This is one of those things I had never heard of before having a baby, but is it widely thought of as a bit selfish to leave a big gap between children? I have posted on MN about how long to leave it before TTC again because I am still bfing my 20 month old and don't really want to risk having to stop before she's ready. I'm mostly happy with that decision.
However, two friends have small gaps and we all have a DC1 of a similar age.
In the time since having their second child, I have heard accounts from both parties describing the strain that pregnancy and a new baby has placed upon their bodies and relationships, along with worries about their elder DC's behaviour since the new baby's arrival. In all, I have worried about both of them and tried to help in practical ways because they've had a really hard time. This is all relevant, I promise.
Recently we all met up as a group for the first time since the birth of their DC2 and almost immediately received a few remarks about 'getting on with it' (having a second child) and 'poor DD loves babies- she would love a sibling' etc. All fairly light-hearted.
Later on, Dd asked for a bf as she was tired and fed up and friendA said (gently but with an edge) that if I had a new baby, I could stop babying DD and let her grow up a bit. I just laughed and said something along the lines of she IS still a baby in a lot of ways and I would just follow her (DD's) lead, but I did feel quite cross.
Then listened to mutual congratulations about how close their children will be to each other, conversations about how potty-training is going, big beds and naughty steps. I feel as if I am in a parallel universe. My Dd is normal for 20 months and seems about the same in development to my friend's children, but isn't showing signs of readiness for potty training (nor are my friend's children if accounts of accidents all over the house are anything to go by) or similar.
I am so proud of DD and how she is developing at her own pace, but I am tired of hearing how I should be getting her to grow up before IMO she is ready, or that I am somehow holding her back?!
So many people, (and I'm looking at family here as well) have age-inappropriate ideas of what to expect from children. It's not hard to read a book or look at mumsnet to see what's normal for a child's age.
From what I have remembered about child psychology, the bit of the brain that governs empathy isn't developed until about 4 years and this is reflected in the birth spacing of traditional hunter-gatherer societies, so the older child is self sufficient before another baby arrives. The contraceptive effect of regular toddler breastfeeding (plus other factors) accounts for this large spacing.
I am absolutely not claiming that this is a pattern we need to follow in western society, with myriad pressures that influence child-spacing. I don't even think I would necessarily want a 4 year gap. I am just trying to illustrate that a larger age gap is not actually unnatural (for our species) and from miserable personal experience a smaller age gap is not a guarantee of future closeness between siblings.
There is a bit of an air of martyrdom about this too, as though it's a bit shallow to think about your body recovering before having another-just do it, your kids will thank you. I actually felt really rundown after having Dd and still don't feel like my body has properly recovered enough to build another baby from scratch without being depleted further. This is my personal experience and of course many women feel absolutely fine and do really well with close-spacing, whether it's by choice or necessity because of time running out or childcare issues.
But this is how I feel.
So AIBU to think that if I spend months sympathising with the hellish time you're having, only to have you turn around and tell me I should have a go too, I'm not going to be terribly convinced?