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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DP BU to cancel maintenance payments to ex...

234 replies

missymarmite · 15/01/2014 20:06

If he gets fined for her taking their 2 kids out of school for a weeks holiday with her partner.

It would only be until his share of the fine has been paid off. This is in light of the recent court case where a couple got taken to court and have to pay nearly a grand for taking their kids out on holiday. Apparently each parent is liable, even non-resident ones who have done nothing wrong! Why should our family suffer for HER holiday!

OP posts:
MeepMeepVrooooom · 15/01/2014 23:58

Why are you getting so stressed by a hypothetical outcome. Chill out a bit, you don't know what's going to happen.

I'm not sure AIBU is for you.

Original poster
missymarmite · 15/01/2014 23:59

Sorry to those of you who have been supportive. Your comments have been noted and will help. Thank you.

To the rest; if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 16/01/2014 00:01

I don't think you have quite grasped the concept of AIBU Missy.

Its not to be mean to OPS, but you will get robust opinions.

Are you new here?

takingthathometomomma · 16/01/2014 00:02

Why did you ask if you're being unreasonable?

foreverondiet · 16/01/2014 00:05

On the basis they won't starve etc he is right to withhold, but he should tell school he is opposed to it etc.

eightandthreequarters · 16/01/2014 00:06

Your first thought (reduce the MP) is a decent solution to a difficult situation. DH sends her a firm but polite email (keep a copy) saying he opposes the holiday, then does nothing more... if fined, pay the fine, then reduce the MP to cover it. Sorted.

ComposHat · 16/01/2014 00:10

Sighs

Try this:

  1. Your partner calls his ex tomorrow. 'Is the term time holiday still going ahead?

If no, hurray forget about it.

  1. If yes explain 'they are taking a hardline on this now, even though I'm the non-resident parent I can still be fined for their absence. '

  2. If this doesn't make her change her mind. follow it up with
    I don't agree with the children being taken away during term time and I am going to make this clear to the school in a letter, stating that I don't consent to them being withdrawn from school.

  3. Write letter to school. Along the lines of:

Dear [Headteachers name],

I am the father of [childname1] & [childname2] and I am seperated/divorced from the children's mother [exesname] and [exesname is the resident parent.

In a recent conversation with the children's mother, she told me that she will be withdrawing [childname1] & [childname2] for a total of x school days between dd//mm/yy and dd/mm/yy for a holiday.

I would like to make it clear that I have not given my consent for [childname1] & [childname2] to be withdrawn from school and feel very strongly that holidays in term time are inappropriate and will have a detrimental effect on the children's education.

The decision to withdraw the children was made by [exes name] alone. I have made opposition to withdrawing the children clear to [exesname] but legally I am unable to take any further steps to stop her withdrawing our children from school between these dates.

I hope I have your support in this matter and trust you will pass on this letter to the relevant bodies.

Yours sincerely,

[partnersname]

  1. Send recorded delivery to Head and to ex.
Supercosy · 16/01/2014 00:14

Perfect Compos!

MadameDefarge · 16/01/2014 00:18

Just for the record, OP, any poster can post anything they like on any thread as long as it falls within talk guidelines.

You might find this helps you on the site as a whole.

You can't actually evict people from threads.

DizzyZebra · 16/01/2014 00:54

The head teacher should be able to advise surely?

OP, I am the first person to tell someone to sit the eff down if they are overstepping boundaries where step children are concerned. But you really aren't. You and your OH have not chosen to do this so you shouldn't be paying any fines at all. It is perfectly reasonable to expect her to pay all of it.

I am NRP to my daughter and not a chance in hell would i be paying a fine if her dad and his wife decided to take her out of school. (Not that he would be so unreasonable as to expect me to anyway).

highho1 · 16/01/2014 01:16

Are you sure he would be fined op? I thought it was just resident parents who were fined.

WhatDoYouDoWithToothpaste · 16/01/2014 02:12

No it is both parents who get the fine, even if a NRP has not seen a child in years, they will get a fine. This is going to make some interesting news articles as these fines start to be enforced.

OP, do you normally post on the huns netmums? We are allowed an opinion on MN, and we don't have to agree with an OP, if what you want is everyone agreeing with you and not develop or have any personal growth then maybe MN is not the place for you?

Jengnr · 16/01/2014 05:53

My goodness, some people are really laying into the OP and for what?

She didn't at any point say that maintenance was 'taking money away from her kids' she said that the fine incurred was and consequently would remove that amount and that amount alone from it. Entirely reasonable.

She also said she would write the letter ffs.

There are some bitter, nasty people on here at times. It's not helpful.

allthingsfluffy · 16/01/2014 06:29

Jeez. There's a difference between not agreeing with an OP and laying into her over every minute detail of everything she posts. Hmm

YANBU. At all. There is no way that your household should suffer at the mercy of someone elses holiday.

Out of curiosity, why is the ex not taking her eldest on holiday too?

Misspixietrix · 16/01/2014 06:34

you don't get to opt out of paying for your DC... Totally! He/You're both BU.

Misspixietrix · 16/01/2014 06:40

highho I believe it to be only Resident Parents too. The Head/LEA have power to grant a Holiday under Exceptional Circumstances. I may be wrong but I take this to mean for example if a Dad was home on leave from the Army maybe. OP I'm sure as long as DP categorically states in writing that he does not give permission prior to her taking them on holiday. Like others have said you can appeal if the worst comes to the worst. Cancelling maintenance payments and a Truancy fine are two distinct things. There is more than one way to skin a cat. (Sorry been around the GM too much this week Grin ).

whatever5 · 16/01/2014 08:06

I can't believe how irrational some people are about this. Surely people would agree that he shouldn't have to pay half of a fine that his ex incurred? Surely people agree that if he was fined he has the right to try and get that money back?

He could do try to get the money back by going to small claims court but if he won she would probably have to pay costs etc which would ultimately cost her more than if maintenance payments were reduced. Do people think that the best solution would be to sue her even though ultimately she would have less money than if maintenance payments were reduced?

BringBackBod · 16/01/2014 08:23

YANBU
Ithink it's unfair that he should be fined. However taking it out of maintenance payments seems to be the wrong way to go about it.
If she is a fair and reasonable person she will reimburse him the money surely.

MomsStiffler · 16/01/2014 08:29

GoshAnneGorilla I'm starting to think there are far bigger issues then a possible fine here.

HaHaHaHa - I wondered how long it would be before this old chestnut was trotted out!! Grin

Stick to your guns OP & don't worry about it.....

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/01/2014 08:36

Not sure if anyone has already said this but the refusal to let the dc be taken out if the country if you have pr? Untrue. Only if its for more than 28 days if my memory serves me, unless something has changed that I don't know about

This is NOT the case.

You can refuse permission and stop her if no residency order exists. She only does not need your consent if she is named as the resident parent on an actual residency order and the holiday is less than 28 days,but without one she needs consent.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/01/2014 08:38

MissPixie,

The couple 4 doors down from me (mum and step dad) have each received a fine, as has the child's actual dad so 3 fines for 1 child.

Binkybix · 16/01/2014 09:05

As long as you're doing everything you can to avoid him getting fined (letter etc) which it seems you are, then I don't think YWBU to recoup a fine in this way. As you say, there is only a certain amount of money to go round 4 children, so if the mum makes the decision to waste some of that money she needs to be able to absorb the total cost.

redshifter · 16/01/2014 09:35

The fines are are for each parent, if the NRP is not fined the RP would would not be fined double.

Ie. The RP would be fined £120 if the NRP is not fined. She would not be fined £240.

Though I believe a resident step parent can be fined as well.

It is not the household that is being fined but each person with some parental responsibility to ensure the child attends school.

redshifter · 16/01/2014 09:45

It would be unfair to fine a single parent with sole responsibility for child (for instance if father has died) the same amount as two parents with joint responsibility.

In this case the RP could be saving hundreds £s by holidaying in term time so may think it is worth the risk of being fined £120 as she will still be saving money.

Perhaps if she was fined double there would be less incentive for her to disrupt her childrens education.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 16/01/2014 10:24

Ahh thanks for that, sock.
I was going on my own experience there, what I read was about causing a child to be known by another name and removing them from the country for a period of not more than 28 days.
Always good to be up to date Smile thanks!