze.

Bluegrass · 17/01/2014 21:54

OP - I think you come across as so incredibly unpleasant I think yourFIL deserves kudos just for sharing a table with you. So glad there is no one like you in my social circle.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/01/2014 21:55

Wow. I'm Canadian so this attitude to tipping is hard for me to understand - hard for me to stomach, to be honest. I can't believe people think it is ok not to tip! Thinking about it is making me feel all uncomfortable. I wouldn't be going out for dinner with you again.

Last time I was in Canada, European friends were visiting and took us for dinner, left a 10% tip and I only learned this because the waiter came over visibly upset and asking if anything was wrong and apologising for our meals (which had been fine). I had to give a quick and hopefully unobtrusive lesson in tip etiquette Smile

I tip waiters, bartenders, taxi drivers, hairdressers, manicurists, masseuses, takeaway delivery drivers.... I am sure the list is longer.

lollerskates · 17/01/2014 21:57

The service tonight was genuinely bad.
None of you automatic tippers would have tipped.

You're wrong there mate. I had a waitress once on a Saturday morning who literally dropped the cutlery for all six of us into the middle of the table and then walked away, instead of laying the table up properly. She got a particularly handsome tip from me because I project like a motherfucker.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 17/01/2014 21:57

I'm afraid I kind of agree with Bluegrass

but being Canadian I'm too wishy washy to actually say so

Only1scoop · 17/01/2014 21:57

I think Blue sums it up sadly Hmm

MrsGarlic · 17/01/2014 21:59

Your FIL was being VU trying to get you to cover his booze bill. Very, very U indeed. However I am shocked by this tipping discussion. I've always thought it the norm in this country to tip and never known anyone not to. I have only once withheld a tip and the service was truly, truly shocking and we explained why we weren't leaving one. I'd never go out to a restaurant with only enough money for the food but no tip.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/01/2014 22:13

Just checked trip advisor re tipping in the uk

Not usual to tip in a cafe, tho you can if you want or put money in a tip jar

Not usual to tip some where were you order at a counter and a waiter brings your food (most pubs) tho you can if you want or put money in a tip jar

In a restaurant were your order is taken and the food brought over it is usual to tip 10%, you can obviously tip more

When we go out we tip about 10% as a family, in a large group most people I know would tip a pound or two! not necessarily 10% of our order if you see what I mean.

The service would have to be shit for me not to tip at all and fantastic for me to tip more, but that's me, it's not compulsory in this country (unlike the USA, I have heard stories of people being chased down the street)

hearts some people (not me) don't read up on tip etiquette in foreign countries, may be easier for future guests to explain in advance.

My understanding is that we are discussing tipping in uk, obviously you are quite right tipping varies from country to country

Lucylouby · 17/01/2014 22:21

When I worked as a waitress, we all loved to get tips, but we didn't always get them. So I wouldn't say that they are the norm in the uk. Maybe it depends on which area you are in? We are in the midlands btw. We don't eat out often, but when we do, we may or may not tip, it does depend on the service and the standard of the food. When we eat out as a group (it's always the same group) we pay for our own stuff. We don't split the bill as its not fair. Some of us are on budgets, some can afford massive steaks, with all the extras so it just isn't fair. If we do go out with other people I always try to ask before we order what are we doing with the bill as this can influence what I order.

I am on a similar income to a waitress (minimum wage type job) and I don't get a tip, as you wouldn't tip your child carer. YANBU op, you should not be scrimping about so your fil can get drunk at your expense.

RufusTheReindeer · 17/01/2014 22:23

My friends son worked at tgi Fridays and one night got a £200 tip!!! Fact!!!

It was a large table of people and he did work very hard for it!

SilverOldie · 17/01/2014 22:26

YABU and wrong that tipping is a recent thing. I'm in my 60's and have always tipped and my parents did so before me.

You should have agreed with your FIL at the beginning of the meal that you would pay for your own food/drink.